jokes

[indian]

funniest joke?

[smudge]

What is it then?

[landie]

3 scaffolders working at the top of a high rise who had stopped for lunch.

The first, an Englishman, said, 'Ham sandwiches again for me. I made the mistake of telling my missus, many years ago, that I loved ham and that's what I get every day. I'm so fed up with it now that, if I get the same tomorrow, I think I'll chuck myself of this bloody building and have done with it'.

The second, a Scot, said, 'I've got egg', and he explained how he also had told his lassie that he liked an egg sandwich. He ended up agreeing with the Englishman that things were getting beyond a joke and that he would join him in jumping if he had egg the next day.

The third, called Paddy, found that he had corned beef again and concurred with both the Scot and the Englishman that it was a mistake to tell the missus what he liked on his sarnies. He agreed to join his workmates if he got the same next day.

As it happened, at lunchtime the following day, the Englishman found that, once again, he had been given Ham sandwiches by his wife. He said, 'That's it lads, I'm not eating these, he pencilled a short but loving goodbye to his wife explaining his actions and he jumped. The Scot found that he had egg and followed the Englishman. When Paddy opened his tuck box he discovered that he had Corned Beef and threw himself off the building.

At the Inquest into the three deaths, some weeks later, the Englishman's wife was questioned in the witness box and tearfully agreed that her husband had indeed told her some time ago of his liking for ham sandwiches and that she made them for him every day because she loved him. 'I would have given him something different if he'd spoken up', she said tearfully.

Coincidentally the Scot's wife said the very same thing about egg sandwiches and was close to breaking her heart.

Paddy's wife said that she didn't feel that she was in any way to blame as Paddy always made his own packed lunch.

[IndieSinger]

Q. How do you make a cat drink?

A. Put it in a blender.

[ICEMANSAV]

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a ***** house.

When they arrived at the house, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blowup" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or groaned...how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast she farted and flew out the window!"

[sp1814]

IndieSinger - that may very well be the funniest joke I've heard all year.

However, I would like to submit my two favourites:

1. A woman walks into a pub and asks for a double entendre...so the barman gives her one.

2. (By the way, being a gay man, I can tell this one without fear of being called homophobic):

How many gay men does it take to change a lightbub?

5 - one to phone the electrician and four to fix the Martinis and dips.

I thank you...

[jaggers]

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because he still had his hand in the chicken.

[jaggers]

(No offence - I have lots of blonde, clever friends!)

What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.

[Woodstock]

IndieSinger - your joke's awful - but soooo funny, have you any more?

How about mine?

Two vampire bats were hanging upside down asleep in a cave.  One woke up and turning to the other noticed blood dripping from it's fangs, which made him feel very hungry.  He nudged the other bat and asked, " Where have you just been?".  The second bat said, "You see that tree over there?"   "Yes" the first bat replied.  "Well" said the second bat, "I didn't!"

[IndieSinger]

Q. How do you make a cat go 'Woof'?

A. Cover it in petrol and throw a lit match on it.

[luckystrike]

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese!

[luckystrike]

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms!

[milly143]

Why are jokes about blondes so short?

So men can remember them.

[luckystrike]

A man is sitting at a bar, when he hears a voice.  He looks around and realises that the peanuts are talking to him.  So he listens carefully, and they say, "You look very well today!"  He is very happy, until he hears another voice.  This time it is the cigarette machine.  It says, "Your mother is a s1ut!"  The man takes great offence to this, and calls over the barman to explain what happened.  The barman said, "Oh, take no notice, the peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order!"

[FastBarry]

What's the difference between "kinky" and "pervert".

If your kinky you use a feather.

If your a pervert you use a whole chicken.

[CarolG]

What do you call two happy mushrooms?

Fungi's

[Cockney_si]

A guy walks into a bar with two women and a donkey.

I can't remember the rest but the film was fantastic.

Sex is a wonderful thing between 2 people.
Between 3 its amazing.

No offence to anyone but I love blondes so here is a good blonde joke:-

A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the
room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over."
The doctor is really confused. He says, "What do you
mean, you hurt all over?" The blonde says, "I'll show
you."

She then touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! I hurt
there." Then she touches her earlobe. "OW!!!!!! I hurt
there too!" Then she touches her hair. "OW!!!!! EVEN
MY HAIR HURTS!" So the doctor sits back and thinks on
it for 5 min. Then he says, "Tell me, is blonde your
natural hair color?" The blonde says "Yes, why?"

The doctor says, "Well, you got a broken finger..."

[undercovers]

Ben Affleck goes to the doctors and says,
"Doctor doctor, every time I look in the mirror I get aroused."
 
The doctor replies, "I'm not surprised...
you're a c*nt."

[wellhungjock]

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[tanyavee]

This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in highschool, unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembering that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,"lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

"Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce," it sounds.

Then the little brother chimes in, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you're getting mayonaise all over my face."