I feel so very let down by my husband

[BrokenWife]

Let me explain. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4. The whole way through our relationship we have talked about starting a family and have even gone as far as choosing names and worked out who would stop working to look after the family etc.

He has a son from a previous relationship who we see at weekend and I am very much a part of my step-sons life. I am from a large family and have lots of nieces and nephews and we have watched them grow up together and always talk about when it will be our time. Now out of the blue he has decided that kids are not for him and he doesn’t want to have children – ever, not just now. To the point where he has said to me he will look into a vasectomy. I am utterly devastated.

I feel like one of the fundamental parts of our relationship has just been destroyed in a heartbeat. He has had a tough life and has had to overcome a lot of things to be in the place he is now, he tells me he is the happiest he has ever been and our marriage has made him the person he is now. We have spoken at length and he says that he just can not bring a child into this life. I feel broken, and everytime I think about not being able to have a child of my own I fall apart.

I would normally open up to my sisters but I don’t wish to open up to them yet so I am calling upon you, my answerbank friends to give me your opinions.

I am a regular poster but due to the personal nature of this I have opened another account, please forgive me for appearing as a newbie!!

[ummmm]

Or watched Supernanny...

[Rapunzel61]

I think you've approached this calmly, and I think your hubby has 'got away' with changing his mind - this is totally unfair. It's fine for him to say he's the happiest he's ever been but, now you aren't, so that's not okay, also you went into the marriage thinking you would one day have children. He's had his family, you want one of your own. Tell him if he's not happy with the idea, then you're going to find somebody who does want a family. If you stay you'll get eaten up with resentment.

[netibiza]

Maybe he always felt like this, but didn't want to say so, but now is getting worried about it. I personally think it's a let down but you have to decide.

[LoftyLottie]

"Tell him if he's not happy with the idea, then you're going to find somebody who does want a family"

With respect Rapunzel, if someone told me this it would make me think that they had only married me because they wanted a family which might make me get up and go, however much I loved them.

[joko]

could it just be a reaction to something... could he change his mind again soon?

i would tell him that you intend to have a child as planned, with or without him...and if its with him, then you will seek a donor if necessary...

the shock of your words may hit home and make him realise that hes being unfair...and its not for him to decide

[LoftyLottie]

I think it's a no win situation. Either you stay with him and be unhappy about not having children or you leave him and are unhappy because you have lost the man you love so much. It really boils down to working out what you want most - children or your husband.

Seems hard though and I do sympathise with you.

[LoftyLottie]

This is a serious thread Tambo and not chatterbank.

[BrokenWife]

I do appreciate everyone taking the time to answer this.

When i married my husband i made a commitment for life so i wont be ending our marriage over this, i just need to make peace with it in my own mind.

I dont want to resent him for life because of this.

Maybe i need to think of all the positive things about how our life would be without children.

[DTCwordfan]

that's a bit harsh on Tambo, LL, as that is one of the options.

I go back to getting off-site and having a weekend to mull this over and see if you can get to the bottom of it - and why he really is anti-babies, is it a financial thing, something in his childhood, security thing, confidence, whatever? And therefore you may, may find a way forward - together.

[Mamyalynne]

I agree with Ummmm's previous comment, he is more than likely overthinking how a new baby would change your lives and is only seeing the negatives. In the first instance I would beg him (yes beg him) to delay any plans to have the vasectomy, also do not continually bring up the subject and if you are young enough to put things on hold, then continue in your loving marriage and he may relax and think differently.

You have already said you would put him above a child, so do try to be calm and stay with the man you love.

Take care. ♥

[tamborine]

That's my serious answer LL. Marriage is about children imo.

[LoftyLottie]

But obviously not a serious option DT for Broken Wife.

Not a serious option for anyone who values their other half.

[LoftyLottie]

So one-night stands are OK then Tambo? Stay in a marriage and have your children by one night stands. Very serious option!!

[cazzz1975]

thats a very selfish option tambo, would you be happy if her eventual pregnancy caused the relationship to split up and he be mistakenly hounded for child support?

he should have a say in whether he wants children or not.

[jno]

very sorry to hear about this. I don't think there's any call to make this confrontational or say it's all someone's fault. People do change their minds, even on fundamental matters like this. It's probably worth talking it through with him in detail and finding out what his real objection is ("can not bring a child into this life" doesn't quite do it for me; *why* can't he?).

Good luck.

[LoftyLottie]

Agree totally with Mamyalynne

[DTCwordfan]

True, an option though even one discounts it straight up - but unnecessary to report that, whoever did.

Are there any other worrying thoughts/actions on your OH's part, BW, that could point to something more than this (important) issue?

[cazzz1975]

maybe the preceding years where you have planned this child have become too much, instead of enjoying being a couple its almost like you have just been waiting to be a mother since you got together.

my advice would be to drop the subject altogether and focus on your relationship as a couple, maybe heis just feeling under too much pressure

[DTCwordfan]

I agree with mamya on the Big V as there is no guarantee of a re-hook up if he went that route.....