Breakups

[aka estie]

Please be honest with me. If I am still thinking of my ex 10 months after a breakup, it's not a good sign, right?

[halfadaily]

I suppose a lot depends on how long you were together and the reason for the breakup. I still think about my ex wife in a fond way although I've not seen her for three years. If you have good memories, hang on to them. The only harm in thinking about your ex is if it becomes all embracing and prevents you from moving on.

Richard

[jno]

halfa's right, it all depends. If you were together only briefly, and you're obsessing over him all the time now, that's not so good. If you were together for quite a while, and you're getting on with your life, sure, why not? The people we're with become part of us; we can't just cut them out and forget them as if they never existed, and really we should only try to do so if the times were seriously bad - which I presume your times together weren't. Main thing is to be able to accept that it's over, however fondly you may remember it, and move on with your life.

[joko]

if its making doing normal everyday things an effort because you keep sighing and getting knots in your tummy and can't eat properly and getting weepy a lot, then yes its probably not good, but just thinking about them and missing them is normal - its about degrees.

[Goodsoulette]

Apparently it takes us 2 yrs to get over a long term relationship. Dont know who decided this tho.

[JuliaSix]

As has been said previously, thinking about an ex partner (alive or dead) is normal and natural - you can't help having memories. But if you feel that you are not able to move forward even slightly, it may be that you need to talk it over with a counsellor. He / she may help to to explore how you feel and come to terms with your lost relationship.

[aka estie]

Thanks to all of you for your posts.

This was definitely a serious relationship - we were engaged. But I do feel like I still have a lot of anger and sadness about it. And I probably think about him 5-10 times a day (in a sad way, not a good one).

I know that these things take time, but whenever I allow myself to think about him for more than a few moments (like now) I get very weepy.

And it's not like I want to get back together with him - he ended our relationship out of nowhere and didn't even give me an explanation. He broke my heart.

And no, I have not moved on, and I constantly find myself hoping that he hasn't either. I know it may be selfish, but I feel like he doesn't deserve to be happy after what he did to me.

Anyway, thanks again for your comments.

Estie x

[Clarabell]

I still miss my ex ten years on! But I have had partners since and lead a very happy life. A breakup is a mini-death - you have to grieve for your loss. I hope you soon realise that only you can truly make yourself happy and that your past won't vanish but to live for the present :0)

[crisgal]

have you had what the americans call "closure"? I had trouble getting an ex out of my system, even after i married and had children. I eventually bumped into him and demanded some answers. I calmly told him how what he'd done had affected my life and he was quite shocked and upset. I was upset myself for a couple of days after, but after that - i felt brilliant and felt he was truly out of my system!

Maybe you could write him a letter, telling him exactly how you feel. You don't need to post it, just put it away and intend to post it later, hopefully it could still help to get things off your chest and feel better.

[karincon]

hello estie, what a question! I think the problem lies with the fact that he finished the relationship without giving you any decent explanation, which means you are thinking that you have done something wrong, and you cannot move on until you know what you did, in case it happens again. I know from experience that self doubt only leads to more self doubt which then leads you on to bad relationships and not being true to yourself. I dont think we ever stop thinking about the ppl who have touched our hearts, one way that i moved on from one ex partner whom i had been with for 5 years was to meet him again and find out that he was a lot worse than i had remembered. Works every time, you will bump into him somewhere, maybe a while down the line, and then you will realise it really wasnt all it could have been. Chin up. Karin

[orangejuice]

how are u supposed to get over a break up?

my g/f broke up with me just before christmas and im a total mess .. i cant function .. i think im getting physically sick .. every second i think of her .. we met up 2wks after and all the magic was still their (she agreed) ... but still she says no .. she wants to be alone .. its a career thing, she wants to achieve something - which i can understand .. but i want to do it all with her ... my own career at the min i cant even focus on, despite it being an important time ...

i really dunno what to do .... is their anything that can help?