Mum dying - advice needed urgently.

[Traci66]

I have not seen or spoken to my mum in 17 years and I have just had a phone call from one of my sisters saying she is dying and desperately wants to make her peace with me before she dies. I have no inclination to see her what so ever, she has had seventeen years to make her peace and hasn't bothered, so my question is:
1) Do I go and see her and let her make her peace.
2) Go and see her and tell her exactly what I think.
3) Just keep away.
The thing is I can never forgive her for what she did.

[ummmm]

That'll be a no from me as well. Something's are unforgivable and some people don't deserve to be forgiven. That, both of them, would be at the top of my list.

[puprlebreeze]

Go see her for an explanation, it's your last chance to forgive and forget or fell happy you made the right decision in the first place, but please see her, you may regret it after.

[mccfluff]

oops didn't read what you put properly - child abuse makes the red mist descend

[EvianBaby]

Thinking on this a little more, I think there is a chance that pain and emotions you have previously dealt with could resurface by seeing her. She may (unintentionally) say something that will cause you more upset.

Maybe, and a big maybe, instead you could write her a short letter.

[woofgang]

I am so sorry. My answer stands but if it was me I probably couldn't control my anger enough to go and face her.

[shoota]

I accept DT's point - I wasn't thinking about an exact reversal of the situation but I nursed my mother through the final months of her life and through some pretty severe nastiness but I would not have missed that time with her for anything and I would have done anything to ease her passing - whatever pain it caused me.

[rowanwitch]

There was a time I'd have said I'd have gone just to make sure she was dead...(I used to say I'd switch off her life support machine if she was on one)

Things are better now but not brilliant

No easy answers I think you will be sory if you go and regret it if you don't

[daffy654]

I wouldn't go. She just wants to have you forgive her, why should you if she has treated you badly.

[jno]

I'm not a fan of feuding until death, but personally I do not believe I could forgive anyone in this situation. It sounds as if your own instincts are to stay away, so that's probably what you should do. I think your children should come before your parents when there's any conflict at all.

One thing... suppose your mother was consumed with shame and regret and wanted to tell you so before she died. Would you want to hear her say it?

[NOX]

I understand fully your reluctance and what she did will not be justifiable in any circumstances, however occasionally good people make appalling judgements, often because an abuser also trades on their insecurities and weaknesses and finds a way of twisting and controlling them. Often these are the very weakest and most vulnerable people who cave into that sort of pressure. I don't know your mother, I know she made an abysmal choice in covering for her partner but that is not to whole of who she has been to you. What sort of mother was she previously, and are you absolutely 100% certian that she definatly knew at the time and not simply peiced it together afterwards? I would see her if at all possible if only to get closure for yourself, clarity about things which may still be troubling you and so that you can rebuild your life with a clear conscience that you did everything possible to make a truly appalling situaiton as right as it could be.

[chaptazbru]

No, no, no. Child abuse is vile. She should have protected her precious grandchild, not him AND she's still with him?? I could never forgive something like this Traci. I feel for you xx

[Davethedog]

Oh Traci no don't go. I don't see how there can be any forgiveness.

Dying or not £^(& her

[carolhg]

I had this exact issue 18 months ago. I flew over to England to see my mother and am glad I did. I too was torn on what to do and in the end just thought that although unlucky to have the mother I had, she was my mother. I cried bitterly when she died, not so much because of the death but because she chose to miss out on her grandchildren and having a daughter that is a lot better person and mother than she ever was. Just go and smile despite what you feel inside. At least this way you will never feel any guilt and your mother can die in peace. Good luck, I had to really steel myself.

[bednobs]

i know it's not a poll, but i would urge you to go and see her. Would you have to see the stepdad too?

[daffy654]

The mother has forfeited any right to 'die in peace' carolhg.

[grasscarp]

I would go and see her because this is her last chance to speak to you. You feel cold and unforgiving for what happened and this could stay as to how you feel now the rest of your life. Cannot see that to see her will make things worse. She gave you gift of life and you can now give her a gift of dying satisfied that she has made her peace with her family. As others have said on here if you dont see her you may regret it and it will then be too late to change your mind.

[daffy654]

When my mum eventually has the decency to drop dead I will definitely not be going to see her whatever she wants to say to me. I won't be attending her funeral either. I would just like one of my siblings to confirm to me afterwards that she is actually dead.