Editor's Blog1 min ago
So Sorry To Bother You All But.....
98 Answers
I need some impartial advice. I'm getting opinions,left right and centre and I can't think logically . To cut a really long story short I ended up spending most of last night on the phone and is endless txt messages to my one son who Is always in trouble and tbh needs counselling in my opinion. He has been in prison, can be very violent and has such extreme mood swings that he scares me. He has a 4 yr old daughter who lives with mum and he speaks to daily on phone and sees every week. He is in and out of work and it's all a nightmare. Mr smow is away on business at the mo. Son ends up ringing me last night as he was having a bad day and he basically pleaded to come bk and live with me temporarily . We are three hours apart. He has tried living with me twice as an adult and both times ended badly. If I say yes then hubby will go absolutely mental. But I've got my child on the phone literally crying his eyes out as yet again he has got his life into a right state. Yet it's like Groundhog Day . I've been here and done this. I've offered advice and help to him all Eve and yet all he keeps saying is he wants to come home. He is 22.
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The answer has to be no.
First of all, your loyalty is your husband first, and your children after that.
Second of all, this man (and he is a man for all that he is your child) has to learn to stand on his own two feet.
Having a refuge at mummy's to run back to when the going gets tough is never going to teach him to face up to his responsibilities as the adult he is.
The Americans call this 'tough love'.
Taking him in will not help him in the way he needs -and cause problems in your own home which you don't need.
Be tough - that is also part of loving your child.
First of all, your loyalty is your husband first, and your children after that.
Second of all, this man (and he is a man for all that he is your child) has to learn to stand on his own two feet.
Having a refuge at mummy's to run back to when the going gets tough is never going to teach him to face up to his responsibilities as the adult he is.
The Americans call this 'tough love'.
Taking him in will not help him in the way he needs -and cause problems in your own home which you don't need.
Be tough - that is also part of loving your child.
To clarify he is staying with a friend and sleeping on a mattress on the floor(so he says). He mucked up last weeks times sheets (again!!) so wasn't paid on time and I ended up sending him money by BACS On Friday. He definitely suffers from some sort of depression/mental health issue as his moods are so extreme. Oh god what a nightmare!!
As jno advises, it sounds like he needs medical intervention - urge him to see his GP and talk to him or her. Should be the first step towards getting the help he clearly needs.
I cannot stress enough that taking him into your home will be a disaster and help no-one and solve nothing.
It looks like a solution to both of you - trust me, it's not.
I cannot stress enough that taking him into your home will be a disaster and help no-one and solve nothing.
It looks like a solution to both of you - trust me, it's not.
Could he get enrolled on anger management courses? Would he be willing to see a Councillor? Does he only want to come home because it is the easy option or does he actually want to turn his life around?
As has already been said the answer should be no but we are, as mothers, programmed to care for our children no matter what so I know the answer is difficult for you.
Perhaps if he undertakes council ing and anger management and/or any other helpful initiative then you would consider being his support but not his housekeeper until he has proved he is willing and able to change and stick to it.
As has already been said the answer should be no but we are, as mothers, programmed to care for our children no matter what so I know the answer is difficult for you.
Perhaps if he undertakes council ing and anger management and/or any other helpful initiative then you would consider being his support but not his housekeeper until he has proved he is willing and able to change and stick to it.
He does see his doctor who has put him om anti depressants and suggested last month that he needed counselling and should start with a telephone assesment with someone who would then decide best course of action.apparently that's the norm these days?? He stayed here in Jan with his daughter for 4 days and everything was fine but the time before that I found one of my kitchen carving knives in the bed upstairs that he was staying in
To take him back into the home, even temporarily, it would need to be agreed by both yourself and your husband. From what you write that seems a non-starter.
Your son is 22 and there are times throughout our lives we all feel like crying but one should get the emotional stuff out of the way, accept what sympathy is offered, and then start looking at solutions. I suspect mothers are more emotionally affected by sons' distress.
I think you and he, and very likely Mr Smow too, need to give some thought as to exactly what his problems are, and how to proceed. Listing them may be a start.
The mood swings suggest some psychological help would not go amiss. That might be simply counselling or maybe something else. Perhaps a trip to the GP would help.
Leaving his responsibilities to his daughter and her mother, by fleeing 3 hours away, does not seem something one should encourage. Although if the details of this situation were in earlier posts, I do not recall them.
Naturally one priority would be to get employment. Maybe easier said than done but one has to keep plugging away until one captures a break. Try to be as encouraging as possible.
But stay firm in your decision.
I understand getting others to work out the wood from the trees is not easy. It was only this weekend I was accused by someone of not treating their issues seriously when I had been the very height of empathy and sympathy and encouragement at all times. It's very difficult to get others to see what is true sometimes.
Good luck.
Your son is 22 and there are times throughout our lives we all feel like crying but one should get the emotional stuff out of the way, accept what sympathy is offered, and then start looking at solutions. I suspect mothers are more emotionally affected by sons' distress.
I think you and he, and very likely Mr Smow too, need to give some thought as to exactly what his problems are, and how to proceed. Listing them may be a start.
The mood swings suggest some psychological help would not go amiss. That might be simply counselling or maybe something else. Perhaps a trip to the GP would help.
Leaving his responsibilities to his daughter and her mother, by fleeing 3 hours away, does not seem something one should encourage. Although if the details of this situation were in earlier posts, I do not recall them.
Naturally one priority would be to get employment. Maybe easier said than done but one has to keep plugging away until one captures a break. Try to be as encouraging as possible.
But stay firm in your decision.
I understand getting others to work out the wood from the trees is not easy. It was only this weekend I was accused by someone of not treating their issues seriously when I had been the very height of empathy and sympathy and encouragement at all times. It's very difficult to get others to see what is true sometimes.
Good luck.
Smoball - //I know.i just feel I'm between a rock and a hard place ....... //
Of course you do - your instinct as a mum is pulling against your instinct to do the best thing, it is really hard.
He will blame you - of course. That is basic transference - if he can make this situation your fault, it excuses him from making it his fault, and having to do something about it.
You need to stand firm, whatever the options are, him living with you is absolutely not one of them.
Of course you do - your instinct as a mum is pulling against your instinct to do the best thing, it is really hard.
He will blame you - of course. That is basic transference - if he can make this situation your fault, it excuses him from making it his fault, and having to do something about it.
You need to stand firm, whatever the options are, him living with you is absolutely not one of them.
Having now skimmed through the responses I see you are already partly on that course. Getting medical/psychological help, getting him to realise he now needs to sort out his issues without trying to run from them, both good. Let him know you are always there to listen and suggest and be in his corner, but that he does need to stand up to the issues and get them sorted. Perhaps one thing he could do is list things he has to do. Many folk use a "To Do" list. Sounds like he needs a daily one for writing up his timesheets at the end of the day so they aren't messed up. I take it this means he has a job ? Then how permanent is that ? Is 'getting a job' one thing he can cross off the problem list ?
you are, Smowball, but ultimately this is his problem, not yours. I'm relieved to hear he's already seen his GP; perhaps he needs to go back and explain that (as it appears from your post) his health is getting worse. The business about the knife is worrying; you certainly shouldn't let him back in your home, but do encourage him to seek more help.
