Son behaviour

[miffy63]

My relationship with my son feels like it is on a downward spiral. He still lives at home (he's 20yrs) and although I rarely see him I've always felt we had a good mother/son relationship.

I was a single parent so it's always been just him and me. I'm not completely stupid, I know that he doesn't have to tell me everything and doesn't have to tell me where he's going or where he's been, he's an adult and I totally respect that.

However, I recently found out, accidently from a third party, that he's left his job and although he's looking for another one he's clearly broke as he asked me for train fare this morning. He doesn't know I know he's left his job and I feel angry and upset that he didn't tell me.
Apparently this all happened a week ago so he's time to 'spill the beans' . He's also started to speak to me in an exasperated manner like i'm stupid, and is constantly saying he's told me things when he hasn't. I feel quite fed up, not to mention confused.

Is puberty coming 5yrs late or something, he was always so easy to talk to - and NO it isn't drugs I know the signs.

[fairkatrina]

He's probably feeling that he's let you down by leaving his job. As you're a single parent no doubt he feels that he's the "man of the house" and that he has an obligation to look after you as best he can, which includes financially. He also probably has you on a bit of a pedestal (most young men still idolise their mothers from my experience) and he won't want you to see him as a failure (which may be how he sees it if he can't find another job). He also probably feels that he's too old to go crying to his mum, and that he should sort it out himself. Try dropping (subtle!) hints about his job (you haven't seemed happy there lately etc) and let him know that you will always support him and his decisions. Try and find out why he has left (if he will open up to you) as people rarely walk out for no reason; see if he just didn't like the job or if he was being bullied etc. It is possible he's a bit depressed, which will make him snappier, but have patience and remind him that a problem shared is a problem halved. Good luck!

[miffy63]

Thank you Fairkatrina what you said is probably the case. I'll take a step back and talk to him tonight, thanks.

[Tiny E. A]

I walked out of a job that I was very, very unhappy in and didn't tell my mum for a couple of weeks. I didn't live with her so it's a little different but don't take it personally. I didn't want my mum to be worried about me and it's probably the same with your son. I also felt I had to get my head around everything myself before I could discuss it reasonably with anyone. I was also very angry about the whole thing and so lashed out at people unreasonably. When I did tell my mum I told her I'd only left two days ago again so she wasn't worried.

I sure it will all get sorted out and in the long term he'll be fine!

[wizard69]

Nothing like losing your job to put a dent in a mans self esteem and I also didnt tell my parents when I lost a job (after I had left home). I know that being a single parent aint easy (Im a single father to a 10 yr old) and I dont exactly relish the prospect of my son growing into a teenager and then an adult because if he takes after me then hes going to be hard work.
fairkatrina seems to be on the right track...get him to talk (always easier said than done, I know).
I often wished that my own parents (as loving as they were)
had talked to me more about my feelings and understood problems from my perspective.

[behappy87]

He's probably annoyed and ashamed at losing his job. I still live at home with my parents, and I get frustrated sometimes - I feel that the rest of the world is moving on without me - that could be what he's feeling, which has been amplified by the fact that he doesn't have a job anymore. He probably doesn't want to tell you because he doesn't want you to think bad of him. Maybe he's hoping that he'll get a new job soon and that it won't really be much of a deal in your eyes. He sounds quite stressed, which may be why he's lashing out at you.

[Mammar]

The others have said what I would have said.
He'll probably be so relieved it's all out in the open and he doesn't have to hide the truth from you anymore.
Give him plenty of reassurance and there's every chance the lad you know and love will be back.
All the best x x