My husband wont sleep with me

[wendy33]

Ive been married for a year on Friday, and although I know my husband loves me, hes never been big into sex. Last night I saw his lovely big stash of porn on his xbox. He obviously stays up at night watching his porn while Im waiting in bed for him. Im only 30, I work out in the gym regularly and I always make an effort to look nice. Obviously its not a physical problem if he can sort himself out, so why wont he sleep with me? Does anybody else think its unusual that a man would rather sort himself out than sleep with his wife? We havent had sex for about 2 months and we have no kids. If I try initiate it I either feel like its such an ordeal or it just doesnt happen. Hes gone to work and Ive sent him a text asking am I that repulsive that he would rather watch porn than sleep with his wife and whats wrong with me. I have no problem with the porn as such, its the fact that Im not getting any sex at all. Im really upset about this and dont know where to go next or what to do...

[ummmm]

He sounds lazy. Sex is a bit of an effort.....

[Sqad]

He doesn't love you.
He doesn't fancy you.
The marriage is going nowhere.

[TTG]

Is there anything in particular he likes in the porn that is not done between you and your other half? Sorry I cannot be more specific!

[ummmm]

Any affection outside of the bedroom?

[B00]

Has he replied to the text yet?

Have you (before the text) asked him why you haven't been having sex together?

Before you take sqads advice to heart- please talk to your husband first!

[wendy33]

yeah loads of affection hes really cuddly and compliments me all the time but I feel like a bloody leper. And no there is nothing "special" in the porn that I wont do. He split up with his last girlfriend because she started sleeping rings around herself with anyone. Im starting to understand why...

[Bbbananas]

Dump him, before kids do come along (although, at the moment that seems unlikely).

Stays up watching & reading porn?
Only been married a year?
No wonder you're upset - find someone who does want you & respect you.

[wendy33]

no reply to the text yet Boo- but hes in work. I know I probably should have waited until he came home to talk but Im that angry and hurt I had to tell him somehow

[Sqad]

BOO...I haven't given any advice.......!!!!

[ummmm]

If there's loads of affection then he obviously loves you...

I'll stick with the lazy....

[B00]

Well fingers crossed for you wendy :-)

when you do talk, try to stay reasonably calm, difficult i know, but if you go in all guns blazing, he'll only get defensive.

[andy-hughes]

One of the most frequent threads on AB concerns porn, and differeing attitudes to it, which provides one of the biggest gaps in understanding between the sexes.

OK wendy, first things first - it's not a matter of 'either or' with sex with you, or porn, it doesn't work like that. Men get entirely different pleasures from both, the fact that your husband enjoys porn does not directly indiciate that he prefers it to you.

The simple fact is, masturbation is a purely selfish act, you get to please yourself entirely in terms of stiumus, time taken, etc. and this is a large part of its appeal.

Sex in a loving relationship is entirely different - and this may be the root of the issue.

In a loving relationship, a man should be trying hard to make sure his parter is enjoying the experience, and this takes time, concentration, patience, and giving - something men do not always possess in great quantities!

Your husband may simply feel that he is not 'performing' properly, and rather than address the issue with you, he is simply absenting himself from the situation.

You need to have a talk wtiht him, and take the pressure off.

Start by assuring him that making love is not a contest, and an orgasm for either partner is not the 'gold medal' result you have to work towards. That should reassure him that he is not being 'monitored', and he should be more relaxed.

Encourage cuddling, simply to get some intimacy back, without leading to sex. This should ensure a more open expression of feelings between you, bot physical and verbal, and hopefully this will ease you into making love together again.

You may both benefit from some counseling from Relate who have vast experience in dealing with the issue - which is extremely common - and the two combined should get you both moving in the right direction.

Good luck,m and keep us posted.

[wendy33]

thanks Andy we do cuddle loads and Im that grateful to get it ( when he does actually bother ) that Im always really complimentary and I dont put any pressure on him. I just want a normal relationship. I only have a problem with the porn because thats the ONLY thing thats getting any action. If we had a normal sex life I would quite happily turn a blind eye to it. I just feel like sh"t I really do. I will talk to him tonight, at least my text means he knows its coming.

[ummmm]

Have you tried watching porn with him....

[wendy33]

At the very beginning we were at it all the time, but then it gradually went down to around once a month. We have spoken about it before and he said he just has a low sex drive, and he enjoys it when its happening. But if he has a "low sex drive" then why does he have enough of a drive for porn? Weve only been together 3 and a half years in total

[wendy33]

Ive suggested watching porn and he was cold on the idea. The more I think about it the more I feel like hes just a selfish git

[B00]

It does seem strange how it's suddenly tailed off.

Was it ok before this?

Not got any other stresses going on has he? Work or money or whatever?

[wendy33]

no more stress than normal Boo, the best thing is we are going on holiday on Monday for a fortnight, its actually our honeymoon as we had to save for it. Some bloody honeymoon when I dont want to even look at him Im that angry

[ummmm]

How much sex would be your ideal?