Rude and horrible

[Scarlett]

I would really appreciate your views.

I have to work with my sister at College. I have taught there 10 years. she has been there 1. She is "team leader" since she is the only full timer who is not brand new. I have no desire to be a boss since I am a musician and only really teach to pay the mortgage.

She has become VERY arrogant, loud, aggressive and OTT- she seems like she is high most of the time; for the first time in her life (no joke) she has "friends" -ie students. She goes to the pub with them and flirts with them. It is embarassing. She has started to listen to Metal music and wear only black. She is obsessed with one student in particular, and fancies him.

The reason I cannot stand this is because she is SO rude to me in front of our colleagues and the students. I have never had to deal with this before in a place of work. Previously I quite liked my job and felt respected and valued by everyone. Now she is here, I am constantly feeling angry and having to bite my tongue at the way she treats me.

I have just emailed her to (business like) to tell her how I feel. She will say that this is just "the way she is" and that I am being too sensitive. This is not good enough.

I am thinking of going to my boss and making a formal complaint about her. I feel bullied by her and I feel she is using the College for her own private party, basically. She is on a massive ego trip.

Does anyone have any experience of grievance procedures? What would you do?

[WendyS]

I feel for you Scarlett. I can imagine that having a family member invading your "working life & space" in this manner is really unpleasant and embarrassing. It sounds as if she may be younger than you and a little immature. Also, if she's a member of staff, socialising with the students is not necessarily a good idea. Do you have any written "Code of Ethics" for staff to follow in this rather sensitive area? I would imagine that college employees might have some written guidance in place regarding relationships with students. Would it be possible for you to have an informal word with your boss, pointing out how embarrassing it is for you to have to make a complaint because she's a family member, but saying that you feel she's behaving unprofessionally and might bring the College into disrepute?

I realise that with Christmas coming up this might make family gatherings a little uncomfortable. Can you find some excuses to keep out of each others' hair until this has cooled down?

[rampart]

Yes, I have experience with this misery.

In my case, I would quickly distance myself from her behaviour by being a perfect gentleman at all times, even if she bullies me or belittles me in front of others. The more polite and reserved I can be, the more she heaps hot coals on her own head and she will not even know it. I would think it best to not be sugary sweet, but be a perfect lady/gentleman with church manners. Never let your remarks be snide or clever. She will set her own image independent from you quite quickly.

There are some actions you can take. If I had to do something, I would never be blatant or sneaky. There is no need. But I should think you might want to know the avenues you can take. Ask your supervisor good questions. What happens if someone is rude to me in front of others? Are employees allowed to date students? And so on. Gather your information, learn how your system works, and then if things continue, you will know the proper avenues to follow. Be sure you follow proper chanels absolutely to the letter.

Keep in mind, too, that your supervisor will hear and see some of this. You may have to do nothing at all. But absolutely be quite proper and guard your career carefully. Good luck.

[MangoPete]

Dear Scarlett,
I too have experience of the Uni workplace and it seems many lives lie wreched on others almost psychotic need to grapple their way to the top.
Add to this what seems sibling rivalry and you have a very potent situation.
it does seem Sibling rivalry . Your sister has suddenly found what many insecure lectures find, fans. Its cool for the students to find a "grown up " they can relate to even does the things they do. She has found a youth she possibly never had and is revelling in it.It is sad that more than a few lecturers shag their way through their students,as do technicians. Others of us are not so incsecure , nor need the affirmation some crave from their lost youth now embodied in a captive audience hanging on their every word
You may remind her of who she was/is in her other life/reality and she doesn't like it . Wants to distance herself from it.
I can imagine her thinking Why are you waving her former failure in her face?I mean just being there reminds her of her failure and it is a nasty dig in her new reality for you to turn up everday being you!
Siblings often use their brothers/sisters as a surf board.
Your boss may see this as you being envious. You need to document things , keep a diary and try to get a reliable person you trust to witness things.

[MangoPete]

You have to be the mature one. It is difficult as you are a musician you may have higher life ethics and living by different codes than she
She really seems to be on a buzz and sees no reason to come down. The whole in lust with a studen tand reliving a youth she never had is text book. For her sake you need to talk to somone about this but be gentle
say how she has changed how she will damage herself and the college by her actions. It is an explosive situation that can only end badly for her in the end. hat if she becomes obsessed with this guy and he makes a complaint what if she became pregnant. extreme but she is embarrasing you the college and herself.
The same thing happens when married people divorce they can go crazy for a while.
Good luck
Please search for wisdom in the situation. it will be difficult because she is hurting you. She will not thank you for ruining her fun but it seems she is not aware of the consequences of her actions
The worse case scenario would be to look for a move. You are worth more than being stuck with this pressure in this job.
Take care

[jno]

hmmm... looked at from outside, none of this sounds too bad. Wearing black? Metal music? Being loud?

I think if you want to lay any sort of complaint (against anyone at all) you need much more specific grounds. You're entitled to be treated politely and professionally, so that may be grounds for complaint. Fears that she may fancy a student probably aren't (you could maybe mention them informally to a supervisor but after that it would be up to him to keep an eye on her). Be very clear and specific with yourself about what you want to achieve, though.

[funnywebsite]

People enjoy putting others down in front of others, it gives them some sort of power. I don't think going to the college to complain about your sister will help. As she is younger she is trying to get one up on you and is enjoying making you look small. You need to

a) either try the same method back and see if she likes it or

b) tell her it really ****** you off and it has to stop.

Hopefully she will get the message if not, keeping trying a and she will find it really annoying, giving her a taste of her own medicine.

[Scarlett]

Thankyou for your replies- all very helpful and helped me get it into perspective a bit.

Believe it or not, she is actually older than me, but I agree, she is the one with rivalry issues.

Rampart- I HAVE been absolutely professional up to this point, which she clearly does not notice or appreciate. I am the one that goes home with my blood boiling and a calm exterior which is not good for your health.

Mangopete- you have absolutely hit the nail on the head. How astute you are.Part of me does not want to tip the management off about her unprofessional behaviour- but just to let her make her own mistakes in her own time.

Pickly- you are right, of course, I would not accept this from anyone else. Many years ago I did formally complain about the behaviour of a lecturermwho was basically being a bully. Nothing got done but at least I made my point. That was easy though, as that particular woman was FOUL and everyone hated her. My sister comes across as vivacious and dynamic to the not so intuitive. She has also only been there a year. People will soon realise... The truth will out.

Thumb still has a plaster holding it together, Pickle!!

funnywebsite- good advice, thankyou. I WILL try it back. and I have already emailed her- very businesslike, to explain exactly what she is doing, and how it makes me feel. No reply, but she has gone off on holiday for 2 weeks now, so she will have some time to think about what I have said anyway!!