I feel so very let down by my husband

[BrokenWife]

Let me explain. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4. The whole way through our relationship we have talked about starting a family and have even gone as far as choosing names and worked out who would stop working to look after the family etc.

He has a son from a previous relationship who we see at weekend and I am very much a part of my step-sons life. I am from a large family and have lots of nieces and nephews and we have watched them grow up together and always talk about when it will be our time. Now out of the blue he has decided that kids are not for him and he doesn’t want to have children – ever, not just now. To the point where he has said to me he will look into a vasectomy. I am utterly devastated.

I feel like one of the fundamental parts of our relationship has just been destroyed in a heartbeat. He has had a tough life and has had to overcome a lot of things to be in the place he is now, he tells me he is the happiest he has ever been and our marriage has made him the person he is now. We have spoken at length and he says that he just can not bring a child into this life. I feel broken, and everytime I think about not being able to have a child of my own I fall apart.

I would normally open up to my sisters but I don’t wish to open up to them yet so I am calling upon you, my answerbank friends to give me your opinions.

I am a regular poster but due to the personal nature of this I have opened another account, please forgive me for appearing as a newbie!!

[LoftyLottie]

Oh dear. Sorry. You weren't there when I put my answer in.

[tamborine]

I was 43 for my last child. Maturity gives some mothers more patience & understanding.

[LoftyLottie]

I lost one at 29 Neti. It wasn't a planned pregnancy and I felt guilty that I never got upset about miscarrying and never worried about having any more. It was Mr LL who wanted a child more than I did, although neither of us wanted them initially.

[LoftyLottie]

I certainly coped well with a child at 36. I was more patient and understanding than I was in my twenties and much more ready to settle down and be a responsible Mum. It's a huge commitment and I took it seriously. I have never regretted it.

I still had plenty of energy too and never looked any older than any of the young mums, which helped!!

[karenmac60]

After our daughter was born my ex was adamant that there would be no more - he claimed he couldn't possibly share his love for her with another child, as if there is some sort of limit to how much love you can feel. He never changed his mind on this and his partner now has had to accept the fact that she will never have children with him. Could it be that he fears for his relationship with his son if he has more children?

[BrokenWife]

i sincerely thank you all for helping me talk through this.

[LoftyLottie]

Good luck xxxx

[Rapunzel61]

You say you don't want to end your relationship over this, so you've either got to put up and shut up and be unhappy, because trust me you WILL resent him, you will eventually feel robbed. Ive seen this happen three times, once in my family, and twice to friends. Something has happened for your husband to have changed his mind - you've got to find out what.

[trevsharp]

It does sound like his change of heart has come from some outside experience or situation as it sounds like he has changed his mind quite radically. To contemplate a vasectomy is a big deal and even people who want one generally take a long time to do it.

Is there any situation that is worrying him? Perhaps seemingly unrelated. Could there be money worries?

[BrokenWife]

we are in the best financial situation we have ever been in and have substantial savings so i know its not a money issue. As i said previously he has had it difficult in the past and i wouldnt want to go into it on here but he is in a good place at the moment and now thinking about it im wondering that because he is in the good place he maybe doesnt want to do anything to jeapordise that. who knows!

[LoftyLottie]

Well, in my opinion, having kids is a huge step to face and so it should be - not something you should do, as many do, without thinking long and hard about it. It has probably become a huge issue to him, especially as you are so keen. I still think you should let the subject rest now for a while. It's no good talking about it any more at present. Leave it for the time being and concentrate on enjoying yourself with him - wait a while and then when you find the right time and when you are both relaxed, perhaps over a nice restaurant meal just ask him casually if he still feels the same about children, in a light hearted way.

[LoftyLottie]

............... and who knows, after a few vinos and a lovely evening the mood might be set for him to say "Yes, lets go and do right away"!!!! ;o)

[BrokenWife]

here's hoping Loftie! thanks guys :)

[Old_Geezer]

Wow 4 pages already I now see. How come I never see these things before puttting a response together ?

Well I'll post a response to the original post anyway, although I suspect it has already all been said.

One can understand you feeling of being let down. One can not force another to do something they have decided is not for them after all, but it is a tragedy to have been of a similar mind for so long only to find that circumstances have changed. I don't think anyone is to blame, it is just fate, the way things have gone: for there is nowhere in your post that implies your husband had been deceiving you for years, but more of the indication that it is a genuine recent change of heart.

Clearly the first stage is to discuss the needs of you both in the hope that he will relent at least for one child. But I am assuming you have exhausted that avenue. This is so is it ?

I guess this means you have a major life changing decision to make. Do you accept the new situation where you continue to share your lives together knowing that children will not be a part of your life. Or is it preferable to choose to end a relationship that is not going to give you what you want in life, and find another partner who will ?

And I know there are other options but I'd suggest not considering them. They are likely to cause more grief than the above choices.

[LDC134]

Hi BrokenWife, I have read all the answers on here and feel very sorry for you to be in such a difficult situation. However as someone in their early 40's without children and very happily married, I wanted to give you some positives to think on too : the best thing, for us, is the spontaneity (sp ?) of being able to do whatever we like, weekends away, takeaways, sudden trip to the pub / beach / stay with friends etc. The lie in's and breakfast in bed at the weekend are a nice bonus, but the best thing for us was taking big chunks of time from work and travelling the world together experiencing new things. I always said it was like maternity leave without the baby ! I see my friends with children, snapping at their partners and their children and not having much money and I don't feel envious. Of course, for some it's so much more than that but I just wanted you to see the nice parts of being just a couple. Good luck and enjoy your night away.

[Old_Geezer]

"get over it" ?!? Maybe I ought not comment on that, but surely few have such an aversion to children that they chose not to at least let their partner have their way for one child. It was not wise of him to hope to change. The more a problem is hidden in the hope it will go away the more difficult it is when it does apparent. Trying to please one's partner by ignoring problems is something I don't recommend.

I wonder if it is the thought of being the one responsible for funding the whole family that is worrying him. You could indicate you intend being a working mum as soon as feasible.

Whatever the outcome, I hope I can speak for all when I wish you can find an acceptable result for both of you.

[Carakeel]

My heart really goes out to you Brokenwife! Such a difficult place to be for you right now. I do feel while you both have every right to your individual feelings on this matter, he is asking you to make a sacrifice that goes against your nature and your instincts and one which, if you wait very much longer, will be an irreversible one for you. On the other hand, he says he has felt this way for a long time but needed to be sure. Then really he should not have been stringing you along , looking for baby names etc. What I would have a problem with is this dishonesty really, even if it was because he didn't want to hurt you at the time. Dropping this on you now, is a far bigger hurt than it would have been if he had just been honest about his doubts all along. I really wish I could give you a hug, because I think he has put you in the most dreadful position. I can understand where each of you is coming from, but not his handling of the situation. Perhaps your love is strong enough and you can live with making this very substantial sacrifice, without regrets. But living with the knowledge that his decision stopped you from having the baby you always wanted, will always be a major issue in your relationship and may well kill the love you feel for him now. Seeing all your nieces and nephews is never going to let this matter rest in your head.
No easy solution here. But perhaps if you make sure he knows what a huge sacrifice he is demanding, he may rethink? It is wonderful that he is happier than he has ever been. But where is your happiness? Do you not deserve to be able to say the same thing??? I think you do!!!

[BrokenWife]

Old Geezer he wouldnt be responsible for funding the whole family as it would be me going back to work and potentially him back part time. I earn substantially more (this is not a contentious issue, just pre-empting what will be said).

I agree that it cant be ignored as i know at somepoint it will just blow up.

I appreciate with LDC134 is saying and that is the sort of life we live just now, being able to go away for weekend, go out when we want etc, but i was always of the opinion that we were having this sort of life now as when the kids come along things would be different.

[BrokenWife]

thanks Carakeel - dishonest is exactly what i said to him last night and he said he was being quite the opposite, completely honest and upfront. I just cant get my head round it.

[Brinjal]

I wouldnt worry too much about being an older Mum. Girls these days tend to be older Mums. What I would worry about is not being a mum at all if that is what your really want. You need to think very seriously about the way forward. I was never one that wanted children but ended up having 3 which are the joy o my life. All grown up now. They certainly add a nee dimension to your life along with their own sets of problems as well. I am sorry your hubby feels that way but you must also consider how you would feel if you and your hubby split up somewhere down the line and you were too old for children. Husbands can come and go but children are forever.