family problem....

[k8bailey]

Hello lovely ABers! I need some opinions and advice please.

I don't have a very close relationship with my father, but we do speak and email once a month-ish. He lives 5 hours away with his new wife.

Anyway, as some of you know, I had a baby girl 10 months ago and he hasn't been to see her. Instead he is insisting we go and see him. My partner has only met him a few times (5 max!) in the 7years we've been together, so he's not keen on going, but will, if it's what I want.
Also my LO is a bit 'sickly'. So shoud I really be taking her on a 5+ hour car journey? We're thinking of going on Good Friday and coming home on Sunday.

My family think that my father should be the one making the effort, as it would almost certainly be easier for him to come here.

Am I right to be a bit offended that he hasn't come to see his 1st grandchild?
Should I go and see him?
If we go, does anyone have any tips for such a long car journey, with a little baby?

TIA k8.x

[ashtinzoe]

car rides with little ones are pure hell, unless you have one that likes sitting in the car for long periods. your five hour trip is going to turn into a 7-8 hour trip or longer. Make sure you pack plenty of snacks drinks and toys to keep her occupied. For the other part of your question, I truly believe he should be thone to come see you. Yes you are in the right to be offended. Especially if thats the way you feel.

[Sasha-2008]

Thats a hard one. As you say you don't have the best relatioship with your father so your both thinking the same as each other "they should make the effort not me".

Yes in all honesty it would be a lot easier for him to visit you as travelling with a little one can be difficult at the best of times.

Your father is obviously chosing the easier option in letting you go and visit him instead of him making the effort to come and see you.

At the end of the day you have to put all that aside and think is he really going to come down and see you if you don't go and see him??

If you want to see him and want him to know his grandchild then I would put all your differences aside and go. I know you feel that why should you have to but if you don't then you probably won't see each other.

My mum had a bad relatioship with her father and he only lived down the road. Thet had not see each other for over 5 years because they were both too stubbon to end the bad vibes. Then he died last week and she saw him for the first time in over 5 years after he had died. Now she regrets not maiking it up with him now it's too late. But to be honest he was so horrible to her he would never had made her feel welcome in his home and she knows that deep down but it does not stop her feeling guilty.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is too short. You never know what is going to happen and you don't wanna live with any regrets.

Sorry to blaber on.

good luck

[rinkins]

My friend always used to travel during the night with her twins so at least they slept for a lot of the journey and didn't need to be entertained so much. Is that an option?

[k8bailey]

Sasha - I'm sorry for your loss, I hope your mum comes to terms with it all and realises that it wasn't all her fault, he could've made the effort too. But you are right life is short.

Rinkins - We were planning on getting up v.early in the hope that she will sleep at least part of the way there.

We'll need lots of stops though as she's not supposed to sit in her car seat fo more than 2 hours at a time.

Sasha is completely right about each of us thinking the other should make the effort. In my fathers eyes, it's always him who visits us (my brother ad me).
The last time was about 18months ago, my brother spent about 30 mins with him then said he was really busy and would have to go. My father came down mid week, knowing that I worked full time, and then got offended that niether of us had time to spend with him so he's satyed away to prove a point.

This is made harder because my daughter has been in and out of hospital so many times in her short life. Me and my partner both work and have very little spare cash. Whereas my father runs his own B&B, so can take time off whenever he likes. esp in the winter months. Also he has plenty of money! He's only 47, I think he's being quite childish and has picked a bad time to prove his point, but thats his loss!

If we don't go and see him, I don't know if, or when he'll come and see us.

[Sasha-2008]

It sounds to me like he is being stubbon and if he really wanted to see you then he would come down in a shot.

He does not seem to be very inderstanding about your daughter being poorly and about it not being ideal for her to tarvel.

You have to do what is right for you. If you want to see him even tho you may feel the feeling is not so mutal then I would go because after all he is your father.

and if it's really not possible with your little one then explain to him and don't go. you can't feel bad if it's physically not possible.

If he does not understnd this then I really don't know what to suggest. I don't wanna sound harsh or anything as I really do know how hard it is with families.

Just do what id right for your and your family.

Good luck
x

[Psychick]

Knowing how poorly your LO has been, especially very recently, I actually think he is out of order thinking you all should make the long journey to see him. It would be different if she was a little older and hadnt been so poorly. But in your case, he really should be the one taking the first step here. If he isnt willing to do that this time, then Im sorry to say, I dont think he ever will. He needs to show he is willing to make a shared effort. If he is willing to come to you this time then maybe you can take your turn to visit him when LO is a bit older and lots better.

As for the long car journey, I did do long trip with just my oldest when she was 8 months. It was just the two of us and wasnt too bad but I did make two stops to give her something to eat/drink and change her. The journey took about 1 1/2 hours longer. I was lucky though because she slept for the first couple of hours and she used to love being in the car. Make sure you have feeds made up ready as well as meals/snacks, just in case you break down or get stuck in traffic.

[ladyalex]

This trip sounds as if it will be hell on wheels....and I don't just mean the journey there and back, I mean the staying for 2 days too.
I think your father is being incredibly mean, selfish and self-centred. If he has not made the effort to come and see his grandchild in ten months and is refusing to come now, he is not likely to make any efforts to make you welcome when you go there.
There is no need for you to close the door on him, just let him know that you will be pleased to see him when he can make it to see you.
Ask yourself...do you really want to waste a holiday weekend being upset with a selfish (not so old) man ? Do you really want to put your beautiful,precious baby daughter who has been quite ill, through a very long uncomfortable car journey just so that someone who has not shown enough interest in her to visit her can take a quick look at her then watch the TV ? And that's before we get into how annoyed your partner will be with your father .
Or would you and your partner prefer to spend the holiday weekend as a loving family together doing something you enjoy (even if that's nothing very much) ?
Sorry to be so hard, but people like your Dad who are so selfish and actually quite lazy as well, they make my blood boil.
Whatever you do, I hope it works out OK in the end.

[lozzylou]

hi k8 i have to agree with ladyalex, i didnt see very much of my dad before i had my boys, then when i was pregnant i tried so hard to sort the relationship out before baby was born. my dad never seemed interested so i simply told him, you know where i am if you want to see the baby, but you are either a part of his life on a regular basis or no part at all. i didnt want him to come in and out there lives when it suited him. luckily he changed his ways and they see him 3 or 4 times a month now. your dad knows where you are i wouldnt waste my energy if he was interested he would have made the effort by now x x

[brenda]

Not a good idea travelling on a Bank Holiday with a young baby, to see a very selfish grandfather.Stay at home enjoy , relax and be together.

Tell him and everyone else that he is more than welcome to come and see you and the baby, and possibly stay over, but at the moment you all .
going there is out of the question, little one off colour and so on.

If he chooses to be difficult , be strong , ignore it and get on with your lives.After all it is his loss not yours.

Try not to let this issue become a big deal between you all , accept him for what he is warts and all.

Best of luck .

[terambulan]

Wait till babe is older and stronger. Father could be busy with B&B over hols. Dont be upset, its just the wrong time and when your babe is older she can respond better to new introductions.....meanwhile, keep lines open to father.

[sadmama]

Its shocking that your dad has,nt been to see his 1st grandchild unless he has been poorly thats different.Personally i would email or phone and let him know that your wee one is sickly...I certainly would,nt put her or you and your partner through a 5 hour car journey..that would not be fair tell him and his partner are very welcome to visit you and your family in your home. Its actually shocking that he.has not seen your baby and she is 10 months old.You be strong and firm as you are a mum and your wee ones come first..Regardles of him being your dad he is so wrong.

[sqad617]

This is an easy one.

Contact your father and tell him that if he doesn't come to see his grandchild, he will never be allowed to again.

End of story.

[k8bailey]

Thankyou all for your answers. I feel better knowing I'm not being unreasonable. The more I think about it, the more angry I am about him not coming to see us earlier! He has no excuse, he's just stubborn!!

Anyway, as it happens LO is poorly AGAIN, so we won't be going but I think I will have to be brave and explain that it wouldn't be right to go even if she were well enough.

Ladyalex and Brenda are so right there are lots of better ways to spend the weekend. :)

Lozzy I'm glad thing worked out with your dad but I think Sqad might be onto something if he's not interested now why bother- he's certainly not worth the stress!