Scottish Jokes For Burns Night

[joggerjayne]

I'm after a few Scottish jokes for Burns Night. So far I've got ...

Where would a Scotsman store his music?
On his Och Aye Pod.

[Baldric]

Have you heard about the lecherous Scotsman who lured a girl up to his attic to see his etchings? .... He sold her four of them.

[Baldric]

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? You can tune a lawn mower.

[DTCwordfan]

My wife texted me to ask me if I wanted her to get anything to help me celebrate Burns Night.

"A 12 year old single male would be just perfect" I texted back.

Imagine my disappointment when she walked in from work laughing about Kindle Autocorrect and handed me an expensive bottle of whisky.

[Baldric]

Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.

[DTCwordfan]

Jogger Jayne thinks that she is a truly patriotic Scot.

She burns supper every night.

[DTCwordfan]

It's Burns Night tonight.

So I've added oven cleaner to the wife's face cream.

[Sam1960]

http://www.electricscotland.com/humour/h65.htm

[BlackadderV]

This could get interesting. I've refilled my glass and drawn up a comfy chair to watch the show. Some Sweaties are rather thin-skinned, you know. I wonder what Alex will be looking forward to, another referen dram?

[dustypuss]

a man walks into a hospital ward . All he can hear coming from the patients is little bit of poetry (timid)(we)(mousy) etc. He ask,s the nurse what going on ?. Oh! She replied. This is the serious Burns unit.

[Baldric]

"We're going to be Independent!"

[joggerjayne]

// Jogger Jayne thinks that she is a truly patriotic Scot.

She burns supper every night. //

Ouch! x

[Ellipsis]

"Hello, IT Support, how may I help you?"

> "Eggshell."

"I'm sorry. sir, this is IT Support; how may I help you?"

> "Eggshell."

"Ahhh, Mr. Connery! Having trouble with your spreadsheets again?"

[DTCwordfan]

A newly qualified doctor, called Dr. Sqad, arrives for his first day at a hospital, deep in the Welsh valleys. He is met by one of the sisters, who has been given the task of showing him around the hospital and introducing him to the staff and patients.

It is a large hospital and it takes the whole day to get round. By late afternoon they are working their way through the psychiatric block and as the time approaches for the evening meal they arrive at the last ward.

They follow the dinner trolley into the ward and wait while one of the nurses lifts the lid on the food tray. To Doctor Sqad's surprise there is but a single haggis on the tray to feed a whole ward.

One of the patients moves towards the trolley in a purposeful manner addressing the haggis,

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.

Before he can reach the haggis another patient sprints forward, grabs the simple repast and dashes up the ward. He proudly holds the haggis aloft and cries out in a commanding voice,

Some hae meat and cannae eat.
Some cannae eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.

At this, a kilted dervish leaps from his bed, whips a sgian dubh out of his sock and lunges at the haggis carrier. With a deft movement the haggis bearer fend off the flashing blade with the haggis. Although this prevents any injury it does result in the top of the haggis being hacked off.

A small mouse obviously waiting upon this event dashes out from under a bed, grabs the loose piece of haggis and scampers up the ward, running the gauntlet of slashing claymores and hurled dirks from various patients.

At the end of the ward stands a bent and wizened old man with a wild fire in his eyes. He screams at the mouse,

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!

And then dives upon the poor little mouse. With a left dummy and a right feint, the mouse dodges between the old man's legs, through a hole in the skirting board and to safety with his prize.

Doctor Sqad turns to the stockinged-clad sister and asks, "Why is this psychiatric ward so full of Scotsmen?"

"Oh no, Doctor, these are not Scotsmen, they are genuine valley dwellers born and bred", she replies, "and, anywa, this is not a psychiatric ward, it is the serious Burns unit"

[BlackadderV]

Now I like that one, Ellipsis.

[marval]

A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages "An' whut animal would that be ?" he asked the keeper.

"That's a moose from Canada", came the reply.

"A moose !!", exclaimed the Scotsman.

"Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !"

[marval]

Did you hear about the Scotsman who washed his kilt? He couldn't do a fling with it

A woman goes into a bakers.

She says to the assistant: "Is that a doughnut, or a meringue?"

The assistant says: "No, you're right - it's a doughnut."

[wolf63]

I am trying to think of a good joke but am drawing a blank. Will think about it tomorrow.

[maggiebee]

A Scottish newspaper ad "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value.

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! It's no that dark!

At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

Callum decided to call his father-in-law the "Exorcist" because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear

[BlackadderV]

Got it, Marval.

[mazie]

After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt.

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,"