adoption

[Judith 1]

Hello, anyone out there been adopted and have met your birth mother. I would  be interested in how you feel, if you felt rejected or you actually didn't want to meet your birth mother. Sorry if this subject has been discussed before.

[Judith 1]

I realize now my question was badly put and I'm sorry if I have upset anybody. I didn't mean it to sound insensitive as I have a personal interest in this subject, and am trying to understand people's different reactions.Maybe it is too serious for this type of forum, sorry!!

[RogK]

I've never met my birth mother, Judith, and have never felt any inclination to do so. My adoptive parents (I was told when I was 8) have been a perfect mum and dad and I know it would hurt them if I announced that I was on a search. I occasionally wonder if I have brothers and sisters, but to be honest I have no really strong feelings on the matter. For most of my life finding one's real mum was not done and not talked about, and there were no laws enabling one to do it as far as I know. I have no resentment of my birth mother for 'giving me up', but I have great respect and love for my adoptive parents. If I ever do anything about it, it'll be after they've gone.

[Judith 1]

Thank you RogK for your comments you sound a sensitive and kind person with regards for your mum and dad and your birth mother. I know nowadays things have changed and there are more forward thinking  adoption societies with regards searching for birth mothers and adoptees. May I ask you how you would feel if your birth mother was to try and find you as I know that some societies have what is called a non-disclosure agreement. I will understand if that is too personal a question to answer on this forum. Just tell me to mind my own business if you want to!! But I am genuinely interested.

Judith

[mullein2]

i found my real mother..i was adopted by a couple the dad was okay but the woman pure evil..i used to get hit locked under the stairs..left out side while she was at work as soon as she legally adopted me she went back to work..if it wasnt for the adopted dads sister i would have had a bleak time..we moved twice as the neighbours set about her for the treatment of me..when i was about 9 if she hit me i used to just hit her back and i am as strong as an ox..so she became wary..i had to leave school at 15 and get a job to pay her back for keeping me..its okay dad used to give it me back..i never went to their funerals..and i dont miss them at all..so i found my real mum that was a shock as i thought i would find someone with reddish blonde hair green eyes..she had dark skin brown eyes black hair..apparently i got my colouring from my fathers side..well apparently it was my grandmother that gave me up for adoption..and you couldnt get much in the way of answers to any questions i might have had..as the relations were not saying much..anyone on here that knows me would know i found that hard..as i expected answers..someone in my mothers street told me who my dads family were as they were not saying anything..also they started to try to control me by arranging my life..as in.. next saturday we will do this...or that as though they were arranging me..which didnt go down very well..i didnt like my real mum we had nothing in common and i had no feelings whatsoever towards her..eventually i blew my top and told them to get lost that was about 16 years ago..funny really as they are less than 5 miles away from where i am and i am only here because of mr mulleins job..to be honest i dont need anyone i have a daughter ..husband and two lovely grandkids..i dont fancy relations turning up on the doorstep..especially theones i found bossy lot..

[rampart]

I cannot answer directly, but the son of some of our friends searched and found his birth mother, and then met her. 

His adoptive parents are quite wealthy. The birth mother is in an entirely different economic background and lives in another city.

The son was quite happy to meet her, and gets along just fine, despite differing backgrounds. He is quite open about his feelings on the matter. He is in his 20's if age matters.

His adoptive parents have not discussed their feelings with us, but at a dinner party and dance attended by all, mrs rampart and I noticed that the adoptive parents and birth mother seemed comfortable being in the same room.

[Judith 1]

Mullein 2 Thank you for replying. I found your story very sad but am pleased you have found happiness with your family.

I would also like to tell you that my son was adopted at 6 weeks old but I never ever gave up hope that one day maybe I would see him again and I never ever forgot him and always loved him. So not all birth mothers are tyrants and I am sorry for your experience.

Rampart Thank you  too for taking the trouble to anwer on this sometimes very moving subject.

I feel I need to explain a little about my reasons for asking this question. I am a birth mother and now consider myself very lucky as I have found my son and have been in contact for almost three years. The only problem I have is that he will not tell his adoptive parents he is in contact with me. In fact we do not discuss it as I know it would upset him. I also know he wont tell them because he doesn't want to cause his mother any distress and I totally understand but, and there is always a but, it means his family who know about me and have met me have to keep the secret which I feel isn't good for them.

Judith

[RogK]

Difficult one, Judith! I would be 'cautiously welcoming' I expect. Very wary, scared and apprehensive. I would make sure my adoptive parents knew at all times what was going on and would refuse to see my birth mother if they were upset (although they might well pretend that they weren't). Having said all that, I actually can't tell you. The reality would be extraordinary, and it's all very well sitting here and imagining. In the end, I honestly don't know whether I would welcome her with open arms or run a mile. I shall ponder more on this...

[rampart]

Oh my... Judith, I would think your son does need to talk to the adoptive parents. They will be just devastated if they learn another way. Perhaps you can help him choose his words. The longer it goes, the more painful it could become.

Again, I am not in that situation, but I cannot help but think that if I were, I would know that one day my son might come to my wife and me and tell us that he wants to meet his birth mother or had already met her. So I think on my side, I would have considered that over the years, but would still be a bit shocked when the day finally came. I would then be worried if he would want me to meet with the birth mother or not, and probably would have many more questions.

Good luck to you....

[Judith 1]

Thank you RogK for your reply as you will realize by my other comments I have found my son but he hasn't told his 'parents' about me. I think his mother would probably say all the right things but would fret inwardly.

Hope this conversation hasn't disturbed you at all.

Rampart thanks for your response. I am inclined to agree with you that his 'parents' should be informed but I feel I can't bring the subject up with him as I don't want him to feel I'm putting him under any pressure. I personally am ok because I have the contact I want, it's just his family having to keep the secret that concerns me. There were enough secrets over his birth etc.! without creating anymore.

Thanks for the Good Luck!

[Judith 1]

Hi IAP

Thankyou for your story and for your understanding. My son and I have, in the circumstances, a good relationship which is growing slowly. We are in regular contact and we have time together. He has met my family (his blood relations) and we are getting to know each other slowly. It's been quite interesting to find out the things we have in common and the things we don't! And I love him very much. I realize it must be difficult for him having to sort his feelings out and we do talk about these things sometimes. But mostly we try to do ordinary things when we meet which I think we both enjoy. I really dont try to mother (smother) him in fact I think he knows me well enough now to tell me off if  did!!

Thanks again

[mullein2]

my birth mother was not a tyrant..she was quiet..and allways lived with my grandmother who had passed away about 4 years before i met her..the thing is my grandmother had some very bossy sisters younger than her and they were the head of the family..and controlled everyone..especially my birth mother who wouldnt say boo to anyone..i knew i was adopted from about 8 as my adopted parents were older than everyone elses parents and looked nothing like me..so i went on a house hunt i didnt know what i was looking for but i found it my adoption papers..so world war three erupted that night as i can explode..my adopted parents were also well off..she was actually a physiotherapist and was the most evil woman that ever lived she used to be horridble to my adopted dad also...if it was in this era it would have ended in divorce..but in those days you made your bed and that was that..it hurt my adopted dads sister when i found my real family..and she was a factor in me telling them to get lost..also my own daughter didnt like me finding relations..why i dont know..but she wasnt happy with it..i havnt got any brothers or sisters just me..myself and i...i think your son must have his own reasons for not saying anything and its up to him to make the decision to tell his adopted parents or not..by pushing it you could open up a situation you dont want to be in..i would just leave it..why should they know and be hurt..if he is carefull they wont find out..some people cant deal with it...my adopted dad died first and the evil one said i couldnt go in a funeral car as i was only adopted so i didnt go at all even though cousins etc were trying to make me..but i just ignored them..then old evil one was alone and lonely and kept phoning so we changed the number..then she phoned my husbands work to try to contact us..but i can be as hard as nails so i just let her stay lonely..i didnt owe her anything..in fact i hope its hot where she is now..

[Judith 1]

Thankyou Mullein 2 for your reply. I am sorry I misunderstood a bit. Thanks also for your advice. It's strange some people say dont tell and some say do. Like you say he must have his reasons and I must abide by them. He knows her better than me. One thing I have found out and that is that every adoption story is different, whether it's the birth mother's or the adoptee's.Some really sad and some happy outcomes. I just consider myself lucky with what I have and at least I know he is ok and has family etc.I dont expect any more than he is prepared to give.

Thanks again and all the best.

[mullein2]

judith...perhaps your son knows his adopted family and how they will react ..it could also lead to sickness and stress..its up to himself its his problem if you push you may push him away..i was surprised that my adopted dads sister was against me finding my real relations as she was really easy going..as a person..and she reacted bad to my finding them..i am like her in my ways probably because i spent a lot of my childhood with her..you have done nothing wrong..and you will have to accept the situation as it is..you are lucky its worked out so well so far so why make problems...you have had me grumbling all day about old evil one..even my husband has been reminding me of how bad she was...i would have liked a photo of me when i was young but when they died i didnt do anything i just let the relations deal with it and pick their house like a pack of vultures..old evil one had an old evil mother also that hated me she used to buy her real grandchildren things and ignore me..even if it was an ice cream..the feelings were totally mutual..i used to be rude to her and fight her grandchildren when we were playing as i was a tom boy type..i ran away from home once when i was about 10 and i had gone a week before old evil one did anything about it..i camped out in a farmers barn..she didnt give a dam...she used to fill my head with horror storys about my real mum none of them were true..it would have been nice if my story had worked out..but i guess i have allways had to look after myself so seing these real relations didnt mean a great deal..they were like the mafia also they treated me like i had allways been their and its claustraphobic..

[Judith 1]

Mullein 2 Hello again.What a time you've had. I really feel for you. I expect your experiences have helped you lead the sort of llife with your family that you would have wished for yourself. My story began in 1960 when it was a real sin to have a child outside marriage and you brought shame on your family which is what I was made to feel. I have been mad with myself ever since because I didn't have the strength to stand up to my parents and say I wasn't going to give my baby up so had to go away to have him. So all my life I felt there was this 'unfinished' feeling but now it's all coming together.

[mullein2]

i was born in 1956 and it was my grandmother that handed me over for adoption..and my real mother then had a nervous breakdown..as she was really timid..and my grandmother apparently very strong and singular..its funny really as i am similar to the grandmother..also in shape..as i saw a photo of her..my real grandmother used to be happy in her own company and also apparently she had a great love of animals she used to own ferretts and when she went out she wore them round her neck like a collar..i am like that also..apparently after i was born she was even more overpowering and when she died and my mother would have been about 50 then she was unable to even make her own dinner as my gran never let her do anything..i told you they were bossy..then thats when the ugly grandmothers sisters stepped in and took over..so i guess in some ways you are lucky and as i said your son has found you and is handling the situation.perhaps he doesnt want to tell his adopted parents why cause someone suffering..i would never have said in a million years it would have bothered my adopted aunty but it did you dont know how it will affect people..i am so detatched that i could just look at them all and walk away..and not care at all..when i see my grandchildren i am happy that they have a nice home want for nothing and dont get smacked..as my grandson is very much like me he is a handfull,,also he is strong minded and demanding..i am moving nearer to them in 29 months i cant wait..as i only see them once a month..but get to talk daily..so its a strain..i try to make things nice for them the next thing on my agenda is a halloween party..and i make a lot of effort with little things..its lovely that your son has come back and you can see he came to no harm..it must be really hard to give a child up i couldnt do it..now it doesnt matter as hardly anyone is married..my daughter hasnt married she just lives with her partner..its her choice..

[mullein2]

judith...all though you are adopted you never really belong..in some ways its strange..all the relations look like each other and you are allways odd..thats the first thing i noticed as i was inquisitive..my adopted parents were about 36 when they got me ..more like grandparents ..and it was facial features they were different they both had long noses..evil one had black hair and dad had ginger and blue eyes ..so they did match me up colouring wise..but all the cousins and that all looked like them...my adopted aunt the one i owe everything to told me old evil one had a back street abortion and it prevented her from having kids..so perhaps that turned her mind...she only wanted a kid because everyone else had one..as soon as i was adopted she went back to work..she allways worked and went to night classes to improve herself..she wanted a clean tidy dainty child..she used to dress me really posh and i would come in covered in mud and ripped to shreds as i am like that...i must have tipped her over the edge..i really wish you well with your son and its no good anyone on here saying he should tell his adopted parents its his decision..and everyone should respect that..and be thankfull he has had a good life..

[Judith 1]

Mullein 2. Thanks for all your posts. Its good for me to get the other point of view and it helps me understand the feelings of adoptees better. And I hope our chat has helped you see the otherside too.While I dont have any bad feelings towards my sons adoptive parents I do have a rather possessive feeling like 'he's mine and nobody can take that fact away'. They are nice people and have done a good job bringing him up  but he has things inherited from me which we both have noticed that aren't in them if you see what I mean and I am pleased with that.

[L4dybird]

Hi there Judith

My twin sister and myself were adopted almost 42 years ago when our adoptive parents were 35 and we were always told that we were adopted, it was never hidden so no explosions! In fact it was always made out that we were special - other Mummy's and Daddy's got what they were given, we were chosen!

Mum said that she would tell us everything when we were 21, but as the day drew to a close my impetious sister decided that as Mum and Dad hadn't told us everything then she would search herself.

She did find our birth mother and we have met her on quite a few occasions, the first time (OK second time!) I met her it felt as if I had known her all my life. We don't have a Mum/Daughter relationship but we are quite close in a lot of ways.

She lives out of the UK so visiting is difficult, and I say this for the simple reason that my parents are very against us knowing her..... "if we'd known the law would change so you could trace 'her', we wouldn't have adopted" etc.

This attitude leaves me feeling very mixed up, torn apart and deceitful. Why tell us all about being adopted if they didn't have any intention of letting us meet her one day?

When I visit or meet her, it is in secret as they just wouldn't cope with the truth. They are very angry when the subject is broached. My sister shoves it down their throats and wanted to ask her to her wedding 3 years ago - fireworks!!! (no, she didn't come).

I can't stand this deceit, and we have a 7 year old son who his 'Granny' would dearly love to meet. But how can we tell our 7 year old to lie to his Granny and Grandad? we can't.

See next post!

[L4dybird]

...... and more waffle!!!  Not only do I find the whole scenario difficult but my husband is also adopted and he is meeting his mother next Tuesday for the first (second!!) time. His parents are all for him meeting her. Unfortunately we have made the decision to keep the meeting quiet from our son & my parents as old wounds would open.

So 2 very different outcomes & 2 separate viewpoints.

I sympathise with your predicament as my birth mother is in the same boat as you with your son. I also think that it is unfair that his family are under pressure to keep the secret, but then that is his choice and I am sure he made it for the right reasons.

One day I hope my parents will be able to meet our birth mother, she only wants to say thank you for taking us on, bringing us up, loving us & not to steal us away. Is that too much to ask? It is for them. Mum always states that she can't understand any women giving away a baby in any circumstances & that she can't feel any sympathy towards ***** for doing so, especially with two! But how silly, if she hadn't then M&D wouldn't have had children. (Actually M&D were asked if they would like to adopt twin boys 3 months younger than us, as twins were hard to place - now wouldn't that have been fun at school!?)

Stick with it, the time will be right one day, that is what I am waiting for. Afterall, children do bring out very strong emotions in people; some for the good, some irrational and some damaging.

Good Luck in your life.

By the way, we have had a great life, kind loving parents & then find a glamorous, wealthy woman is our real mum. Looking at strangers in a photo album & realising they are your flesh and blood is a very strange experience, however the pieces always fitted together in my jigsaw & I was lucky enough to be accepted & wanted for me. I always felt 'right'.