Is Being A Top In A Bdsm Relationship Really About Empowerment?

[rowanwitch]

Just thinking about this, a friend used to say she liked being dominant as she was able to work through a lot of bad stuff from her life She wouldn't switch roles because of early abuse but did say she enjoyed the responsibility for her partner. He used to say it was all about freedom, when you are completely disempowered in a safe space it is the nearest thing to total freedom. For me it was just a bit of a laugh between consenting adults. What do others think

[jim360]

Not really "old-fashioned" -- BDSM has been around, in one form or another -- forever. And, of course, there's no obligation to like it or partake in it yourself. Maybe a bit judgmental to assume that BDSM is only something that occurs in fundamentally broken relationships, though.

[Sqad]

AuntLydia......your opinion is valued and not necessarily "old fashioned).
What goes on beyond closed doors may well surprise you.
I think that it is unfair to assume that "abnormal" sexual gratification is a symptom of a flaw in the relationship is too simplistic.
If both are agreeable and both enjoy the "abnormal" gratification, then so be it, but it doesn't necessarily indicate a failing relationship.

[rowanwitch]

I know a lot of people view it with horror but perhaps it also fulfills a childlike need for dressing up and Roleplay, I had a few offers that involved me wearing my costume from a wild west party. (Brothel madam complete with wig) Didnt take them up on it the corset was murder.

[AuntLydia]

I'm sorry if I offended anyone, I didn't mean to be judgemental to any particular individual or practice. To be fair I said 'just my opinion' and to qualify that I have had problems with both violence in my childhood and an abusive marriage years ago so perhaps these events have influenced my opinions. I would never ever wish to dominate or hurt my OH of 28 years and I think he would curl up in embarrassment if I offered to take him for a walk around the living room with a collar and lead. lol! .....no does not float my boat Dominance and submission in our relationship goes no further than who puts the bins out ;-)

[jim360]

I suppose BDSM practitioners ought to be tough enough to be able to cope with judgemental opinions, so I shouldn't worry too much Lydia.

[DTCwordfan]

BDSM doesn't have to be violent, per se, Lydia....it's about domination and submission and that is often the scenarios and reactions built in the minds. Also, if there is an element of punishment involved, it's between two consenting adults and does not involve aggression - and that's a massive difference. Ditto bondage.....some people have safe words or phrases to go into play or out of it, others not.

Try reading Lorelei Elstrom's Owning Regina - about a lesbian bdsm relationship and that really opens up what the lifestyle is all about - and how loving it can be.

[ummmm]

I don't understand it to be honest but....it doesn't just happen in relationships. These services can be paid for so there is obviously a demand for it.

There's lot's of things I don't understand though...but would never judge someone. Each to their own, whatever floats your boat.

[pumpjack]

i do not understand all this BDSM , whips, rubber, gimp masks etc
its not normal to me, a good session and even some imagination even a little vouyerism and imagination / fanatsy is ok but all that kinky stuff aint for me

[Old_Geezer]

Be skeptical of those saying they like to be a top.
It's all spin.

[Old_Geezer]

And I'm seeing Mr. Whippy's ice cream van in a new light.

[DTCwordfan]

It's all in the cones, OG! It's the giving.

[kvalidir]

I'm slightly weird in that outside of the bedroom I am very assertive and confident and definitely not submissive to anyone, however in the bedroom I like a man to be dominant and sexually assertive, but only in contrast to extreme gentleness otherwise it's just a violence fest and in no way sensual, there HAS to be for me a contrast. That being said they have to be assertive in a certain way and I'd die laughing if he pranced around in an outfit being all panto villain, and so I have been accused in the past of 'topping from the bottom' lol because I very much know HOW I want my man to be dominant which doesn't really make me submissive :/ Hmmmm.
But the essence of it for me is that you are released from all responsibility for yourself and place your trust entirely in your partner for your pleasure, wellbeing and safety and when that is rewarded with pleasure, wellbeing and safety that's a very close very unbreakable bond formed which I love. It's not what you do, it's why you do it and how close it brings you together.

[ichkeria]

It thought this was about bossy driving instructors. Didn’t see the D ...

[anneasquith]

Is there no topic on AB that some just can't stop sharing with others ? :-)

[anneasquith]

Not really S. :-)

[kvalidir]

I think it's a relevant as any other tbh Anne, and no-one's discussed the real nitty-gritty. Yet ;-)