My Husband Has Just Told Me Our Marriage Is Over!

[Traci66]

He is a recovering alcoholic and also being treated for depression. (All details of the following can be seen in previous posts). Over the past two months we have got two new granddaughters, his son, father of one of them has been in and out of prison. Tomorrow my grandson is supposed to be coming to stay with us for a week, (two weeks ago I had to report his mother, my daughter, for abusing drugs) my daughter was planning on coming to our house to drop off said grandson with her boyfriend. On being told this husband went ballistic and said he didn't want her anywhere near, she wouldn't be allowed in.

In the past we have had to call police several times to remove his son from our premises, for being violent, (he has thrown horseshoes etc at OH and threatened to knife me) but still I make an effort to welcome him no matter what he's done. When daughter said she was dropping grandson off with her boyfriend OH said no way would she be allowed in. This really got my back up considering all the effort I make with his children (though I really love his daughter to bits).

My OH has seemed really down for the last couple of weeks but has refused to see his doctor, I am really now at the end of my tether and wondering wether I should just take off (but at the same time terrified that he will make another suicide attempt that this time will be successful) or just carry on trying to talk to him, he's refusing to listen to me, (I would only go to his daughter, which seems unfair as she only gave birth just over three weeks ago) or just try some more to talk with him.

What do you think?

[mier]

He has no medication for his depression if he has not consulted his Dr then?

[murraymints]

Could someone you are both close to stay over a few days while you go to daughters...or would he go to daughter for a few days ? Still give you both space and he'd have someone watching over things....could you ask daughter to suggest it ? He may be more willing if he thinks it's coming from her !

[Traci66]

Meir, he 'takes' Citalopram for depression, he's also on a lot of pain killing meds, tramadol, gabapentin, codeine, all due to alcoholic neuropathy.

[mier]

He must see his Dr occasionally then for repeat drug purposes. I would make an appointment to see the Dr and advise him of developments hoping he would call your husband in for a consultation.

[Traci66]

Mier, his doctor is also my GP and so she won't see me, conflict of interests or something like that.

[flump1]

Traci, I send you a hug (( )) , would it not be possible for your husband to stay for a few nights with his daughter? Or would the baby and her dad be too much for her to handle? You both need space right now xxx

[Maydup]

But if she's your GP she has to see you Traci. Just make an appointment and tell her you're the end of your tether.

[mier]

Even so, Traci, the situation must be causing you problems so I would still tell her. What she then does (or can't do) is up to her and the rules she is obliged to follow. But I really don't think you should continue to carry the brunt of this very heavy burden by yourself. I wish you all the best and hope that things can work out for you all.

[maggiebee]

It sounds as if you are really struggling here, but what do you want? Have you talked to any organisation like Alanon or Relate to get some advice and support? From what you have written it seems you are trying to bend over backwards to support everyone else and forgetting about yourself. Maybe time to be a little bit selfish?

[Connemmara]

I wish you well whatever you do - it is your life - Connemmara xxxx

[Traci66]

Maggie, I find it so difficult to think about me, there's all these other people to take into consideration, son's, daughters, grandchildren.

[237SJ]

Personally (for what it`s worth) I think he has no intention of leaving you. He is being manipulative because he is a) an alcoholic which is a symptom of depression or b) he is depressed because he is an alcoholic. If you can`t get him to help himself, have you thought of contacting Al-Anon? You might get some support and advice from them.

[maggiebee]

I think I understand what you mean Traci, but along with sons, daughters, grandchildren and husband there's also you. You sound like a very patient, caring person but you can't let yourself be ground down. Best wishes whatever you decide to do, but please try to get some support.

[Traci66]

Maggie and 237, I hate talking, it's so much easier to write it down.

[AlwaysConfused]

I'm going for a politicians answer - follow your heart. Even in a few paragraphs, it is not possible to give enough detail about the entire situation or your relationship. I've tried to give advice to friends before, and rightly or wrongly, most of it is ignored as heart seems to win over head. Stay and sort it, or move off for a fresh start? Do what you feel is right.

[Hypognosis]

Check the information leaflets for his medication and see if any of them say "do not combine with alcohol".

Find out if he is secretly still drinking.

It is harmful to suddenly cut off either the alcohol or the medication. Seek medical advice how to do this properly.

I am dismayed to see some respondents portay clinical depression as 'being manipulative' or that you should be selfish and walk away. Depressed people DO turn temporary molehills into insurmountable mountains and can easily opt to take the easy way out while not fully rational. Driving someone to suicide, if provable, would be a serious offence.

I suspect he's completely dependent on you. Sleep on it, then talk through exactly how he plans to get by without you. The more he thinks, the more he'll realise it's a bad idea.

If you do decide to walk away, at least get him emotionally stable and on the way to drying out first.

[pizza]

Sorry Traci but if he isn't willing to help himself by going to the Doctors how can you help him anymore??
If it was me I would be looking for a trial separation with a view to permanent if things don't get any better.
In my mind there is a lot of family baggage from both sides and I think you both need some time out to concentrate on yourselves.
I am with gness on this you have a life to live, and he is making his own choices.
I hope you take some time away on your own to think things through clearly.