I still love my ex-wife

[ConfusedMartian]

Have been divorced for a number of years now and have recently been assessing my life and what i have and haven't done. I have in the process done a lot of self reflection and coming to terms with who i actually am. From this i have come to realise that i am still in fact rather deeply in love with my ex wife. I should point out that i was not the best of husbands at the time and left her hurt and confused at the end of it. We have a child together so see her regularly and although i would want nothing more than to be a proper family together, i wouldn't want her to feel obligated for the "sake of the child". What i am asking is how could i approach this subject with her or find out how she may still feel about me whilst being respectful of the fact i have been a **** to her in the past.

[Prudie]

You could try movie style sweeping her into your arms with a romantic kiss rather than planning a long and difficul speech. The worst she could do is knock you back.

[mrs_overall]

I am not taking the p out of the question but we see it time and time again where an obviously established user comes on here as a newbie and this always makes me question their motives.

I'm sorry, but Suspicion is my middle name.

I'll go now

[Mamyalynne]

No Martian - not pages and pages, a simple page or card that says, you realise past mistakes made but would love a chance to regain and build on the good times you had together. Any further explaining can be done if she is open to try again.

[ConfusedMartian]

a fair point 237SJ and it is something i have also thought about, but alas it is not the case. my life is really good at the moment, i have a good new job and have lots of promise in other avenues of my life, i have sorted my life out, but i am still in love with my ex. it is not so that i can complete my life as such it is just the way that i feel, i want to be able to tell her this and to tell her about everything that led to me being the way i was, i am not necssarily asking for her forgiveness just want her the choice to understand from my perspective, however i have no idea how to approach the subject.

[boxtops]

I agree with 237 - and what about your ex, has she moved on, does she have a new relationship? You can't hanker about the old times, even if she's civil to you, if she doesn't want any part of it.

[cathfromsaron]

if you want my humble opinion, you should plan for things to change more gradually!

maybe go from days out 'as a family' and nights out 'just as old friends', and let her see you *have* changed!

[ummmm]

I agree with Cath...I'd take it really slowly. Start by inviting her out for the day with the child and play it by ear from that.

[mazie]

I'd start by telling her how you feel. Be honest...and from that point you can judge her reaction.. If you can tell strangers, you should at least be able to broach it with your ex. Good luck

[ladybirder]

If you haven't already, I would start by apologizing for all the hurt you have caused her in the past, tell her how you regret it and wish it had never happened. Her reaction will tell you if you should back off or take the next step. I would do it gradually, slowly opening up over several weeks; if you feel she is receptive then go for it.

[Canary42]

You say you had another relationship but now that's finished - your ex will undoubtedly think that this is what motivates you, not true love (I have my suspicions in this respect too).

So take it slowly and show by example how different you are - then after a year or two (yes, really that long) make a move if all's still well with your friendship.

[ConfusedMartian]

thank you all for your input, i am taking it gradually i wen t round for tea that our child had helped cook for us, and are planning to go out as a family next week. i don't want to overwhelm her with emotion at the "early" stages as such. my difficulty is knowing when to start that conversation and also to make it not sound like i am just saying things to try and get her back. as much as i would want to get back together my priority is giving her the option to hear the full story of what happened from my perspective and let her make her own mind on the matter. but like i said i dont want it to sound like i am begging for her forgiveness for it is not my place to ask for it. as for telling strangers, i can assure it has taken a while for me to get to this point, and rather than repeatedly writing it down on my own and mulling it over i wanted it to put it out to "hopefully" impartial judges, see if anyone has experienced similar and get a feel for the general concensus

[ConfusedMartian]

wise words canary, thank you. i am in full understanding of how long this may and probably will take. like i have said in previous posts it is more (for me) about giving her the opportunity to have an insight into what happened rather than me trying to crawl back. i can see how it may look from her perspective in respect to my previous relationship, and am trying to ensure it is not seen or perceived as some sort of rebound reaction. i have righted many things in my life, this is an unturned stone that needs to be turned, despite the ending i would prefer and desire for, it is not my prime objective.

[mrsmaveric]

if i had been treated so badly by someone in a relationship do you think i would go back for round 2??? whether i had a child with you or not,you might have changed [well you might THINK you have] thats YOUR OWN OPINION you might plead this,that and the other,id tell you to sling your hook...but thats just me...your ex might just fall for all your sweet talk but more fool for her if she does...a lepoard never changes its spots...

[nailit]

ConfusedMartian, I too split from my ex some years ago and it was ALL my fault that we did. I was still in love with her for years after and we had a child together. However, time moves on and she remarried and I eventually got together with the present mrs nailit. Today my ex and me are the best of friends and I get on great with her new husband. Also my present partner and my ex often talk to each other.
Time moves on and sometimes you got to move with it.
Its been my experience (from other relationships) that trying to rekindle old relationships end in disaste.
Move on and stay friends.

[ConfusedMartian]

mrsmaveric, as much as i appreciate you have your own opinions on these matters, i am however looking for constructive advice. if you just want to hurl insults and make judgements then please don't repost. i am not about to justify myself to you, you know nothing of what i have been through, what i have done and how i have righted many wrongs in my life. in future please abide by if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all, at least when in relation to my questions.

[mazie]

I wasn't sitting in judgement about the "telling strangers" comment at all.If you can tell us....I'm sure you can tell your ex....I have this big thing about being honest about our emotions... Anyway as I said early, Good luck, I hope it all works out for you x

[ConfusedMartian]

thank you nailit for a positive example from your own experiences, like i have said , i would most like the opportunity to present the information to her, the fact that there may or may not be a possibility of reinstating the relationship is at the moment a glimmer of a dream. what i do not want is for her always wondering about why it failed and if it was her fault, where in fact it was all mine. i want to be able to express to her how, what and why things happened and give her the chance to decide for herself what to do with that information. if i get as you have, a close friend from this then i am truly lucky, i can not however pretend that i would not wish for more, as that would just be untrue.

[ConfusedMartian]

thank you mazie, i find talking anonymously online a lot easier in relation to my emotional side, i have for a long been a wall of no emotion, opening up first to you guys gives me the stepping stone i need to then talk openly IRL

[boxtops]

That's something AB is very good for, martian - sometimes you might not like what people say, othertimes it's the best advice you'll ever get.

[ConfusedMartian]

that is what i am looking for boxtops, i am open to constructive thoughts and opinions, positive or negative just not outright rude or insulting as some of them have been. alas you could never have a forum full of nice people :) i am very grateful for the majority of posts on here though, plenty of food for thought.