A man sprints into a bar. Panting he says, "give me ten shots of your best whiskey." The barman lines up ten shot glasses on the bar and starts pouring. "Quick!" shouts the man. The barman hurriedly...
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a...
Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl’s grip and said comfortingly to Jack. “There,...
I attended a salsa class today. The instructor says to everyone. "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance?" It was then that I realised that there was a misunderstanding. So I took my bag of...
A circus tamer was trying to arrange a trick where he would have fifty bears marching in perfect lines. Unfortunately they always ended up walking in circles, leading him to almost selling his bears....
I saw some people building a new bridge near me.
Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea.
Complete with tablecloth and napkins.
It was very civil engineering....
Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls. "What happened this time?" he asked. "My brakes wont work," Jill...
My partner says I’m addicted to auctions, but he is wrong. I stopped after going once, going twice. A farmer decided to sell all of his chickens to the highest bidder. It was poultry in auction. The...
I was stopped by a motorway policeman.
I said, Officer, are you actually crying while you are writing me a speeding ticket?
The officer replied, “Well it is a moving violation.”...
A mother thinks there’s something strange going on and eventually decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her husband at all. The wife says,...
A father was washing the family car with his son one morning. After a while the son looks up and asks his father, “Do you think you could use a sponge instead?” A man is wanted, he has been...
I went out with my partner to a fancy restaurant last night and after we had eaten he kept insisting on paying for the meal. I said, "Don't be stupid, we are half way down the road now. Just keep...
This wet weather is awful.
People keep coming into my house and throwing their wet umbrellas on the floor.
I have decided it is time I made a stand....
Two teenagers caught breaking into a car scaled a fence to get away – without realising there was a prison on the other side. One police officer said: "People don’t break into prison every day,...
Aliens are coming.
Aliens are landing tomorrow.
Their Mission: To kidnap all old, good looking, sexy people.
Just e-mailing to say goodbye.
I have to go to pack....
