Hi mamya. You ok for a chat?

[Jan1957]

I've found since I told my friends about hubby that they have "backed off" when I really need them. Hence my stupid postings early hours of the morning after a few drinks. I know it's because they don't know what to say or how to react but I am finding it really difficult.

[Mamyalynne]

Am here babes , chat away

[Mamyalynne]

I didn`t have a lot of friends to talk to, and our daughters were scared stiff, so I do know how difficult it can be.

[Jan1957]

Thank you but don't know where to start. Went on the Macmillan forum but found it very depressing. Everyone on there seems to be thinking the worse whereas I can't do that. I just won't admit that he might not be here any more. It's not something I can accept!

[ttfn]

Hi Jan and mamya - excuse me for joining you. I do know what you mean Jan. My mother had cancer and I took her shopping one day and we bumped into old 'friends'. They didn't even look at my mother and wouldn't acknowledge her. When they moved away my mother asked me, with the bewilderment of a child., 'why wouldn't they talk to me'. I don't think I have ever felt so helpless.

[Jan1957]

No excuses needed ttfn. I just need someone to talk to and there's never anyone around when I do.

[Mamyalynne]

Well of course we cannot directly compare stories, my husband had bowel cancer and all seemed well after removal (colostomy) subsequent chemo and all seemed well. I must admit we had a honeymoon period during that time. Then sadly he developed othe symptoms and to cut a long story short he was diagnosed with inoperable brain tumours, from that moment we knew what the outcome was. He was incredibly brave and I went into overdrive and am afraid I became his nurse, though until two days before the end we were very close, then he began to decline and became angry (very common) I

[ttfn]

Did I read this week that your hubby was back at work Jan - how are his colleagues reacting to him?

[Mamyalynne]

OMG I just realised what I`ve done, its Bill`s birthday next week and am thinking of him lots.

Jan what I am trying to say is that whatever is thrown at you, you wil cope. The point of thinking could you survie without him is a different question., afetr the funera and all had gone I thought yes me now, but of course I couldn`t do it to our daughters and grandchildren,

[Jan1957]

I am like that a lot at the moment. I'm so angry, but even at him! He was surprised tonight when I said I am going to his first chemotherapy treatment on friday because it takes 6 to 7 hours but I want to know exactly what is happening and to talk to the Macmillan nurse.

[ttfn]

Take a good book with you Jan it is slightly less interesting than watching the proverbial paint dry!

[Jan1957]

ttfn, he was diagnosed a month ago and has kept working but after his chemo starts this will probably change. His employers haven't been exactly sympathetic and actually said last week he is depressing the customers!

[Mamyalynne]

Jan please let me apologise, I have been no use to you at all tonight, you will cope my love, for we have to. Sending lots of positive feelings.
M♥

[Jan1957]

I think that's the thing mamya, I have no family who live near me and no one to talk to most of the time. Because I have mobility problems I only go out once a fortnight so I am stuck indoors with just my thoughts.

[ttfn]

They sound like right charmers Jan. One thing about the hospital visits - I always found the staff terrific as they all understood what we were going through - if only they could have spoken to some of our friends and put them straight. It is difficult to cope with negative attitudes when your own emotions are running high.

[kia cat]

Hi Jan - I think a load of us know what you mean. When you're not the one directly involved - whether as someone who's been diagnosed or their partner - it can be difficult to know what to say. So I guess a lot of people either shy away or say nothing. I feel the best thing is often just to listen, but I guess some folk feel they haven't the time or inclination to do that. You do have good friends on here, if we can help, we will. Take care. Take each day as it comes, enjoy the good ones and don't let the bad days bring you both down too much.

[Jan1957]

Mamya, you never have to apologise to me my love. Just chatting to you helps though. xx

[Mamyalynne]

We got chemo viists down to a fine art after we discovered his meds lasts 24 hours so we went and ordered it and then rather than wait 6 hours we went back the next day and had it all ready but depends on distance travelled and the treatment type

[Jan1957]

Thanks you too ttfn and kiacat. I am definitely now going to try and sleep cos hubby is worrying about me not sleeping, which he really shouldn't be doing. Night night and thank you for your replies. xx

[ttfn]

After the diagnosis I told my family we had to cultivate a positive attitude (doesn't that make me sound really pompous!) It worked for us though and the family were really supportive. It was the 'friends' who didn't know how to approach the subject who were hard work. I have always advocated that people should say something to the diagnosed person, even if the words come out all wrong. I just think it is so important to break down the barrier.

[ttfn]

Good night Jan, ttfn