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families and Grief
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It's been three and a half months since my dad died and eight months since my grandfather died and,as a family, we seem to be getting worse instead of better. The last month or so has been terrible. The girls have been getting into trouble at school, not big things, just not paying attention, not getting on with work and so on and at home they've been very hard work. They've been demanding, squabble constantly, argue back and ignore us when we ask them to do something.
Now, I'm the first to put my hands up and say my tolerence levels at the moment are part of the problem. I am worn out trying to keep everybody happy and my patience and energy are at an all time low. Eerytime I try and do something nice it just seems to backfire and we all end up angry at each other again.
My husband has been great and tries to take as much off me as he can but I know he gets fed up too and I end up just feeling guilty about putting him under extra stress.
Any tips on how we can help each other through this would be greatly appreciated. At the moment I just feel like walkng away from it all for a while. Thanks.
Now, I'm the first to put my hands up and say my tolerence levels at the moment are part of the problem. I am worn out trying to keep everybody happy and my patience and energy are at an all time low. Eerytime I try and do something nice it just seems to backfire and we all end up angry at each other again.
My husband has been great and tries to take as much off me as he can but I know he gets fed up too and I end up just feeling guilty about putting him under extra stress.
Any tips on how we can help each other through this would be greatly appreciated. At the moment I just feel like walkng away from it all for a while. Thanks.
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Hi yinyang. I am so very sorry to hear about the awful time that you have been having. I obviously don't know all your circumstances but might there be a chance that you all need the opportunity to sit down together and talk about the terrible grief that you are all experiencing?
It sounds as if maybe all of you are trying to deal with it alone which is very difficult. However there is so much strength you could find if you tackled it together as a family.
There is a fantastic organisation called Cruse who can offer you whatever help you might need. Please give them a call to see how they can help - I know that they will be able to help you somehow. Here is a link:
http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/
Best of luck to you and take care.
It sounds as if maybe all of you are trying to deal with it alone which is very difficult. However there is so much strength you could find if you tackled it together as a family.
There is a fantastic organisation called Cruse who can offer you whatever help you might need. Please give them a call to see how they can help - I know that they will be able to help you somehow. Here is a link:
http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/
Best of luck to you and take care.
Hi yingyang,
I do understand how difficult things have been and are still being for you and your family. One bereavement to cope with is difficult enough. I think you have actually told yourself what you should do - go and stay with a friend or other family member for a few days. When you are removed from the situation, you will be able to see things more clearly and give yourself breathing space to resume handling things when you get home. It's not a coward's way out, it is probably the best thing you could do for yourself and your family at present.
I hope you do this and it works out for you.
filibuster
I do understand how difficult things have been and are still being for you and your family. One bereavement to cope with is difficult enough. I think you have actually told yourself what you should do - go and stay with a friend or other family member for a few days. When you are removed from the situation, you will be able to see things more clearly and give yourself breathing space to resume handling things when you get home. It's not a coward's way out, it is probably the best thing you could do for yourself and your family at present.
I hope you do this and it works out for you.
filibuster
yingyang
I agree with all the other abers.
You all appear to be walking on eggshells at the moment.
Maybe you all need to sit and talk about the grief you are feeling.
This is also a bad time of year. Miserable, horrible weather etc.
Three and a half months is nothing at all. There are five stages to go through to get through the grieving process and sometimes we don't always face it head on. We tend to brush it under the carpet for the sake of others.
It takes time over one loss, let alone two, so one day at a time.
Hope you start to feel better soon. x
I agree with all the other abers.
You all appear to be walking on eggshells at the moment.
Maybe you all need to sit and talk about the grief you are feeling.
This is also a bad time of year. Miserable, horrible weather etc.
Three and a half months is nothing at all. There are five stages to go through to get through the grieving process and sometimes we don't always face it head on. We tend to brush it under the carpet for the sake of others.
It takes time over one loss, let alone two, so one day at a time.
Hope you start to feel better soon. x
Thank you for your answers.
The girls and I did all have a cry together earlier on but they're not quite 6 and it's hard finding a level they understand without it all becoming too deep and scary. I have told them to talk to me any time they want to and not to worry if it seems to make me sad, it's ok for us all to be sad just now.
Apart from the two deaths that affected the girls, we also lost my other grandmother ( who lived very far away and had alzheimer's so the girls never met her ) two days before my dad, two uncles and a family friend in the last 12 months. We haven't told the girls about these deaths because even though they didn't know the people it would just add to their upset.
Ach,I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling like this because it's not who i am. I know it will get better.
The girls and I did all have a cry together earlier on but they're not quite 6 and it's hard finding a level they understand without it all becoming too deep and scary. I have told them to talk to me any time they want to and not to worry if it seems to make me sad, it's ok for us all to be sad just now.
Apart from the two deaths that affected the girls, we also lost my other grandmother ( who lived very far away and had alzheimer's so the girls never met her ) two days before my dad, two uncles and a family friend in the last 12 months. We haven't told the girls about these deaths because even though they didn't know the people it would just add to their upset.
Ach,I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling like this because it's not who i am. I know it will get better.
I'm sorry your're having such a hard time Yinyang. I think the fact you recognise your tolerance is low is the first step to the solution - you need some time to yourself every day to be 'miserable' without being interupted by day to day tasks, set a time for this every day eg an hour in the bath in the evening, with no interuptions from anyone else. The rest of the time when you feel yourself getting short with the girls acknowledge to them that you are 'grumpy' because you are sad, tell them it's not really their fault , then try and take a deep breath and sort out whatever their issue is - keep telling yourself you can have your 'sad' hour later.
Hope this helps X
Hope this helps X
I am sorry you are having such a rough time. Grief can often take a long time to work its way through the system and has a nasty habit of jumping out and hitting us unexpectedly, just when we think things are beginning to settle down. Your feelings are quite normal and possibly caused because you have been so busy trying to cope with your children that you haven't really had time to grieve properly yourself. Your children are obviously still very young and need a lot of attention, but is there any way you can find a little time and space for yourself with a new hobby or activity, or get away for a brief break in some nice natural surroundings where you can just have time for reflection and to try and come to terms with everything. Even a short walk on your own sometimes can provide a brief breathing space when everything suddenly threatens to blow up and overwhelm you. Don't beat yourself up. Thing will slowly improve. One day you will find yourself waking up, the sun will be shining, and you will suddenly realise that you actually feel at ease with yourself again without realising that the worst of the grief has passed away.
Thank you again.
Things have been better since our crying session on monday. The girls hadn't wanted to talk to me in case I got upset and we made the mistake of thinking that because they never mentioned it they were doing ok with it all.
Mum and i went back to our yoga class this week so that will be good for both of us.
Everyday is a step forward but I'm not so sure about waking up to finding the sun shining, whoever - i do live in Glasgow you know! : )
Thanks to everyone that answered. x
Things have been better since our crying session on monday. The girls hadn't wanted to talk to me in case I got upset and we made the mistake of thinking that because they never mentioned it they were doing ok with it all.
Mum and i went back to our yoga class this week so that will be good for both of us.
Everyday is a step forward but I'm not so sure about waking up to finding the sun shining, whoever - i do live in Glasgow you know! : )
Thanks to everyone that answered. x
Yinyang, i feel for you!
I lost my Dad suddenly 5 months ago and have been having a very hard time with it. I have a 15 month old baby and we had a pretty hard time, I was not myself and he picked up on it and became very naughty-pushing all his boundaries and not really understanding what was wrong with me. I know it is hard when you have more than one kid but maybe Mr Yinyang could take them all out for the day and you could just have a day to yourself to try and deal with how you feel- you won't let yourself do it completely while the children are about. I went through all the motions-grief,denial, anger-still not really acceptance yet but It'll come I guess. Every time I start to feel a little sad I ask Mr Schlomo to take little one out somewhere as soon as he can-sometimes he goes over to his parents for a day (or even a night and have a fine old time I might add!huh) and I can go over things in my head and look through all my photos and letters and remember the good times-sometimes I write stuff down, like things me & Dad did that were good times and the way he was, things he used to say. I have a major cry and feel sorry for myself (not in my nature either, but it helps sometimes!!) By the time Mr Schlomo gets back with the little monkey I am missing them and glad for what I have not lost.
I hope this helps in some way...had a bit of a ramble there!
All the best, and you WILL get through it hon, but if you don't give yourself time to grieve then it will come back to haunt you.
xxx
I lost my Dad suddenly 5 months ago and have been having a very hard time with it. I have a 15 month old baby and we had a pretty hard time, I was not myself and he picked up on it and became very naughty-pushing all his boundaries and not really understanding what was wrong with me. I know it is hard when you have more than one kid but maybe Mr Yinyang could take them all out for the day and you could just have a day to yourself to try and deal with how you feel- you won't let yourself do it completely while the children are about. I went through all the motions-grief,denial, anger-still not really acceptance yet but It'll come I guess. Every time I start to feel a little sad I ask Mr Schlomo to take little one out somewhere as soon as he can-sometimes he goes over to his parents for a day (or even a night and have a fine old time I might add!huh) and I can go over things in my head and look through all my photos and letters and remember the good times-sometimes I write stuff down, like things me & Dad did that were good times and the way he was, things he used to say. I have a major cry and feel sorry for myself (not in my nature either, but it helps sometimes!!) By the time Mr Schlomo gets back with the little monkey I am missing them and glad for what I have not lost.
I hope this helps in some way...had a bit of a ramble there!
All the best, and you WILL get through it hon, but if you don't give yourself time to grieve then it will come back to haunt you.
xxx
Its documented on here (I have had fantastic support through each process) and if I can help at all I will
In a nutshell my children lost their dad in a horrific motorbike accident 5months ago (my ex husband and still held a great deal of affection for each other).He was 50.
There are differnt grieving processes and I have found unfortunately (or fortunatlely) that I have the most support from my friends on here.
I suspect that everyone is still going through their own process thus not really interested in how anyone else is feeling.I have had to bottle it up because I had to be their for our children and my mum and dad who adored him didnt support me.See where i'm coming from -everyone gets wrapped up in their own grief and it looks like you are the one who has been left out.
In a nutshell my children lost their dad in a horrific motorbike accident 5months ago (my ex husband and still held a great deal of affection for each other).He was 50.
There are differnt grieving processes and I have found unfortunately (or fortunatlely) that I have the most support from my friends on here.
I suspect that everyone is still going through their own process thus not really interested in how anyone else is feeling.I have had to bottle it up because I had to be their for our children and my mum and dad who adored him didnt support me.See where i'm coming from -everyone gets wrapped up in their own grief and it looks like you are the one who has been left out.
As for tolerance levels -just bloody let it go -I have on two occasions let my mum and dad have it and told them to stop wallowing in their own grief -as its not just theirs.
I also just a couple of weeks ago let my daughter have it and she now realises that she has her own grief to deal with but she is not excusive -she is way more tolerant now and doesnt fly off the handle so much now.
Its tough hun -you are grieving and no-one is caring about you.You have to tell them how you feel -honestly take it from me -they will listen and their attitides will change-they need you and dont want to lose you and you give them all the wake-up call they need.
I posted just last week that I wanted to just eff off for a few days but I didnt - although Legends offer was tempting.
Please post anytime -I will look out for your post -or you can even EMail me if you want -I really do know what you are going through -not that everyone else doesnt -its just we are at the same timescale.
EMail me on [email protected] ANYTIME -I know you probably wont but if you do I will give you my home number so you can phone me anytime and I mean anytime.
Its a long road but you will start to see a little chink at the end of the tunnel xxx
Crue -I will EMail ya next week hun -got Mum and Dads 50th this weekend -hope things are improving -thinking of ya both xx
I also just a couple of weeks ago let my daughter have it and she now realises that she has her own grief to deal with but she is not excusive -she is way more tolerant now and doesnt fly off the handle so much now.
Its tough hun -you are grieving and no-one is caring about you.You have to tell them how you feel -honestly take it from me -they will listen and their attitides will change-they need you and dont want to lose you and you give them all the wake-up call they need.
I posted just last week that I wanted to just eff off for a few days but I didnt - although Legends offer was tempting.
Please post anytime -I will look out for your post -or you can even EMail me if you want -I really do know what you are going through -not that everyone else doesnt -its just we are at the same timescale.
EMail me on [email protected] ANYTIME -I know you probably wont but if you do I will give you my home number so you can phone me anytime and I mean anytime.
Its a long road but you will start to see a little chink at the end of the tunnel xxx
Crue -I will EMail ya next week hun -got Mum and Dads 50th this weekend -hope things are improving -thinking of ya both xx
I agree with Dris that the people on this site can be very supportive and give you the right words to make sense of things. This last year seems to have been very bad for alot of the users on here, one thing I do know is that everyone who is close to a person lost, has their own grief to deal with, and they can deal with it in many diferent ways. Children can become difficult through not understanding why an adult has become upset and irritable, partners can get upset because they feel (maybe selfishly) that they are being neglected. Noone has to follow any rule book on how to grieve, and we don;t have to always pretend to be strong either. If you feel you need to get away from it all, maybe you ate better planning a short rest somewhere, and even if you all go as a family, it will still be a rest, and may also help you all bond together a a family that has all lost loved ones.
Hear Hear Dot -think its important to try to support each other as a unit -I had the problem that I am on my second marriage and whilst he will do anything for the kids he doesnt understand why I am grieving.
Think he does now cos he now knows I am grieving for their loss for the rest of their long (hopefully) lives.
Perhaps even a 'fun' day out -to bring some semblance of normality back into your family would be a start.
Think he does now cos he now knows I am grieving for their loss for the rest of their long (hopefully) lives.
Perhaps even a 'fun' day out -to bring some semblance of normality back into your family would be a start.
Thank you Dris and Dot.
Dris, I have seen some of your posts. i can only imagine that it must take so long for the shock to wear off before you can even start to grieve. I can't offer you anything except my condolences.
I know you're right, it's just hard to break the habit of always being the one that everybody expects to cope.
Dot, you're right - last year was a terrible year for so many people, your own family included.
AB has been great. Because you are speaking to a wide group of people there is always someone that can relate do what you're going through.
As for going away, what I'd really like to do is get rid of the kids for the night and have a drunken, dirty weekend with my husband. : ) Anybody free to babysit?
Dris and Dot, I sincerely hope that this is a better year for us and our families and wish you both all the best. Take care of yourselves.
Dris, I have seen some of your posts. i can only imagine that it must take so long for the shock to wear off before you can even start to grieve. I can't offer you anything except my condolences.
I know you're right, it's just hard to break the habit of always being the one that everybody expects to cope.
Dot, you're right - last year was a terrible year for so many people, your own family included.
AB has been great. Because you are speaking to a wide group of people there is always someone that can relate do what you're going through.
As for going away, what I'd really like to do is get rid of the kids for the night and have a drunken, dirty weekend with my husband. : ) Anybody free to babysit?
Dris and Dot, I sincerely hope that this is a better year for us and our families and wish you both all the best. Take care of yourselves.
Yinyang, thank you for your answer on my post, I had posted an answer on yours before I found out about Gramps. I guess there are so many people whose lives parallel its unreal, and some of us have the answerbank! Isn't it strange how its sometimes easier to speak to complete strangers about your life but they seem to understand more?!
As for the drunken weekend, I say go for it girl!! Let evrything out and drink yourself silly and just be YOU for one night, you're not hurting anyone (except your liver-and perhaps groin strain, lol!)
Take care babes
xxx
As for the drunken weekend, I say go for it girl!! Let evrything out and drink yourself silly and just be YOU for one night, you're not hurting anyone (except your liver-and perhaps groin strain, lol!)
Take care babes
xxx
yinyang -thanks first of all but this about you -you go for it -let your hair down -and i'm sure that it will give you the boost and strength you need for the next onslaught,
We are always here and thankfully for every person who is sick to the back teeth of me -there are the ones who keep me going and thankfully -its not the type of site where people post nastily- they just simply avoid your thread .
Pleae keep posting -we all help each otjer in the long run and no -I am soo not one of those hug a tree types -I just feel I get more from my friends on here and so will you..Take Care x
Schlomo -I saw your thread -I'll catch ya there hun x
We are always here and thankfully for every person who is sick to the back teeth of me -there are the ones who keep me going and thankfully -its not the type of site where people post nastily- they just simply avoid your thread .
Pleae keep posting -we all help each otjer in the long run and no -I am soo not one of those hug a tree types -I just feel I get more from my friends on here and so will you..Take Care x
Schlomo -I saw your thread -I'll catch ya there hun x
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