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Relationship Troubles

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Tired_Vines | 15:04 Mon 17th Mar 2014 | Body & Soul
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I met someone about 8 months ago and we quickly formed a close friendship. I have 'known' him for years as he's been good friends with my husband and was often at our house, although I never really spoke to him much.
I was at quite a low point when we first properly got talking, and he really did help me with some major problems I was going through.
Things soon developed and our friendship turned into an affair, as he also had a partner.
I have been unhappy for a while but for financial reasons and my children I have not felt possible to leave my husband. I know that sounds like a poor excuse but it's the only reasons I have.
He is everything my husband isn't. He encourages me to get out of the house, whereas my husband seems to put a stop to everything I want to do (jobs, socialing etc), he got me out of a real depressive point where I was self-harming on a daily basis, whereas my husband just saw what I was doing and did nothing to try and help. He encourages me not to drink (I have a drink problem) whereas my husband will go out and buy me two bottles of wine in the evening so he doesn't have to spend any time with me and can just sit in his room on his computer all night... I could go on and on.
He told me from the beginning that his relationship with his partner was "over" and that he had been thinking of leaving her for almost a year. He also told me that they had no physical relationship of any kind and that they hadn't had sex since April of last year.
I realise what I was doing was still wrong, but this kind of softened the blow and didn't make me feel as bad.
It all came to a head and he left her in January. He told me they'd had an almighty row and that he'd told her it was all over.
I thought this could have been the start of something and that maybe we would have a chance of being together and building a life together that we had often spoke about.
They remained friends on Facebook and she continued to text/call him. I found this a bit odd but he said she just wouldn't let it go and was 'hounding him'.
I then found out from someone else that he'd told them they were having a break and going back to basics and dating!
When I asked him about this he denied ever saying it and said it was definitely all over.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this went on for weeks and weeks. He kept telling me he'd finished things, yet he still had to keep going round there for some reason and communicating with her. He was secretive about a few things and on one occasion when he'd told me he'd been there to pick up some stuff but was now home, he hung up on me when I tried to call and then later said he'd left his phone in the car - despite the fact it didn't ring off, it was ended quite quickly.
I said I was confused and that I thought things had finished, to which he said "it's definitely now done"... and this went on again for a few weeks, with him repeating that it was now over, despite having already said on more than one occasion that it already was.

So, he met up with her again yesterday morning. I have no idea why, and when I've asked he just said that he owed it to her to see her face to face (which, he'd already done more than once).
It all came to a head and he told her he'd been seeing someone else. She asked who it was, he said it didn't matter, and then apparently she guessed and he confirmed this.
It gets worse.
I phoned him yesterday afternoon and he told me about their meet up and what had happened and then he said "I don't really know how to tell you this (and then paused and stumbled his words for a while) but she's basically saying that she got pregnant a few months ago and lost the baby".
I was, obviously, a bit lost for words, and then he said "I can't even remember having sex with her though", and he still stands by his "no sex since April" story.

I have been building up to leave my husband for this man, yet I now have this huge seed of doubt in my mind that makes me wonder..


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I've just got off the phone to him and he basically made me cry for the entire time.
He said he doesn't know what to do, that she won't take no for an answer and that she says he has to go and collect the rest of his stuff.
He told me he wouldn't be going, but I know he will, and then he'll just lie to me until he's forced to tell the truth in a few weeks and we're back to square one - which answers your question of how could I ever trust him.

I will speak to my parents on Sunday, and we'll see where it goes from there.

There's no doubt that I need to get out of my current relationship, but I think you're all right, jumping into the next one isn't the answer.

Thank you for your honest advice. It's been much appreciated.

Hope you get things sorted.
Vines- talk to your parents, it's time you confided in them. There IS life beyond an unhappy marriage - but as others have said, take your time, don't rely on this other bloke. Take time to find yourself and rebuild your self-confidence in yourself, no need to rollercoast into anything with this man. He needs to sort himself out, too, without your being there.

Good luck - I've been there, and it can work out very well.
Oh gosh...Been there,done that.
In my case we did move in together...of only for a few months. But his wife and grownup daughter were a constant presence...I had both letters and texts from both,and-as his wife had nerve and health problems they did not severe contact. And yes...he often went over there.
This caused me to feel more and more insecure,suspicious and distrustful. I never said anything but it became a shadow over us. Eventually he went back to what he knew. I regret that it did not turn out well,but it really gave me the kick up the bum to get out of a relationship that had gone sour years ago. It also was a boost to my confidence. The bad thing is that between him being wishy-washy wand not staying,and my husbands affair...I don't have a lot of trust in relationships any more and prefer to be on my own...which is a good thing because that used to terrify me.
See this experience as part of a learning curve. You are undoubtedly ready to be on your own...time to take the plunge...and good luck.
Sorry to read you have been crying Tired Vines. We are all here for you. Although we are virtual friends there is a lot of sympathy and advice and people who have been or are still in imperfect relationships. Many of us have experience of liars, but most of the time they lie to stop hurting us with the truth. I very much hope that things get better soon.
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Thanks for the further responses. It really is much appreciated. I don't really know what I would have done without AB today... probably made a stupid decision no doubt.
He's basically said to me this afternoon that it's "all over" with her (again). He's changed his number and therefore she cannot contact him, although I feel asthough I'm just waiting in limbo now, for the next bombshell to arrive.
Anyway, I thank you for all your support and help. It's really made me look at things differently.

Signing off now. x

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