Mum dying - advice needed urgently.

[Traci66]

I have not seen or spoken to my mum in 17 years and I have just had a phone call from one of my sisters saying she is dying and desperately wants to make her peace with me before she dies. I have no inclination to see her what so ever, she has had seventeen years to make her peace and hasn't bothered, so my question is:
1) Do I go and see her and let her make her peace.
2) Go and see her and tell her exactly what I think.
3) Just keep away.
The thing is I can never forgive her for what she did.

[Davethedog]

Is it likely that you will hear what you want to? If not don't go however remember that when she has gone, thats it, you can't mend anything so make sure you wont it.

2 is a no no - Whatever has led to your split, it would upset other menbers of your familyI take it you get on with your Sister?

So as long as you won't regret it later 3

[Traci66]

I don't really see my sisters since my dad died, I am still close to my brothers though and as they fell out with her as well, they have supported me all these years, I feel they deserve my loyalty more.

Okay here goes, she knew her husband (not my Dad) was sexually abusing my daughter, she even covered up for him. When I found out she told me that she had told him it had to stop. That is what I can never forgive and yes, she is still with him.

[EvianBaby]

Especially given what you have just said, no I would absolutely not see her.

[mccfluff]

that's a no from me

[craft1948]

Definite no from me................

[DTCwordfan]

well not nice at all...I feel for you.

She wasn't abusing your daughter directly though and she is probably wanting to make her peace as she realises she was complicit in covering for him - though you said she had told him it had to stop. Did it?

I won't go in why you and your bros did not go to the Police.

Just make sure that he isn't around though......that is reasonable on your part.

[Traci66]

Thanks Evian, I really do not want to see her, just getting so much hassle from sisters even though they know what happened, they fell out with her for a couple of years but made it up with her. And yes, step dad did time for it.

[mccfluff]

she was abusing her by not protecting her DT

tell y our sisters you are not going and that you are not discussing it anymore

[shoota]

Would you like your daughter to come to you if the situation was reversed?

[EvianBaby]

You and your sisters are not the same person and they should respect your wishes, whether they agree or not.

It's really up to you, don't be pressured by anyone else from either side. Do what is best for you only.

[craft1948]

How could anyone continue living with a man who had abused their own grandchild?

[albaqwerty]

I'm with Evian, Fluff and Craft on this. Your sisters can go and lump it. It's your life and that of your daughter who matter.

[ojread2]

It would be better to regret seeing her than regret not

I would struggle with this one as well
Wishing you all the best Traci x

[Meg888]

And there was me thinking I'd forgive anything.... You have had enough stress and heartache over this, don't give yourself any more - if you don't want to go, tell your sisters to shut it off. No-one, who knows why would ever judge you.

I only hope you and your daughter manage/d to move on from this xx

[tinkerbell23]

I feel for you traci...id say im a forgivinh person but in your situation i really dont know what id do.

Mabye see what she has to say!!? Dunno why im saying that- i just wonder if she would try to justify her actions (which are 1000% unjustifiable) mabye you could let her have her say...and then leave.

God i dont know traci. Best wishes to you- really i mean that xx

[Jan1957]

I too have to make that decision as my mother, who I have not spoken to for 8 years, has Alzheimers and has been diagnosed with breast cancer which they have decided not to treat because her Alzheimers is so bad. I think if she asked to see me I would go but that's not really likely as she doesn't really know who anyone is any more. To be honest with the reason you give I would not go. I don't think there is anything she could possibly say that would excuse what she did.

[tinkerbell23]

Ps do not let your sisters pressure you. Ask them what it is she even wanys to see you for- she is sadly mistaken if she thinks you will be forgiving x

[DTCwordfan]

mccfluff - I had put the rider "directly" in what I said; it was indeed indirect abuse.

I think shoota's comment is a little off as Traci would likely never get into a repeat play of what she has experienced.

Ultimately, it has to be your decision, Traci - all I would say if you go, definitely without the new hub around and inform your sisters that you will not go to the funeral if he is to be there. If you do see her, perhaps you and your bros could arrange a little farewell prayer graveside with the vicar soon after by yourselves, having explained the reason why to him (her)........

[Old_Geezer]

Even knowing the circumstances I stick by my earlier post. Ultimately it is up to you to decide though. But I reiterate my advice to avoid option (2).

[rowanwitch]

If your child finds out you've gone how would it affect them? if they think you have forgiven their grandmother would it make them feel you valued their thoughts, hurt and feelings any less if so then don't go... the future is more precious than the past