healing process

[roaddog]

my wife decided to end our marriage 13 months ago and as expected i was devastated. their was no third party but it didnt seem to matter. i have always been a believer in the 'time heals all wounds' thing, but now im not so sure. im still finding it hard to think of anything else and still miss her like she left yesterday. should i be concerned about my mental incapability to let her go? has anyone taken this long to heal a broken heart? i would like to rid myself of being alone with a unique problem.

[LazyGun]

Time is a great healer, its true... but since we are all unique individuals the length of time required will be different according to personality and circumstances surrounding the breakup.

Difficult to know what advice to offer to be honest... all I can tell you is from my own circumstances, what worked for me eventually (after about 12 months) was the fact that I focused a lot on work, made an effort to fill the evenings with something (evening class in languages for me), and was fortunate in having some extremely supportive friends whose good humour and light hearted attitude was immensely helpful. I am forever in their debt. It was strange in a way... for 12 months or so, I was very miserable, very down and disinclined to engage in anything. One morning, out of the blue, I feel normal again, and I can laugh at stuff etc.

In summary, get some outside interests to keep your mind occupied, make liberal use of your friends and family etc, and try and focus on the horizon rather than whats behind you.

[WendyS]

You are effectively suffering a bereavement - the loss of a loved one, even though she is still around, so it's not surprising you are still feeling a great deal of grief. Those of us who have lost loved ones, either through death or separation will all tell you that this period of "mourning" takes a long time, weeks, months and sometimes years, to work through. Don't beat yourself up over the time it is taking. Is there any chance you could meet up with your wife to talk through how you both feel about the split, 12 months on, and what lessons you have learned from it.

If there is genuinely no chance of a reconciliation, I can only reassure you that gradually sunny days will start to appear through the black clouds. You may not notice them at first, but they will slowly appear more often. Meanwhile, try to distract yourself with new interests. New evening classes start in January - perhaps your library has a brochure of classes which might appeal. Don't despair. Just remember how after the dark nights of winter, the days slowly start to become light again, so slowly that often you don't notice each individual day, but at the end of each week there is a noticeable difference. Life is just the same. Things will get better.

[October]

Hiya roaddog
Sorry to hear you're still suffering. The fact that you want to rid yourself of these feelings shows that you are on the mend, cos you want to get it sorted. Take the really good advice given above and you will come out of this a much enriched person, looking to the future and all the fun that holds !!!
All the best mate.

[mullein3]

try to think that these things happen for a reason ..and usually its something better is around the next corner waiting for you..I think its time to stop looking back you cant change the past its gone but you can control future events..try to start doing new things and get involved with something and you will be able to emerge from your present state of mind..you are not alone its just a state of mind..a new year is beckoning and try to make it as productive as possible and live your life daily to the full..we only have one life so we must make the most of it..make next year a good one..

[maggie01]

It probably doesn't help with Chistmas lurking round the corner. Everywhere people seem to be a couple or with families. I don't have an answer but I hope next year brings you some happiness.