Hi mamya. You ok for a chat?

[Jan1957]

I've found since I told my friends about hubby that they have "backed off" when I really need them. Hence my stupid postings early hours of the morning after a few drinks. I know it's because they don't know what to say or how to react but I am finding it really difficult.

[Mamyalynne]

Night Jan, try to sleep you need your strength my love

M ♥

[kia cat]

Night Jan, take care ♥

[Jan1957]

I agree with you ttfn. It's funny though that his friends that he has met since he has been diagnosed have all spoken to him but none of mine have contacted me. Perhaps they think I am too much of a drama queen! Seriously though, his mates have been very good which of course I am happy about.

I am really off to bed now, so night all. xxxx

[tamborine]

Jan1957....am sorry to hear your pain. Today would have been our anniversary & I would have got a squidgy, soppy card if my OH was here. It's 3y since and I've found 'our' friends thin on the ground.

You've got precious time with your hubby still; make the most of it and dont look to the end; a bus might get you first ;)

[Androcles]

"Hi, How are you, " you say cheerfully, "I am really fine at the moment". Then there is that awful feeling as you say to yourself "That was a bit tactless - OMG what do I say to him/her?" You make your embarrassed apologies and run for the hills.

Or if you have thought a bit, you can say something equally earth open up and swallow me like "I've heard you are undergoing chemo - I'm sure that will turn out fine" or "I hope you'll be well again soon"

I expect this is what happens to a lot of us when faced with this, because we have never thought about what should we say. Perhaps we get too sensitive, when actually the sufferer would only be too pleased that somebody is concerned and talk to them, not running away because they don't know what to say.

I try and think of questions to ask like "I've heard your news - is it OK to talk about it?" or "How is your treatment going?" or "Is there any support that we can give to help you?" but I still admit, I find it difficult as some people do not want to talk about it or even, sometimes, let other people know.

Just a few thoughts but I expect a lot of us would like some thoughts from those trying to deal with this for friends, family or themselves as to what would make it easier for them to hear, so we don't make such a mess of it as we can sometimes do!

[kia cat]

Thanks Androcles, that's what I was trying to say. You did it so much better.

[joannie10]

I am sorry to hear about your husband. As you say people may be finding it difficult to know what to say or some worried about trying to act 'normal' - for example when my aunt was diagnosed I was not in the habit of phoning her (nor her me) that initially worried that it was wrong to start phoning just because she was ill - if you understand where I am coming from. Perhaps you could say to your friends 'look I know you may feel unsure what to say at the moment but I really need you for chats that please keep in contact'? Or just be the one to be contacting them when you need them - perhaps it should not need to be that way but may just sort out things for you, good luck and stay positive xx

[Mamyalynne]

Jan I also think we are children of a generation who dare not speak the word Cancer. Gradually the taboo is being lifted but there is still a residual reluctance to say it. The poster who said you start the dialogue may well have hit the nail on the head, once your friends know you want to talk about it they may free up a bit. Sorry again for wallowing last might but it was late or was it very early LOL.

Sending you both hugs and hope.

M ♥

[karenmac60]

I had a friend who developed a brain tumour at the age of 21. She had treatment but it came back 2 years later then again the following year at which point she declined all further treatment and died within a few months. But I'll always remember the one thing she used to say over and over again - 'people don't know how to speak to me anymore, I'm not cancer I'm still me and I just want people to behave the same way they normally would!'. I've always tried to stick with that now if I know anyone else is ill - I don't let them be defined by their illness and if they want to talk about it then I am happy to listen.

[Jan1957]

Thanks to all those who replied. I agree with you all that It's just people don't know what to say. I've done the same myself in the past. I'm going to have a chat with all my friends and tell them that I understand that, but it would be nice if they just checked in with me now and then so I don't feel so alone. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

[Mamyalynne]

Hi Jan, yes if you make it clear you are happy to talk am sure it will help. Also good luck with tomorrow, they are long days so take something to occupy yourselves and ask ask ask, all knowledge is power and they are only too happy to tell you what is happening. Thinking of you both.

M ♥

[Jan1957]

Thanks mamya. Am taking a book and both our mp3 players are on charge. Also taking sandwiches because I know what the hospital food is like. Going to have a chat with the Macmillan nurse tomorrow and I have got their booklet so have a few questions already to ask. He's off work now till next Wednesday so at least he will get some rest. Talk to you soon. xx

[Jan1957]

Thank you Tony.

[alexanderd]

read previoys posts with interest Jan, your friends are always here if you need us Goodnight and sleep well