My Teenager is drinking

[jolie3890]

Hi...I am new here and just wanted a little bit of feedback on what is going on with my daughter.  She is 14 and has been sneaking out and drinking with her friend and older boys.  I caught her this past weekend and have grounded her for 3 months, I know it seems a little extreme but as far as I can tell this has been going on for quite some time.  I have also taken her cell phone from her and have told her that she will not be going on her summer vacation if her grades dont come up or if she has a bad attitude.  She does not realize what could of happened to her, driving around with someone who is drunk and that while she was drunk anyone could have taken advantage of her.  She thinks since we live in a small town that stuff like that doesnt happen!  RIGHT!  So I think she needs plenty of time to think about her actions!

[andy hughes]

I can fully understand your shock and fear as a reaction, and the punishment you have given. Maybe after three weeks, sit your daughter down for a calm discussion about the danger she was putting herself in, in terms of rape, crashing, and so on. Stay calm, emphisie that you love her, and waht to keep her safe, but you are aware she is growing up, and you don't want to be over-protective. Explain that everything you do is based on loving her, even if it doesn't seem like that. Make sure she understands that lying to you, and sneaking out are as serious as the drinking and so on - if she can't behave like a young adult and be trusted, she'll get treated like a child. Then tell her that you'll meet her half way this time - the grounding has been reduced to one monthy - just a week to go - and she has got to prove she can be responsible, and trusted, or the three-month grounding comes back in, from zero! Hopefully this will combine a sense that you understand her better than she thinks - we were all fourteen once, and that she will hopefully understand you. I've got three girsl - just going through the teenage years with the youngest, so I sympethise, and believe me, girsl do rejoin the human reace - eventually!

[xxlizziexx]

ok i can see exactly where your coming from, im 14 year old girl so i can relate to how your daughter feels aswel. if that happened to me and all of them punishments happened to me then i would be extremly angry like most teens would be. 3 months is a bit to long to be honest, she will proberly end up getting on your nervs! hehe. i agree with your summer vacation thats seems really sensable thing to do to be honest. taking her cell phone away is to harsh if your going to ground her for 3 months to be honest. i can see you look after your child very well and are very protective, she will want to rebel, and she will find away out and then you would ground her again. think ahead, before she does something, she is going to want to get out isnt she and go and get drunk again just to anoy you, so how are you going to stop her? she will argu and try and be let out one time what are you going to say to her? im just saying that i think you should plan your responce before she asks you, and be let her off abit, your a bit to harsh. sorry its so long, hope it helps xxx

[jolie3890]

Thank you so much for your replies.. I do agree that 3 months is a little severe for her and have thought about letting her off earlier.  I know when i was 14 my parents were very strict on me and i did eveything they told me not to do, so i have gone the other way with my daughter and have given her a lot of freedom and she still acts out.  I just want to be able to trust her again and just can hope and pray that she will make wiser decisions if she is ever in the same situation again!  It is nice to hear from someone that is 14!  Thank you for your advice and also seeing her points of view I appreciate any input you may have.  And Andy Hughes your answer was a great help to me!  Thanks so much.

[andy hughes]

You are most welcome. One of the painful lessons I've learned as a parent, is that all we can do is 'lay it out' for our children - if you do this, the consequence is this, and so on, and then pray that they have listened to you. Sometimes i ask them about what they are doing, just so i can hear myself ask, so i know i have given them the opportunity to discuss something if they want. i always make it very clear that i will listen to them and not judge them, and as i said before, everything i say and do is based on love and protection. As you and i know, the truth of this notion only really becomes apparent when we are on 'the other side' - parents oursleves. My eldest daughter, who was a teenager from hell, is nearly 30 with an 8 year old daughter of her own, who is going to be as bad as she was, and she now realises why we said and did what we said and did, but obviously, that's epxerience, adulthoo,d and parenthood. You will be OK because you care, and you want to be there for your daughter, and she will appreciate that - just not every day. Tell her you love her every day, none of us can ever hear too much of that.

[xxlizziexx]

your most welcome jolie3890 : ), anytime, im here to help and im really glad that it helped you and all of the advice helped you. hope it all sorts itself out, just put yourself in her shoes and try and see what you would do at that age, hope everything goes well xx