I feel so very let down by my husband

[BrokenWife]

Let me explain. My husband and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4. The whole way through our relationship we have talked about starting a family and have even gone as far as choosing names and worked out who would stop working to look after the family etc.

He has a son from a previous relationship who we see at weekend and I am very much a part of my step-sons life. I am from a large family and have lots of nieces and nephews and we have watched them grow up together and always talk about when it will be our time. Now out of the blue he has decided that kids are not for him and he doesn’t want to have children – ever, not just now. To the point where he has said to me he will look into a vasectomy. I am utterly devastated.

I feel like one of the fundamental parts of our relationship has just been destroyed in a heartbeat. He has had a tough life and has had to overcome a lot of things to be in the place he is now, he tells me he is the happiest he has ever been and our marriage has made him the person he is now. We have spoken at length and he says that he just can not bring a child into this life. I feel broken, and everytime I think about not being able to have a child of my own I fall apart.

I would normally open up to my sisters but I don’t wish to open up to them yet so I am calling upon you, my answerbank friends to give me your opinions.

I am a regular poster but due to the personal nature of this I have opened another account, please forgive me for appearing as a newbie!!

[LoftyLottie]

Oh dear, do you think this is a phase he might be going through as this is a relatively new way of thinking for him. Has something happened recently to make him think like this?

[bednobs]

i was in the same position as you a few years ago. My husband didn't want children and i did. I had to decide whether to cut and run ; find somebody that did or to stay together. We stayed together.
Not that i would advocate this but when i did get pregnant (i didn't trick him - he shagged me as well!) he completely changed his mind which was heartbreaking as our daughter was then stillborn, and then on our second attempt our son was born early and died.
Now he is in the position of really wanting children but me feeling too jaded to try again

[DTCwordfan]

You have to convey these feelings to him......without too much emotion - though understandably there will be some

Take a weekend away and you can discuss this on neutral territory....focus on the positive things in your relationship first and then move in on the negatives, of which this is obviously one....

[grasscarp]

Really sorry to hear that you are so unhappy. If he is adamant, to the point he wants a vasectomy then there is probably no point in continuing with the marriage. You want children and will need to tell him that this is so important that you may have to part. He already has a child but you dont so in a way he is being selfish to not allow you to. If he really wants to stay married to you he will have to change, and if he doesnt then you will be able to find someone who does also want children.

[rowanwitch]

It would be a deal breaker for me...it must seem like a terrible betrayal but is their an underlying problem like depression making him feel like this...its the comment about not wanting to bring a child into 'this life' I guess if he is completely immovable you will have to decide if you can bear a life without children and later grandchildren.... if not then you may have to consider your options...but I would also be very wary if he suddenly agrees to go ahead with a family if he thinks he will lose you...relationship counselling might be helpful.

[LoftyLottie]

I actually agree with Helen, but if he has changed his mind then he might change it back again. I think really you should drop the subject for a while and don't try to talk about it with him and just get on enjoying your life as it is. Difficult I know.

[DTCwordfan]

or send him a letter if he is away on business, time to reflect on his part etc etc....

[redcrx]

what are his reasons though, he cant just say he doesnt want to bring a child into this life. What is concerning him? is it that he has only part time access to his son? does he worry that he could "lose" another child if a relationship broke down?

Its hard to offer any advice when only hearing one side.

As a regular, you may have heard me mention this before, but my marriage split came about partly because my husband couldnt decide if he really wanted children or not. 10 years on and Im in another relationship and have 2 children and am very happy. Im also still good friends with my ex who has sadly now started to occasionally wonder how life may have been.

Im also not sure if your husband can get a vasectomy without you being part of the consultation with the GP.

[grasscarp]

sorry to hear what happened to you Bednobs. I hope you have a brighter future.

[BrokenWife]

My husband means the world to me and i will absolutely choose him over the child i dont have, however at the moment the pain is raw. I asked him if there was anything that has happened to bring about this change in attitude and he admitted that deep down he always knew but he thought he would 'get over it' however he now realises he wont and he had to tell me.

[LoftyLottie]

Have decided that I shouldn't comment as I have never felt an overwhelming desire to have children, even though I now have a son aged 28 (I was 36 when I had him). I love him to bits!!

I don't think your husband is being selfish though in saying he now doesn't want them. As someone else has said it would not be right if he gave in to you. He may well feel differently when a child arrives, but there again he may not and it would sour your relationship.

[whiskeryron]

I agree with LoftyLottie for a man to suddenly out of the blue change his mind something has happened, I'm so sorry but my first instinct is that he has met someone else recently & doesn't want to commit, I do hope I am wrong about this but you must get to the bottom of it & find out the reason for his sudden change of heart.

Ron.

[LoftyLottie]

Your last posting wasn't there, Broken Wife, when I started mine. It seems as if he has just wanted to please you by discussing children, baby names, etc. In retrospect, he will be thinking that he should have let you know much earlier.

You obviously love each other very much and that, in my eyes, is the main thing. It would never be an option to me to leave someone I loved very much because there would be no children.

[LoftyLottie]

Whiskeyron may be right, I hope not for your sake. I think there would be other signs if there is someone else.

[BrokenWife]

Funnily enough that was my instinct loftie, however he assures me there is no one else and he cant imagine his life without me and he also said he doesnt want to share me with anyone wish makes me think of jealousy with a child but i dont really know :(

[BrokenWife]

sorry that should have said whiskeyron

[LoftyLottie]

Is he a very jealous person in general Broken Wife?

[BrokenWife]

before this i would have said no, but i honestly no longer know

[ummmm]

He's probably been thinking too deeply about it. I think if I'd sat down and really thought about having kids I wouldn't have any. Especially if I listened to other peoples horror stories.