Recently widowed

[coccinelle]

Having been recently widowed I would like any of you lovely ABers to give me some tips and advice to get through the next few months. My husband was young (53) and we had no children. I'm not looking for sympathy but would like to hear other people's experience.

[Greedyfly]

Just take each day as it comes and try to remember the good times. Although never widowed I have lost people very close to me and it takes a lot of time to heal. All very cliched I know but often true. I am sorry to hear of your loss Coccinelle.

[jack daniels]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. A relative of mine died recently and she too was young. At the moment friends are rallying around the husband and the company is really wanted. People cope in different ways - some want people around, some prefer to be alone. Do what you feel best and i'm sure you'll get some more replies here too. You're not alone. Do look after yourself - eat even if you don't feel like it. Have the TV or radio on if it feels quiet. Others will not be too sure how to approach you, not knowing if you want to be alone etc....... Take care

Anna x

[lumination]

i was given a very good piece of advice:
'You don't get over it, you just get through it. You don't get by it, because you can't get around it. It doesn't 'get better'; it just gets different. Everyday... Grief puts on a new face.... -Wendy Feireisen

the things dont get better they get different part makes so much sense and when you think about it like that, it does help. x

[lumination]

oh yes and going to bed is too quiet. i had the telle on low or the radio. makes your mind go to the things your hearing and not anything else. that helped me sleep at night. x

[lucca]

Like Greedyfly, I haven't been widowed but I have also lost very very close people. I agree with the "day at a time" approach - allow yourself to have a better day if it happens, without feeling guilty about it. If you manage to laugh, imagine your man laughing too. Equally, allow the bad days. People are pretty bad and talk about "moving on" (dreadful expression) very quickly, but grieving can take yonks, and if you don't grieve properly, it can be much worse later. Find nice things to doand spent time with friends/family who support you, however you feel that day. Very sorry about your loss, coccinelle.

[lucca]

I mean "to do and spend" - sorry, hit wrong keys.

[coccinelle]

Yes, the 'take each day as it comes' is very good advice as that's what I'm doing. And those words from Wendy Feireisen will help me through it as nothing will be the same again.
There are no doubts things lurking in the corners which I'd like to be aware of instead of them pouncing out and taking me unawares so as I say any tips will be most welcome.
I'd like to thank you all for your concern and sympathy but sympathy makes me fill up...

[237SJ]

I`m sorry to hear of your loss. My sister was in a very similar situation to you 2 years ago. She was 47 and her husband was 57 when he died. No kids. He was a keen golfer and she promised him on his death bed she`d give golf a go. She has joined a club and it gets her up and out. They were going to retire early together and move away so she has had her future taken away as well in a way. She is lucky enough to have money (I think he must have had a good pension) although of course she`d rather have him than all the money in the world. She goes on a lot of Ramblers holidays and that has helped her. She couldn`t talk about him at all for about a year. I sometimes think it would have helped if she had but different people have different ways of dealing with things. It`s early days for you but I have seen her gradually improve and get a life of her own and you will too. The usual advice of talking and keeping busy is good but I would say try to take up a new hobby when you can. It helped my sister. Good luck

[sammmo]

I think everyone has different ways of dealing with bereavement.. some people seem to just take it in there stride and others become inconsoluble.. My wife lost her mother and father this year and for the last 2 months has'nt been able to face going to work..she's been on happy pills and been signed off.. i've tried my best to help her over it but as she says she will get over it in her own time.. she used to go to bingo every week but has'nt been once in the last 2 months but tonight she's going out to try her luck..I used to moan about her going out and wasting her money on bingo but today is a day to celebrate because she's obviously turned a corner.. and she did it all on her own.. im sure you will too coccinelle.. it may take a few weeks or months even but the time will come when you can get back to it.. hope it comes quickly

[coccinelle]

Taking up a new hobby is a good idea but I'm not there yet but will consider it. We started learning italian together through books and CDs which maybe I should continue with ; only thing that was an OUR project; go and visit many italian towns and cities...

[Mamyalynne]

I cannot improve on the advice given, I am two years into widowhood and you are right in the remark, nothing is the same. Things do change as you progress but then you seem to slip back, try to do things you enjoy or eventually if you feel able try to help others in any small way you can.

Equally if ever lonely come on AB for a chay and a diversion, it has been my salvation on many a lonely night.

Take care my love.

Mamya ♥

[coccinelle]

Thank you mamya. yes, I knew you'd lost your husband too at the time but I didn't really know the impact until you go through it yourself... In the past 10 years I have lost my parents and now my husband all down to cancers and on top of this I have my best friend who also has the same cancer as my husband (colon with metasteses on the liver) so living it through again. You wonder how much you can take, but you have to be strong don't you? and don't let this horrible illness take your life over.
Knowing you're coming through this will help me in the next few months...

[Mamyalynne]

Yes, mine was a very similar experience and do not kid yourself you have to be strong, though I admire you for trying with your friend. You must allow the tears to fall or you just implode and believe me, you will smile again though at first you feel you never will.

[coccinelle]

The thing is mamya, she's relying on me at the moment to help her through it even though I wonder if I've really got the strength... but she does need someone as you can imagine.
Thanks mammmo, I don't really feel like going out and socializing at the moment and putting up a front; far too early. I have been invited out to neighbours' houses for dinner but the fact of sitting there on my own really daunts me! However, I do accept a cup of tea and a one to one talk.

[boxtops]

make space for yourself coccinelle, in helping your friend ♥

[coccinelle]

what do you mean boxtops? she's scared and we've always been close and I just can't drop her like that - however, she can't really feel what I'm going through neither... but as I say, I have to stay strong but there might be a time when I'll need some support...

[society]

Sorry to hear of your for your loss. You never get over the heart ache of losing someone you'ved loved. Take each day as it comes. Time can be a great healer. x

[ethandron]

dear coccinelle, i'm so very sorry to read your post here this evening.
i have no words of wisdom for you, just want to say chin up old girl, and hang in there.
eth x

[boxtops]

Sorry coccinelle, perhaps that didn't come over as I meant it to. I meant that - well, I know when my sister's husband died, she needed support herself, and it was hard for her to be herself and do her own mourning while she too was trying to support a very unwell friend herself, much like you are. I didn't mean it to sound insensitive, and apologise if it did, it certainly wasn't meant. Sorry ;-(

[Jemisa]

Hello coccinelle, - My Condolances to you.

I bet you've got some beautiful happy memories though,
Happy memories are essential for health so try to store
a mass of your memories for the future.
You must think of you now. You know its what he would have wanted.

jem