Mum dying - advice needed urgently.

[Traci66]

I have not seen or spoken to my mum in 17 years and I have just had a phone call from one of my sisters saying she is dying and desperately wants to make her peace with me before she dies. I have no inclination to see her what so ever, she has had seventeen years to make her peace and hasn't bothered, so my question is:
1) Do I go and see her and let her make her peace.
2) Go and see her and tell her exactly what I think.
3) Just keep away.
The thing is I can never forgive her for what she did.

[BRIGHT SPARK]

If you go and see her you may have mixed feelings for a while.....if you dont go you will have mixed feelings forever.

[katherine100]

The problem is, however you feel now, when it is too late you may have different feelings and be unable to speak to her again... ever. Harsh but I know someone going through a similar thing.You could do a combination of 1 and 2, only what I would say as far as 2 is concerned, bear in mind that she is dying and what will perhaps be on your conscience. I don't know what she did but you have the rest of your life to regret how you deal with this so think carefully and take care x

[EvianBaby]

Katherine, Traci states what her Mother did on page 2.

[MrsLeeG]

id write an email or letter to her (or your sister to read out to her) and tell her you can not forgive what she has done and you have moved on with your life and out of respect for yourself and you daughter you will not be coming to see her. Also that you hope she finds peace where she is going. Then you can draw a line under it all from your side.

[ladybirder]

Have you discussed it with your daughter? If so, what does she think? I would place great importance on her response to the situation.
And as jno said, would you want to hear it if she expressed great regret and sorrow for what she did?
Me, the fact that she stayed with the abuser for all these years would be enough for me to stay away. Has she covered up for more of his abuse over the years I wonder?
You have my greatest sympathy, oh and BTW, you shouldn't have to explain to your siblings why you aren't going, they should jolly well know.

[cupid04]

please go and see her. I know it will be difficult as you've held onto your pain
for so long. She's a dying woman and no longer has the power to hurt you.
Please go for your sake, then you can say to yourself at least I made the
effort. You will torture yourself for evermore wondering what if, if you dont
go. I shall keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Cupid04.xx

[rowanwitch]

As I said earlier and as ladybirder has said your daughter is the most important one here how old is she now?

[Traci66]

My daughter is now twenty six, she certainly does not want to see her but has said she understands if I do.

[Canary42]

Basically, is she Wicked or Weak. You need to decide based on your experience of her. If the former then perhaps 3) is the best.
But if the latter, then haven't you made her suffer enough - after all the real villain served his term and is free again, but for 17 years she has had this hanging over her. And she may have been too frightened to contact you to make her peace in this time - she sounds a very weak and timid person, a "doormat" to her husband - (did you perhaps do or say anything to engender such fear when you abandoned her). And what are your daughter's views ?
And what do you gain by continuing the boycott - just a few more days of punishment for her. Then again, perhaps you inherited your lack of human compassion from her.

[katherine100]

I don't know what your mum did but you have to think... you have the rest of your life to regret how you deal with this situation. I would say you should give serious consideration to seeing her, maybe tell her how you feel but at this stage, none of that really matters. You should do what you can live with, and hope that you don't regret it later. Take care x

[divegirl]

Wow...
Sounds like I'm in the same boat as Daffy, my mother and I have discussed her funeral arrangements.... she just refuses to keep her side of the of the agreement. I live in hope.
I don't think there are many if any at all that can truly empathise with Traci's situation but I would have to say no as well.Why? That is not a mother, that woman is the same as the female that gave birth to me...just out for herself. I would not give her the pleasure of trying to absolve her sins.

Lisa x

[cupid04]

Forgive me for my previous thread, I wasn't aware of the full facts why you
haven't stayed in contact. I cant imagine how you must feel. In the end
though the decision is yours. I hope very soon that you can have peace of
mind and move on with your life. cupid04.xx

[albaqwerty]

Canary I think your last sentence says more about you than it does Traci.

Traci had a yound child to protect. Her mother knew about it and did nothing.
Weakness is an excuse.

[grasscarp]

I just wanted to add Traci, that if you were sure that you do not want to go you would not have come on here to ask what we all think. You must have thought that maybe you have it in your heart to give her more sympathy and understanding than you had from her. You are the stronger and wiser person and you have your life ahead. Your mother is looking back with regret or would now be desperately wanting to make her peace with you. Dont miss this opportunity to do something that is a now or never decision.

[divegirl]

The end of my post made me sound like I am a religious person and I'm not...but to me it seems that the 'mother' just wants a chance to weep and wail and say sorry..... would be far to late for me I'm afraid.

Lisa x

[ladybirder]

Katherine why are you giving advice when you haven't even read what the mother did? See page 2.

[rowanwitch]

As your daughter is an adult I'd probably think it might be better if you went to let her say what she needs to say but I wouldn't be surprised if it changes nothing....

[daffy654]

If I went to see my mum at the end it would be just to tell her that I have never forgiven her for all the evil things she has done to me and others (and never will) and I hope if there is a hell she spends eternity there. I'm not a religious person but my mother is.
I hate it when people go on and on about how you should respect your mother because she brought you into the world. If you had the misfortune to have mothers like some of us here obviously have you may change your advice.