Please help! my daughter is a nightmare!!

[onlyme26]

basically my 9 year old daughter just refuses to do as she is told! im so fed up now i dont know what to do, i shout at her, then i always end up feeling guilty and shouting does nothing!!
i send her to her room she refuses to go, i litterally have to drag her there and then she just comesstraight backout!!

i need some tips and ideas on how to control her!

she isnt bad all the time, i mean i would say she is naughty 3 out of 7 days, she is lovely when she wants to be.,its just when i ask her to do somehting and she doesnt want to she really really kicks off about it!

i have tried the charts and giving her treats for good bahaviour but doest ever last she gets fed up and starts being naughty again :(:(

[cazzz1975]

yes cris, her daughters behaviour is as a direct result of her parenting unless she has a special need.

[Sqad]

vibra.......it didn´t take you long to personalize it. How does it pain me to see it in black and white? I usually write most of it myself.

Now get back to helping onlyme instead of slagging off my parenting.

[zzxxee]

could be that she is starting puberty early god my two 13 and 19 have had their fair share of outbursts in the past i can tell you !!!!
i would get your mobile and film her having a strop and play it back to her so she can see how babyish shes acting !!!!
tell her if the unapropriate behaviour continues then she will be punished and Follow it through
by the way where is dad in all this?? if hes around you nd to act as a team
if not then maybe an uncle can help out family friend ect???

[Sqad]

vibra.....naaah! pool is heated.

[LoftyLottie]

This is still going on then ;o. I have been out shopping, round the market and had my hair done

I agree with Ratter wholeheartedly. And hitting a child is worse, in my opinion, than hitting a grownup. They are smaller and less able to fend for themselves. It doesn't work and if a child behaves just because you threaten violence that does not mean a child respects you. And some of the worse behaved children I have seen are those that are continually being smacked and shouted at.

I would rather see a child that is well behaved at school and has naughty times at home than the other way round.

Off to have some lunch.

[Sqad]

Rafter/ lofty.

Congratulations on having well behaved children, but that has little to do with the question posed by onlyme:

How do you treat children who are badly behaved? That is a completely different problem from treating children who are well behaved.

[zzxxee]

thats what i said earlier vibra teamwork if he is around is the key !!!!

[annie0000]

Haven't read through the whole debate here, but have you tried videoing her when she is kicking off and showing it back to her to show her how stupid her behaviour is?

My younger son has always been tempremental - banging his head on the pavement as a toddler if we were going in a different direction than he wanted etc. We did the whole naughty step thing etc. When he got to about 7 we videoed a tantrum and he was completely taken aback and whilst he is still fiery, he is well behaved (most of the time!)

[anneasquith]

hi onlyme,are you a lone parent, do you have other children. is there another parent in her life, do your friends and family witness this behaviour. have you asked for assistance with this issue with anyone else, has this behaviour developed recently, has there been any changes in your circumstances recently.................... sorry a long list ?

[RATTER15]

I think to answer onlyme26's question would be extremely difficult without being there and seeing all the circumstances involved.

The first thing that is needed is calm and respect from, and for all parties, if you don't have respect you don't have anything to work on.

My same theory also applies to my dogs, its called mutual respect all round, I have well behaved dogs that never get hit as well.

[LoftyLottie]

My son was no angel Sqad, he had his moments. It was usually because he didn't want to do something I wanted him to do or refused to let him do something that I considered he shouldn't do. There were obviously occasions when I lost my rag, but it quickly dawned that it didn't work. Threatening him made no difference, he's as stubborn as I am. What worked best was walking away from the situation and telling him to keep out of my way until he could talk to me reasonably.

Come to think of it he was an easy child to deal with really and then turned into a 14 year old (but quite honestly he never caused us any problems compared to a lot of things that I read about on AB!)

[LoftyLottie]

Ratter, I agree with you about the dog thing too! We have always had well behaved dogs, even the ones with dubious past histories have settled and been good.

[Sqad]

Ratter....I am so sorry to go on, but this isn´t the point of the questioner.......how would you deal with the above case of ill discipline?

Lofty...if you didn´t use corporal punishment, how do you know that it wouldn´t have worked?

[NOX]

your daughter is feeding off the negative attention when you yell, rant or otherwise react to her bad behaviour. Personally, and I have had my fair share of dealing with kids who have issues, the way I always handled it is to create a calm atmosphere- kids copy you and they catch on fast to what pushes your buttons. Give them a lot to do, responsibility, but the kind they will enjoy- don't ask em to clean the house from top to bottom, that's not what I'm talking about, ask their opinions as though you value them- most bad behaviour is about attention seeking and low self worth-and ALWAYS speak to them with the respect you would afford an adult. You can't hit kids and expect them to improve it only makes matters worse.

[McMouse]

I wasn't smacked much as a child though my mother had a zero tolerance attitude to bad behaviour. As a six year old I was "gated" for an entire summer holiday after some indiscretion and I soon learnt where the line was.
My son was very naughty and got a good smacking for his trouble but he was never disrespectful to me or his mother. He grew into a very pleasant and mild tempered man and now has twin daughters with whom he and his wife reason but never smack. These two lovable little girls are totally out of control and go into screaming temper tantrums at the drop of a hat. I'm glad they live overseas and we only communicate via skype as I could not cope with their manners if I was in the same room.
So across the generations three totally different parents and children. Bottom line for me is that I would not accept the behaviour of only's 9 year old daughter. I wouldn't 'ask' the child to do anything, I would 'tell' her. Refusal would result in a slap and a locking up in her room without access to tv, laptop, mobile. Be firm and consistent and leave her in no doubt that you are the boss. Otherwise put her into care.

[LoftyLottie]

It might have worked Sqad. My Mum used it on me and I can assure you It didn't make me respect her. I might have behaved, but it would have been because she had control and would hit me if I didn't. She wasn't a cruel Mum at all, just that smacking was thought to be OK. I don't think it is.

Do you t hink it's OK Sqad for children to hit other kids or to hit their parents. Why is it OK for a parent to punish a child by hitting them.

I quick slap on the hand to save them from a potentially dangerous situation isn't what I'm talking about.

Mr LL would be even less likely to hit a child than I am, He only has to look at you and you behave!!

[LoftyLottie]

Why would the slap be necessary McMouse. I can see the logic behind your others ideas, but not the slap.