Bad dad or no dad?

[suzi-q]

My 2 boys were disowned by their dad when we divorced 3 years ago. He was totally foul to them and really abusive and caused many problems.

My new husband & I have since had full responsibility for the boys and provided their home and support. (Ex has paid maintenance - a set figure each month). He has had no contact with them even though he lives in the same town.

Recently the younger boy (16) went round to his dads off his own bat and was welcomed like the prodigal son. He is now spending quite a bit of time there and this week is staying there and being taken out and about to theme parks etc. (Things we cant afford).

The older boy (18) though wary also met his dad at the weekend and spent an afternoon watching football with him at his house.

I dont agree with some of the things that go on, i.e. the 16 yr old is allowed to smoke there which I hate but my feeling is that if this heals some of the pain that was inflicted on the boys by their dad and if he really has settled down and treats them right then it must be all good.

Also because of the abuse and spite that was aimed at us we are very wary of any information (even our surname) being given to my ex because in the past he was so vicious. So I have asked the boys not to discuss our home or life with him.

Anybody been in a similar situation and how did you handle it?

I just want the boys to be happy and its a bit like King Solomons baby isnt it. I dont want to make it difficult for them to see their dad who is in fact moving abroad in the next few months. I hope this will help them get over the trauma they were put through.

By the way Ive always resisted the temptation to tell the boys of all the crap he put me through. So they dont know that much of what went on - only what they saw and heard.

[China Doll]

I think you're doing the right thing Suzi and would just say to keep it up.

My parents divorced when I was 12 and my relationship with my father was damaged by the fact that I didn't see him for a long time (nothing to do with anything my mother did). When he did come back in to my life my mother left it for us to establish a relationship with him without ever really rubbishing him or anything like that and this has worked out very well.

I know what my father was like in the past and I know what he's like now, people do change and you're doing exactly the right thing letting the boys figure it out for themselves, (in my opinion). Keep the ground rules about the information regarding your home life but other than that, carry on the good work. Good luck to you xx