Irish Logic

[marval]

'Wake up,' said Murphy. 'The baby's crying. It wants feeding.'
'Well, you feed it,' said his wife. 'It's your son.'
'Yes,' spluttered Murphy. 'But he's half yours.'
'I know,' smiled the missus. 'But it's your half that's crying!'


I’ll have a pair of kippers,' said Murphy to the fishmonger.
'I'm sorry. We haven't got a pair left,' said he.
'That's all right,' said Murphy. 'Give me two odd ones, the wife won't know the difference!'


The Olympic skater raced on to the ice and slipped over on his face. He recovered and then fell again, and again, and again.
Up went the marks of the judges.
Great Britain 0.0
Germany 0.0
France 0.0
Ireland 3.4
'Why the score of 3.4?' asked the other officials.
'Well,' said Judge Murphy, 'You've got to make allowances. I mean it was terrible slippery out there!'


'Caught you!' said Policeman Muldoon. 'Poaching in the river me boy is a serious offence. I must ask you to accompany me to the station.'
Halfway out of the wood Murphy the poacher pulled up in his tracks.
'Bedad,' said he, 'haven't I left me jacket by the water's edge. I'll have to go back and get it!'
'No way,' said Muldoon. 'If I let you go back you'll run off. I've got a better idea. You wait here and I'll go back for the coat!'


O’Hanlon sat in the cafe and perused the menu. Then he called the waitress and said:
'I don't want a set-price meal, can you do separate orders?'
'Yes sir,' said the waitress. 'What would you like?'
'Well,' said O’Hanlon, 'how much are two boiled eggs?'
Two boiled eggs is £1.50 sir,' was the reply.
'And how much is one boiled egg?' he asked.
'One boiled egg is £1, sir,' muttered the waitress impatiently.
'Well, then,' said O’Hanlon, 'I'll have the other one.


Sean couldn't believe it. Saturday morning 9.30 a.m. and there's a knock at the door and he's confronted by a debt collector.
'I've come to find out why you haven't made any payments on the double glazing you had fitted.'
'Don't ask me,' said Sean. 'Ask the salesman. Sure he said the stuff would pay for itself in six months!'

[Chipchopper]

All great stuff!!

[starone]

Lovely - nearly as good as blonde jokes.

[puternut]

Unemployed Paddy & Michael ere walking past a lumber yard where they saw a sign 'Tree Fellers wanted'

Paddy turns to Michael and says 'Bejeesus Mike, dats unlucky. Deres only two of us!'