does the problem lie with me?

[peason77]

last October my on/off relationship of 3 years ended. I was emotionally abused, and he basically used me like a puppet on a string. He used to walk out on me then reappear between 2wks -2months later. I, like a fool took him back on each occasion but I finally found the strength to say no more. In December i met a nice man who my friends knew and they all said he was a really decent chap and i should atleast allow him to take me out for a meal...i did and we are now in a relationship. He know's of my fragile past and it's quite clear to see i'm still in a vunerable place, but i was getting stronger, until this weekend. I went out with my new partner for a meal with my brother and his wife. I happened to make a flippant comment to my brother and my partner 'oh, what are you boys talking about?.. let me guess cars?' (in the same manner a man may joke that females were talking about shoes or shopping) i never thought anything about it until we got home that night (he'd had 3 pints of bud) when he told me he was annoyed at my comment and i had made him feel small?? which i thought strange, but i guessed he may have been feeling insecure himself so i apologised and said i never intended to cause any bad feeling (he knows i'm a complete softie and wouldn't hurt anyone) but then he said he was going home because he was tired and had work the following morning(i know he hadn't intended on going home prior to the argument). He has been tired several times over since we have met and always wanted to stay with me. So i felt he was punishing me. I pleaded with him to stay. He said no, then ok, then said he was going again. I was upset because i really didn't see what i'd done wrong. He eventually ended up staying,and we talked the following night. He still stuck to the story he was tired( i definately believe that was an excuse). Now, my ex used to threaten to walk on me all the time, sometimes doing so, for no reason and i was left hanging. I can't help but feel my current partner (knowing my history) was a bit cruel to me and almost enjoyed me begging him to stay. Now days later i feel his actions have tarnished my feelings for him and i've put walls up again. I can't shake the feeling that he enjoyed that power over me. I don't want to be hurt again. Do i have the right to say look, please don't threaten to walk out on me again (he says he would have contacted me the following day?)as i'd rather clear the air instead of you throwing a tantrum on me and leaving me, or is it my disturbed past that is making his actions trouble me so. Part of me wants to get out now, not because i want to but because i fear being hurt again. Am i being petty?

[maggiebee]

Peason, you sound like quite an insecure person. Would you consider being on your own for a while without a partner? Maybe you need time to consider just what it is you want rather than rush into another relationship and blurt out all your past problems. Are you comfortable in your own skin? Strength comes with knowing who you are and what you want.

[Brinjal]

You are enabling by getting upset at the threats. Take your life back. If someone threatens to leave the the answer is ok cya and let them go. If they phone the next day tell them you are n it prepared to be treated like a naughty child. You are an adult and not to be threatened or punished with withdrawal of affection or attention. You don't intentionally hurt people and do not expect to be treated like that. You need an adult relationship and not someone who takes the hump over trivial issues. Even if it was a serious issue adults discuss things. Apologize if necessary and move on. Don't let men or anyone for that matter. Have control over you.

[ummmm]

What if they phone the next day and apologise for their silly behaviour?

[smart1]

Without being judgmental, you only have one right. The right to leave this relationship behind you.

[smart1]

Having just read the whole thread, I urge you to move on. My ex- husband controlled me in several ways before I left him. It was years before I realised. Made it harder for me to start again.

[ummmm]

So, do advise every couple who have a little blip to split up? Madness, pure madness.

[tinkerbell23]

He didnt threaten to leave..

He was actinh stroppy..

Hes just as insecure wanting her to say please stay

Send him home- let him stew- next day realise it was the stupidest wee argument and get back on track...

Peason would be alone forever if she had to finish things over little arguments like that! We have GOT to give people a chance!!

Honestly its been 3yrs and i still struggle to give chances x

[NOX]

Couples argue, people are human and fallible, and the nicest person in the world is capable of being a realy jerk at times. Bear all of this in mind. you are not going out with some superior being, he's just a man and he might occasionally be prone to tantrums and nastiness, most people are.
what you need to do, and what you can do, is to get more of a handle on how you respond when people affect you negatively. Pleading with someone to stay gives them power, so don't do it. If this relationship is right it will withstand little tiffs, if it's not then being self reliant but leaving communication lines open will soon show it up as such. don't chuck anything valuable away just because your perfect man is less than perfect, but equally use his future behaviour to analyse how suited as a couple you really are and act accordingly, you are worth the right relationship.

[peason77]

yes peeps i do have low self esteem, i'm trying to build it up at present but little situations like this knock me back. my fault i know. if he does it again i will let him go, i'm pretty sure he'll be thinking 'yup i've got her' he made a passing comment to me just the day after all this happened and he said 'now, do you feel better knowing that i would have contacted you again and you're not dumped?' i think that says it all from his perspective, thats why i have this burning desire to say you know what? having reassessed the situation, i'd have let you walk and i would do so again in the future! i really feel i completely am a wet rag sometimes. I love what hindsight teaches us, i just wish it would come when i most need it!

[Sqad]

\\I was just thinking how many times either me or OH have over reacted over the years. \\\\\

and so say all of us.....;-)

[Velvetee]

I think partly the problem lies with you because it seems you have allowed these men to walk over you and take advantage. This obviously isn't intentional, you say you are a gentle character and you possibly submit too easily. Why should you apologise when you admit you did nothing wrong.

This man obviously realises you are vulnerable and is playing some kind of game to gain control of you. Perhaps he doesn't even realise this is what he is doing, but you are giving him permission to do this when you come across as needy and desperate by begging him not to leave. A game can only be played when there are two players. You should have just let him go.

I would say if you have doubts as to the sincerity of this relationship then end it. I also think you need to learn how to be assertive and perhaps spend time alone so you can concentrate on yourself, become strong and evaluate what you want from a relationship and set boundaries for what you will not tolerate. Hopefully you will become more confident and realise you deserve more.

[joggybear]

Just go for a walk tomorrow,alone, and think if you want to be alone for a while or have heart to heart and sort it out. Try not to live in the past, hard though it is, we only live once. good luck