“I’m perpetually exhausted” Joe told his psychiatrist. “Every night I dream I’m driving a truck from Glasgow to Land’s End and in the morning when I wake up I’m dog tired”....
Doctor Sqad went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing," he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying...
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Blackpool care home, are curious about the latest arrival in their building, a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says, "Sophie,...
Things dogs hate about humans. 1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your f@rts on me...not funny...not funny at all. 3. Yelling at me for barking... I'm a dog...
A pastor was in the habit of reading every word of his sermons - which were rather long and tedious. One of the congregation thought to cure him of this, and, before the service, slipped into the...
Mr. Johnson walked anxiously to the house and knocked on the door. When a nice old lady answered, he said very sadly. "I’m sorry madam, but I have some bad news. I’m afraid I have run over your...
These children were asked to tell a sea tale. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6) Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6) If you are surrounded by sea, you...
I’m saving up for a rainy day. So far I’ve got a sou’wester, two raincoats and a canoe. Tom arrives at a hotel in a Scottish village on a cold, grey, drizzly day. The weather remains the same...
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a strange little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!" The golfer,...
A tourist was being led through the jungles of Brazil. "Is it true," he asked, "that a crocodile won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry...
Nurse (admitting a female patient): Are you on any special diets? Patient: Yes, I drink Slim-Fast twice a day, but it's not working. In fact, I've gained several pounds. Nurse: Really? Do you think...
Our courtship was fast and furious. I was fast and she was furious. I went out on this blind date. I was hoping for a vision, but she turned out to be a sight. I was on a date with this really...
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there’s nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. A bachelor asks a computer dating agency to find him the perfect mate. "I want a companion...
Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose. "I don’t like the way he looks." "Neither do I,” she said. "But he’s...