confused

[218]

I had a wonderful marriage to a very nice guy for 8 years. I knew my husband for 5 years before we married. The only problem with him was he was extremely possesive and jealous.  He was physically and emotionally abusive towards me for trivial reasons like visiting my parents or spending time with my family and friends. Six months ago I had enough of his abusive behavious and I walked out after he had assualted me.  BUT a about month before I walked out on him I started an affair with a married guy whom was a friend of mine. i dont feel the same 4 my husband but really luv the other guy. wat do i do. if sum1 has been in a similar situation please reply.

[Hgrove]

It does not sound like it was wonderful to me...  I think he has dented your self esteem with his controlling, abusive behaviour.  That may be linked to your having an affair with a married man.  A married man cannot be emotionally available to you.  You have gone from one type of emotional abuse to another:  someone who cannot give you real love/companionship because his family comes first.  I wonder if you could try and convince your GP to refer you for some kind of therapy?  In my experience GPs are extremely reluctant to help people with emotional problems so you must be prepared to be fobbed off, then go back months later and politely explain you need help... They just hope you'll go away but eventually you should be able to chip away at their resistance as long as you remain calm and polite.

[jno]

My guess is that what you feel for your lover is partly relief that he's not your husband. You might need to back off from him for a while as well and just give yourself some time to chill out and get used to being your own boss.

Incidentally, you might like to consider how your lover's wife might feel about all this - would she feel as betrayed by her husband as you feel by yours? Are you subconsciously trying to 'share your pain'?

[Sasha13]

I can answer this speaking from a similar experience. I was with my ex for five years and although he never hit me (and tried to make me feel lucky for that fact) he was emotionally abusive, constantly belittling (sp?) me in front of friends and colleagues and a whole host of other unpleasant stuff that I'm not going to go into detail about. I knew in my heart of hearts that our relationship was not going to last much longer but I simply didn't have the strength to leave him as I thought that being with someone (no matter how wrong) was better than being alone. In the end I fell for someone else (I'll call him Tom) which made finishing my five year relationship easier as I wasn't going to be on my own.  Although "Tom" wasn't married he wasn't emotionally available to me (although I didn't realise that at the time). The relationship with "Tom", naturally, didn't work out. But what it did do was give me the strength to leave my abusive boyfriend for which I am thankful. It made me realise that I wasn't neccesarily going to be on my own for the rest of my life and that other people could find me attractive. What you have to do is simple. Realise that you are vunerable and that this married guy you have fallen for is not available to you - he never can be unless he decides independently of you that his marriage is over. This married man could cause you heartache if you allow your relationship to continue while he is still married - you have done the hard part and ended a long relationship with your husband. Now be strong, take the final step and finish your affair too - being alone isn't all that bad, although it does take a little while to realise it!! Good luck xx

[Englishbird]

Have nothing to add to Sasha13's excellent answer.