Smiles

[maggiebee]

They’re a funny lot, my family.

Before he died my grandad covered his back with lard, but after that he went downhill very quickly.

My sister had hay fever and then she developed diabetes. I did my best to cheer her up with flowers and chocolates.

My other grandad was in the navy. He was always going on about how people in the old days always left their back doors open . . which is probably why his submarine sank.

My uncle would never throw anything away. He died in the war holding onto a hand grenade.

At the end of the day my dad always went round switching off lights and pulling out plugs. He was very safety conscious . . . mind you that’s how he got the sack from Air Traffic Control.

Then there’s my wife. It’s difficult to say what she does but she sells sea shells on the sea shore.

As for myself, I phoned up the spiritual leader in Tibet. He sent me a large goat with a very long neck. Turned out I’d called Dial-a-Llama.

[netherfield]

Joe,  driving through Barnsley one day sees a sign in a garden ' talking dog £50'.

So he stops and knocks on the door, bloke answers, Joe says " about the dog can I see it", chap says " go through the side gate he's in the back garden".

Joe goes through the gate and finds a dog there chewing a bone, "hello" " hello"  replies the dog. Joe, a bit gob smacked says  "tell me about yourself" dog replies, "well after i got full size I joined the secret service and travelled the world spying, I could find out alsorts of things because nobody took notice of a dog, but it got a bit boring, so I then got signed up to work the airports sniffing for drugs, but that got bad you know them drugs mess with your head, so I left and got into  breeding, sired  dozens of puppies, then  decided  i just  wanted a normal life and ended up here.

Joe goes back round the front and says "that dog is amazing, how come you only want £50 for him" Chap replies" because he's such a liar, he's never even been out of Barnsley".

[maggiebee]

Pinched that one Netherfield, thanks.

[Canary42]

Some good ones from Milton Jones there too 😀

[Patsy33]

One of my favourites, Milton Jones!