I just want to talk

[ftj001]

Its been awhile since I've logged on. I'am a victim of a husband that cheated . This situation has made me so sad. Its almost been 2 years and I'm still drowning in sorrow and tears. I tried therapy but it didn"t help. I've talked to all my friends to death about the situation and I know their tired of hearing it because I'm tried of telling them. No one can help me but me and I just have to figure out a way out of this rut that I'm in.

[bednobs]

i dont think you will get ovr it all the while you consider yourself a victim. it makes you act like a victim and never move on.
you say you've had therapy: what kind? i think CBT might help you turn those victim feelings around

[ftj001]

I feel like a victim because the feelings of overwhelming grief keep me trapped. I can say over and over that I'm going to get better but thats just talk. Its also just talk when people say it. I guess its easy to say when it didn"t happen to you. I don't think I'm dealing with it like the average person would and I believe its only becaus eof other things that I dealt with as I was growing up. Some days r good and some days i deal with horrible and unbearable pain.

[ftj001]

I live in the US. I was in therapy at Thomas Jefferson University. My therapist would always say "What do you need to do for u"? Well, if I knew I wouldn't have been in her office I probably need some sort of cognitive therapy and that makes me very angry that someone was able to destroy my spirit

[ftj001]

The word Victim- A person who is deceived or cheated by the dishonesty of others. One who is harmed or killed. A person who is tricked or taken advantage of.

This discribes my situation: My husband decieved me, He cheated me out of what was promised in front of God, He cheated me out of happiness, He harmed me, He didn't kill me physically but he killed my soul, He tricked me into believing that he loved me in a way were cheating was impossible for him to do to me and he took full advantage of how much I loved him.

[bednobs]

what sort of spirit did you have before though? you say you had a lot to deal with growing up, so perhaps your victim mentality has been with you far longer than 2 years.
If the first therapy didnt work, try another kind

[ftj001]

I was a happy person. I was rarely depressed. I was fun. I always smiled and now I'm always crying. Your probably right. But I didn"t need he him to add to anything. My mom physically abused me.

[bednobs]

sorry but you have "victim" written all over your posts and will never move on unless you change that. Have you tried anti depressants?

[20SilkCut]

Some solution focused therapy sounds like it would help or perhaps you could look for someone who does Dynamic Psychotherapy as you have other issues coming up from your past that you may not have dealt with. Choose your therapist carefully....word of mouth if possible. Good luck ftj001. It will get better in time.

[ftj001]

Yes and after awhile they stopped working. Have you ever gone through anything that devastated u? If not I can c why you only c victim across my post. Like I said before its easy to say I'm gonna get better but if your emotions take over everything else I can say it will get better til the cows come home. As long as my emotions overwhelm everything I won't get better. If this was a person that I was married to or in a relationship with for a couple of years maybe it would be as easy as you say it is.

[ftj001]

Thank you 20Silkcut. I appreciate ur empathy.

[bednobs]

i have at no point said it will be easy! Clearly it wont be easy, as you have a lifetime of "woe" to deal with. sometimes it's easier to wallow in it, because in a way it can be comforting. Just because one therapist didnt work, dosent mean another wont. Just because 1 type of anti depressant stopped working, dosent man there arent loads of others to try - ones that work in a different way, perhaps?

[ftj001]

Thanks

[Alex.Mahone]

The worse thing you can do is have conversations with yourself about it over and over because you can never get closure doing that, you try so hard to convince yourself to move on but you cant, what you concentrate on is putting one foot in front of the other and take things not day by day but minute by minute.

[ftj001]

Thank you Alex.Mahone. You sound like a reasonable individual.

[Alex.Mahone]

I try, i assume you still have feelings for your ex?

[ftj001]

Yes i do. Its hard to shut off feelings that have taken 15 years to develop and the fact that I was still in love with him at the time didn't make things easy.

[Alex.Mahone]

Do you find yourself wondering where he is, what he is doing, who he is with etc?

[ftj001]

Sometimes but not like i used to. I've tried to get myself out of that cause that just made me crazy. I just say to myself "He already cheated" What ever he does from here on out doesn't even matter.

[Alex.Mahone]

Its ok to still have a part of you that still loves him, i believe that when you love someone part of you will always love them regardless of how it turns out, you need to accept this but accept that chapter in your life is now closed, as i say reguratating it with your friends only keeps it fresh in your mind, you need to let go and make a new start step by little step.

[ftj001]

I'll try that! I always thought talking it out would help me, but I'm still upset about it like it happened yesterday. A lot of people have told me that I'm being weak, but I don't think I'am. I have human emotions and for people to just say get over it and get passed it without a plan is amazing to me. My come back to that is I'm not a robot. Robots don't have feelings. Sometimes I wish I had that mentality (not letting my emotions take over)