adoption

[Judith 1]

Hello, anyone out there been adopted and have met your birth mother. I would  be interested in how you feel, if you felt rejected or you actually didn't want to meet your birth mother. Sorry if this subject has been discussed before.

[mullein2]

judith..i suppose your sons adopted parents are getting on in age and the upset would be too much as they have allways been nice to him...of course he is yours..and you must resemble each other..i look at my daughter and can see she has the same eye shape and bits of me in the grandchildren..me and the grandson both have the same cheeky look..i thought of tracing my real dads family but decided against that..as i am not very lucky so i put the idea out of my head..its best to leave the past where it is..i bet you are just so gratefull he found you and you can become friends and in time even more..i couldnt give a child away because of what i have been through..did you ever watch that film the magdalene sisters it was out about 2 years ago but has been on sky a few times..it was women who had babies and were put in homes like a poor workhouse..and the nuns were wicked to them..its frightening to think people used to think like that..you had no choice but to give him up my mother would have had no choice either..i actually had a bettter life in some ways than if i had been with my real mother as we had holidays ..nice house..and i allways had my aunty...if i had stayed with my real mother i would have been poor with no opportunities..and i have a better standard of the way i conduct myself and things i do..like quality things..its hard to explain on here..and i dont think i was an easy child i would dissapear whenever i felt like it and was allways cheeky and a handfull..i allways liked my own space..still do..if i got shouted at i shouted back..i cant see my real mum ever coping with that as she is to timid..i take after my dad..he is probably dead now ..my dads family were irish with a common name so it would be a nightmare even trying to find them..anyway i am so unlucky they would probably be horrors..

[Judith 1]

Hello L4dybird thanks for your post, which proves my point that every adoption  story is different. The thing that worries me is the secrecy. There was so much about the time of his birth, my family having to tell all my friends  and relations I was working away and all that,  but I know I have to do what my son wants and accept what I have with him now. At the beginning when I first found him I found it very emotional but didn't show that to him as I didn't want to frighten him away, but with councilling I have come through that. I think it was all the years of having to keep the truth locked inside and that is why I dont like secrets now but ironically I am very good at keeping them! Thanks for your message of good luck and all the best to you too!

[Judith 1]

Hi again Mullein2 Yes I did see that programme and I had to go to a church run home, and nuns ran it  but it wasn't quite as bad as in the film. We had to obey rules and work and go to church everyday and we were encouraged to make a confession of our sin but I never did, it took me all my time to confess to my parents in those days! Anyway they looked after us not too badly.The worst part was having to say goodbye to my baby but I cant say anymore about that as I get too upset.

His adoptive parents are a bit older than me but the social services placed him with a lady who is my build and similar background which I suppose was a good thing.

He does look like me and had some of my familys characteristics.

Thanks again

[Rosy B]

Judith, my daughter was adopted in 1971. I was 15 and it was arranged by my parents and the adoption agency. I didn't get a say in it and signed the papers believing I had no choice as I was still at school. I never got over it and never had any more children.  16 years ago I registered with NORCAP who liase between birth-mothers, adoptees and adoptive parents.  I told them my details and that I could be contacted should my daughter try to find me.  A few years later a national register was set up to allow anyone involved in adoption to register non-identifying details such as health problems etc, and also to give their consent to be contacted.  I didn't really expect anything to come of it but I  hoped that my daughter would try to find me.

In 1991 a social worker wrote to me, saying that she was counselling someone and gave the name of the baby I had registered and  the name she was adopted as.  My daughter wrote to me shortly after and we spoke on the phone and finally met a few weeks later.  She had not had a happy life with her adoptive family for many different reasons and I'm under no illusions that had she had a happier life, she may not have had the need to find me.   We do not take our relationship for granted and we each appreciate that we are amongst the lucky ones, in that our reunion has changed our lives for the better.  As we live in different parts of the country we don't get to see each other very often, but we phone each other and she'll come to stay with us and join in the usual family gatherings and we go and stay at hers.  We've just spent a lovely weekend together and it's always a bit of a wrench saying goodbye at the end of a visit.

Sorry to go on a bit, but I thought you should know that sometimes it does work out happily.

 

  

[jenniem]

Hello Judith,

Just to let you know that I had to give my son up for adoption in the 70's. I was 16 and under a tremendous amount of pressure to 'do the right thing' by my family. It wasn't my decision... and one that haunted me every day for over 25 years.

I went on to get married though and had 3 more wonderful children.

Happily, my son traced me a couple of years ago... and we have an amazing relationship now. He loves having sisters, and they a brother.

He hasn't told his parents that we are in contact either... I can understand it really. He has a great relationship with them... and doesn't want to upset them. I suspect though, that his mum might have an inkling... she's just waiting for him to tell her.

I would love, at some point in the future, to meet them perhaps, to let them know how it was for me at that time. I know if I met them, we would get on, just as I knew my son and I would fit like hand and glove.

But at the end of the day, I trust my son's judgement, he knows them so much better than I, and for the time being I am just over the moon that my wonderful son is part of my life... unthinkable all those years ago.

Jen x

[Jude123]

Hello Rosy B and Jenniem let me explain first I am judith 1 but had to change my user name. I thank you for your stories and I am really pleased it is working out for you. I went through NORCAP to trace my son, was a member for years and then when they became a bit more forward thinking I traced him through the non-disclosure aggreement and I was very lucky that he wanted to meet me and had tried to find me too. I understand what you say about him knowing his adoptive parents better than me and why he doesn't want to tell them but I too would like to meet them and tell them my side of the story and listen to theirs. I gave up my son in the 60's when it was really bad to become pregnant outside of marriage. But now I can say we have a good relationship in as much as we speak every week on the phone because he lives a good way away from me and we do meet a couple or three times a year.

Thanks for responding to my question and good luck to you both!