sleepovers

[bubbly2000]

My daughter & her boyfriend are both 16 and have been together for a year. They are very smitten. She approached me recently and said they had been talking and wants to go on the pill, as they don't want to take risks as they are both very career orientated and have clear goals which they want to acheive. She asked if he could stay over, to which I agreed. She sleeps with me and he has the spare bed. Before I agreed to her staying at his, I met his family and they are nice respectable hardworking people. So everything should be fine, however, I have a partner of 3 yrs who does not live with me, and hes blown his top about the sleepovers, as he dosen't agree with kids having partners to stay under parents roofs. I suggested a compromise, that I wouldn't allow him to stay over on a night when he stayed, but he said no, not any night, regardless if it was out night or not. So wer'e at a stale mate and its causing so much tension. Help..Am I being a slack mother, I don't think I am, but would be grateful for anyones opinion

[AlBags]

Maybe he considers one year relationship and ages of 16 is not long enough. Talk about it sensibly and see what compromise he would accept. If he is a partner, you should still respect his view, even though he doesn't live with you. Good luck.

[society]

Call me old-fashion but I agree with you partner. If they were married or adults living together and visited you, and decided to sleep over then that's different.

[MarkRae]

Your partner is not the girl's father. Therefore, he gets *NO SAY WHATSOEVER* in this.

If your daughter said that she didn't want your partner to sleep over, what would your reaction be? How is this any different?

[bubbly2000]

I have spoken to him at length. It wouldn't matter what age they were or how long they have been together. He has grown up kids who live with their partners but he wouldn't even allow them to stay over at mine when we had a garden party last summer. My parents have moved away, so if we visit we would have to stay over, he said I would have to go alone as he wouldn't stay under their roof. Like I said a stale mate as he won't accept the compromise

[MarkRae]

> Call me old-fashion but I agree with you partner. If they were married or adults living
> together and visited you, and decided to sleep over then that's different.

Unless I've misread, they don't even sleep in the same room. The girl sleeps with her mother and the boyfriend takes a spare room.

What on earth are you actually objecting to here...?

[ladyalex]

I'd say your difficulty lies with your partner rather than your daughter.

On all kinds of levels.

Good luck.

[MarkRae]

Bubbly, I have to say this guy sounds like nothing but trouble... Is he some religious nutter? What exactly is his problem? Is is that your daughter and his children are unmarried...?

[saxy_jag]

Agree with Mark, this is between you and your daughter and her boyfriend, and possibly his parents too.

Look at it the other way round - how does your daughter feel about your partner staying over? Forget her age - she's legally old enough to sleep with her boyfriend and she sounds a very mature young lady. I'm sorry, but if your partner doesn't like it - tough!

[brenda]

If they are sleeping in seperate rooms at your house , I do not see what his problem is.They sound sensible young people ,and although 1 year is not long all relationships have to start at the beginning.I think you are being a sensible Mum keeping things out in the open.Ithink sometimes partners feel a bit left out of discussions esp on girl things,and he probably feels that he should try to protect your daughter , failing to realise that she a young woman in many ways.A compromise is the only way forward on this , but if that fails it is your house, your daughter in the end.

[brenda]

P.s have just thoughtof something else, does this partner of yours have the potential to become some sort of control freak? Just a thought.

[bubbly2000]

yes, he is very oldfashioned, which I try to respect, however, he's not her dad and he dosen't live here, I can't accept that hes trying to dictate to me on my parenting skills and calling me slack and saying i have no morals. I ask my daughter what she thinks and shes said if its causing problems then she will just stay there instead, but I think thats unfair on his family.

[dizmouk2009]

"He has grown up kids who live with their partners but he wouldn't even allow them to stay over at mine when we had a garden party last summer. My parents have moved away, so if we visit we would have to stay over, he said I would have to go alone as he wouldn't stay under their roof." - This man has serious issues.

I disagree with anyone who has said this is because of you daughter and her boyfriend because it clearly isn't. He sounds like he has issues with other people being around you, or him in gerneral; what sort of person won't stay at their own childs house?

You're dealing with someone with a mental problem here.

[MarkRae]

Does he ever stay over at your house?

[ladyalex]

'slack' 'no morals'
Bin him now before the abuse gets worse.

Why is it OK for him to stay over with you, by the way ? oh , expect it's because you're 'slack' and have 'no morals'
Sorry to be so rude, but I really do think you have to take a step back here and think about what this man is doing/saying to you.

[Nummy]

Your daughter is being extremely open, honest and mature about the situation and if they don't sleep together when her boyfriend stays over, then i don't see what the problem is.

The fact your partner won't allow his adult children to have their partners stay over and that he refuses to stay at your parents with you seems to suggest that he has the problem.

Your daughter sounds like a very mature, intelligent young lady.

[dizmouk2009]

bubbly2000, ignore the fact this has anything to do with your daughter or her boyfriend. Deal with your partner. I agree with the comments about your daughter being responsible but that isn't the issue - people need to see that.

[bubbly2000]

markrae n brenda....No hes not a religious nutter. He just says he dosen't agree with it married or unmarried, full stop, but he can't give me a reason why. He's very critical but never complimentary, eg. He came to her dance show but said it was rubbish and costs to much money and I shouldn't be paying out so much. He thinks girls should all have long hair, however, now she's 16 she had it cut to shoulder length, he said it was bloody stupid, I had mine cut too and he said its horrible and I shouldn't have done it cus I knew he didn't like it. So yes Brenda, he does have a tendency to try & control, however, Im quite strong so its not that much of a problem

[MarkRae]

Bubbly, in which case, all I can say is that love is obviously blind, and I feel really, really sorry for you being with this guy...

I wish you the very best of luck - you're going to need it...