Friendship

[mistys]

I have this friend, I've known her less than a year. She is 34 and I'm 19. We get on well and have fun, but she is a lot of hard work to be around.
She has been through a lot of bad time's in her life and they have had a bad effect on her. She has lots of issues that I havn't experienced so it can be tough for me to give her advice.
I thought she was changing as over christmas she was ill and didn't go out or drink for about a month. When I saw her after she looked fresh and was talking sense, like she had finally seen the light and realised she needed to change.
But now she has started to slip back into her old ways. I warned her not to and she seemed to have listened but last weekend she went on a three day bender and caused herself a lot of hassle.
I don't know what to do, it's like she is determined to put herself in bad situation's. She will get really drunk and then go to places her ex-boyfriend will be, he treated her badly but she wont let go. She know's going to see him will make her feel worse but she does it anyway.
I've run out of ways to try and help her, I don't know what to do anymore. When she behaves badly people seem to think it's my fault and I should have looked after her better. But there is nothing I can do for her.
I have urged her to go to her doctor and ask to talk to someone, and she says she has but I can't tell if she really has tried hard or not.
She is on anti-depressants but they only make her worse so she stopped taking them this week. I am hoping she will be ok without them, but she wasn't much better on them anyway.

I know this isn't really a question but I'm looking more for advice about what to do. I've been told to try not and get too involved emotionally, but she's my friend and I care about her a lot. She doesn't have much of a family and I know she relys on me for a lot of support. It can be too much sometimes, but I can't leave her with no one.

[josie48]

For starters mistys, Dont let your friend stop taking her a/deps. Get her to see her gp if you can, who might refer her for counselling. Nobody should stop their anti deps abruptly. Maybe a talk to the Samaritans as well? She's luck to have you as a friend..

[mistys]

She hasn't been taking them for a few days, will it be OK for her to go straight back into taking them??
I have looked into the samaritans and been looking for therapist's in the area.
I only have what she tell's me to go on, but she says she has asked her doctor lots of times for help but he just gives her different tablets.

[evedawn]

hard as it may be...some "friends" are really just emotional vampires..they suck you dry. You sound like a kind and caring person, (and at 19 alot more mature than her at 34!)

I'd try a little "test" .... tell her you really need to unburden yourself of some"problem / dilemma / sadness " you have....if she stills eems pre-occupied with herself during this time...ditch her!

[josie48]

Yes she should go back on them now misty. If she's not happy with that gp maybe she should see another one in the practice. Could you go with her to make sure she's being honest? she's older than you,make sure she does'nt put too much on you ok? x

[mistys]

She is immature for her age, which she knows.
A few weekends ago I did tell her I'd had enough and I didn't want to see her for a while because she was becoming too much hard work and I had my own problems to deal with. She was sympathetic with me and said she understood and was sorry she put so much pressure on me but it was becasue she has no one else and I'm such a good friend. In the end I felt worse because I knew she needed me and I was just gonna leave her with no one.

I am trying to back away from her a bit and trying to make her sort her own problems out, but it's hard when I know she can't do it on her own.

[mistys]

She has just text me and said she is suffereing from not taking her anti-depresants, but is feeling less miserable. I'm going to suggest to her to start taking them again, I have offered to go with her to see her dr, but she doesn't want me to.

[josie48]

She's no doubt having withdrawal effects due to stopping her anti deps. Im glad she's starting them again. Im confused as to why she does'nt want you to go to the docs with her. For someone who's leaning on you so much thats strange. I cant see what else you can do misty.

[mistys]

Yeah thats what I've started to think josie, I've done all I can. Think this is why it's upsetting me so much because deep down I know she is a lost cause and will not change anytime soon. From what I know she has been this way for about 4 years now.

[figure]

What a great friend you are! The person you call your friend is very lucky to have you as her friend and she doesn't know it.

[mistys]

I've just spoken with her and she say's she knows it was stupid to stop taking her anti-depressants, but she really wasn't feeling good on them. She said she will give it a few more days and if she goes on a major downer then she has an emergancy doctor's number to call. I tried convincing her to start them again now, but she doesn't want to.
On a better note she has said if she needs me then I can go to the doctor's with her.
Thanks all for your advice and help, made me feel a little better about the situation xxxx

[taliesin238]

Im going through something very similar myself with a friend. Her only son died a few months back, he was only 19 and she has no other family. She has totally gone off the rails and is really making all who do care for her go through it because she has turned against everyone and just seems to be self distructing. We have tried everything but now all we can do is just let time and nature take its course. We have said and done all we can. There is literally so much one person can do for another and we just have to wait until that person goes through what they have to go through. All we can do is be there for them throughout there decissions. Hope that makes sense x

[mistys]

Sorry to hear that talesin, sounds like you must be needed some support right now too.
I don't know how long she wil need tho, I've know her about 9 months and she has always been like this. I guess I really will just have to wait and be there for her until she does see sense. It's hard work.

[mandimoo2]

from the way you describe this friendship, 2 words earlier sum it up... 'emotional vampire'... a true friendship should be a two way street, not one person giving and the other taking. ask yourself what do you get out of this friendship? maybe theres more to it than you state but if theres not, you need to take a step back for your own sanity.

[mistys]

mandimoo I know I'd be better off without her but she would be pretty lost without me.
I just wanna see her sort herself out, I can't walk away when she is so messed up. But I know I have to not let it effect me so much, it's draining me!!
I didn't wanna go into details on here but she has been through a lot of bad things.

[captains log]

Hi mistys I am not one for posting on here on a serious mode but I feel that I have to make an exception for you.

I know it is probably a hard thing for you to do as you seem such a caring person but please unburden yourself with the responsibilty of this.
You are to young to deal with this and your friend is not a friend she/he is a user and relies on your venerability but she/he does not see it like this.
Please you are to young to deal with this and if you try to I can assure you it will scar you for the rest of your life if you try to.

Please just try and get your friend help from somewhere else .

Wish you all the best.

[mistys]

Thank you captains log, that was really sweet. I don't know what to do, I know she put's too much pressure on me and I try not to let her. But what can I do? If I don't try and help her and something happen's then the guilt would be too much. I am going to try and find her someone else to talk to. I can't give up on her yet.

[froggequene]

I second captains log's advice - you don't have the wisdom or the experience needed to deal with this woman.

She is 34 years old, she got this far on her own, chances are there's a trail of 'mistys' behind her.

You cannot help her, she must help herself - she knows what she needs to do & she's doing the opposite. Nothing you do, nothing you say will have an impact, I repeat, she must help herself.

I know I sound unsympathetic but I've stood in your shoes, I've been minder & carer (it would be ridiculous to use the word friend because that's what I was, minder & carer) to someone who was very ill, it is extremely difficult to disengage yourself, in the long term it can emotionally crippling but you have to step away.

[tufty7]

You sound a great friend to have around, but you are in danger of making yourself ill with her burdens, she ought to be taking her medication, seeing the doctor who could perhaps arrange a mental health team visit and appraisal for her and sort out some tabs that work for her if hers are not working , perhaps you could put her in touch with a vicar/minister who could councel her as it sounds to me she is attention seeking a little and may need a wider audience to cry to, You need to have a life too and one that is not taken over by someone giving you a guilt trip, sorry to be so blunt , but I am a man seing it from a mans perspective..... best of luck ...