Please help! my daughter is a nightmare!!

[onlyme26]

basically my 9 year old daughter just refuses to do as she is told! im so fed up now i dont know what to do, i shout at her, then i always end up feeling guilty and shouting does nothing!!
i send her to her room she refuses to go, i litterally have to drag her there and then she just comesstraight backout!!

i need some tips and ideas on how to control her!

she isnt bad all the time, i mean i would say she is naughty 3 out of 7 days, she is lovely when she wants to be.,its just when i ask her to do somehting and she doesnt want to she really really kicks off about it!

i have tried the charts and giving her treats for good bahaviour but doest ever last she gets fed up and starts being naughty again :(:(

[jake-the-peg]

A very crude rule of thumb with ADHD is whether they have trouble concentrating on things they like doing

[rowanwitch]

just a thought but do the triggers for the outbursts or bad behaviour have anything in common....only the school skirt example ...made me wonder if the problem was related to school or schololwork rather than home and she was stalling either because she isn't coping or being bullied ... or maybe clothes/possessions related which might be linked to feeling she isn't keeping up with her friends..then again .maybe she's just being a brat...but there's often some underlying problem even if it isn't significant to an adult

[crisgal]

i've only just seen your question, onlyme26, and i was going to ask the very same one yesterday!

My nine year old is an angel at school and get star of the week often.
She is a bl00dy swine for me tho. Like yours, she's adorable when she's good - unselfish and very caring.

i think perhaps it is hormonal, because after its all calmed down, she can't really explain her behaviour.

I completely understand the guilt thing and i don't smack - but i can't half shout, but she's used to it. After she's gone to bed, i go in and there she is, all sweet and angellic, and i feel terrible.

I remind myself of the old nursery rhyme:
there was a little girl who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
when she was good she was very very good
and when she was bad she was horrid!

..and tell my self that that must have come from someone with the same problem, years ago! So she's not unique and we'll just have to get through it.

One thing that does seem to work, is videoing her on my mobile, and threatening to show it to her teachers! mwah ha ha ha! that does give me some power!

[crisgal]

I don't know if this will help but, another thing i do, when she's literally driving me mad and she's in her room, livid, and i'm in another - just as livid, I go in the garden, look at the house for a minute, take several deep breaths, and then close my eyes and picture the house empty and quiet. I imagine all the kids have left home and me and hubby are rattling around in our empty, quiet house. I know i'll be longing for them all to come back home. I know i'd even take the shouting and the anger for another day with her as a child again!
I also try and picture her grown up, with her own children, and us laughing about she used to be.
it's not easy to do but it certainly helps me calm down and know that it is just a phase we're both going through! ♥♥

[cazzz1975]

the problem is in the consistancy of the parenting, I bet when you have told her not to do something in the past she has had a tantrum or nagged you into giving in.

my advice is to remove her luxuries, she has to earn them by behaving, but the key thing is that YOU have to be consistant, not too tired/stressed/lazy/busy to uphold the rules.

sqad, your advice of giving them a good hiding does not work, otherwise my next door neighbours kids would behave as they are hit regularly, if anything they are worse behaved.

[Sqad]

cazz

<<sqad, your advice of giving them a good hiding does not work, otherwise my next door neighbours kids would behave as they are hit regularly, if anything they are worse behaved.<<<

maybe, but one family next door does not constitute a controlled trial......the alternative CERTAINLY doesnt work.

[cazzz1975]

the problem here is lazy parenting, just giving in and not setting house rules, very common.

hitting kids does not work either, also a lazy way of dealing with problems and normally carried out as the result of a parent losing their rag and venting their frustration through violence masked as punishment

[cazzz1975]

its obviously the way to go vibes, why stop at children, why not give old people a good hiding if they prove to be difficult?

[Sqad]

vibra...it is not a "comfort" exercise, it is one of teaching discipline to children.

Your post is the first post to use the phrase "beat up"

[Sqad]

cazz......oh! dear oh! dear OTT......the thread is not about "old people"

[crisgal]

it's very unfair to call it lazy parenting!
I can't speak for onlyme26, but that would offend me very much.

Being a parent for me is hard work and exhausting. I wish i had the option of laziness sometimes.

[cazzz1975]

its acceptable for you to physically thrash a person who is not behaving, that applies to all ages, if you feel happy to thrash a 3 year old, then you should feel happy to thrash a 70 year old who is being difficult..

[cazzz1975]

im sorry you are offended but some parents say yes too easily for a quiet life, not all but some.

[Sqad]

cazz......read your post again and try and work out your logic.............I can´t.

[RATTER15]

I never had that problem with my children, probably because they had respect for me and their Mother, you don't get respect from shouting and hitting children, that just makes them obey out of fear, if at all.

I could never hit my children, I feel that if you have to hit your children to make them obey you, you have failed as decent parents!

My parents never hit me and I always had the greatest respect for them, and now my Daughter feels the same way, she says she would never hit her Son, I hope that really is this case, so that she can also enjoy the respect from her children.

[crisgal]

You said the problem 'here' so it sounds like you're calling onlyme26 a lazy parent. Aren't you?