A woman walked into a department store looking for some Christmas lights. The assistant showed her their top brand. The woman wanted to make sure each bulb worked. So she asked him to take them out of...
To All Employees From Management Subject Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal...
The police dispatcher picks up the phone and writes down the call for help. "Please send someone urgently, a cat has broken in!" The police dispatcher responded, "Sir, I don't think I heard you...
I went to a posh restaurant last night. The food was really good but there was some left over. I asked the waiter if I could have a doggy bag. He agreed and took everything away. A little while later...
Every time I use my phone my ear gets wet. I think it’s been tapped. I was meant to catch up with an old Kenyan friend today. But even at sixty, he was still too fast. I shouted abuse at some cows...
Last night my friend complained he was addicted to weight training. I told him to stay strong. I was trying to figure out what number multiplied by itself equalled 64, but I couldn’t get to the root...
I have just opened an off licence. Technically, it is breaking and entering but I needed a drink. A pretty woman at the job centre said she’d like to offer me a tug job. So I dropped my pants there...
My partner and I were arguing over who got to eat the last gherkin, what a pickle. I was on the net earlier. I now have a life ban from my local Tennis Club. I went to the opticians today. It was a...
I have got myself a flash motor. A police speed camera van. To maintain my standards I spend at least two hours a day working out. I am not in good shape or anything, I am just really bad at maths. I...
I like this story, well done Royal mail.
https://news.sky.com/story/royal-mail-avoids-galactic-objects-to-deliver-boys-card-to-dad-in-heaven-11566683...
I almost won the final of the “Don’t take off your blindfold” Olympics, but I peaked too soon. I was going to tell a joke about a silver nugget, a lump of iron and piece of coal walking into a...
Have just found out that the former news reader Richard Baker has died.
I always thought he read the news very well.
RIP Richard.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-46246049...
My friend and I had a heated argument with some random blokes about which console was the most entertaining. Wii won in the end. I have finally found out how to drive around corners. It has been a...
I bought my dog a new ‘anti-ageing’ dog lead. He’s got a new leash of life. My doctor told me I have got Puzzle Disease. Apparently I’m riddled with it. I just made an apple and blackberry...
I got absolutely hammered and spent two hours flying a helicopter last night. Then I ran out of 50p’s I used to work as a mathematical lumberjack. My timing was out though, I used the wrong...
