I am getting heavily criticised for the way I run my magazine publishing company. I don’t know why. I have been in charge for five years now, and there haven’t been any issues in all that time....
It was my birthday last night and all drinks were on the house. I stayed sober because I’m scared of heights. A friend of mine is a Community Support Officer and he desperately wants to be a real...
My wife sent me shopping earlier, and told me to pick up the bear essentials. I didn’t even know that we had one, but I did as she asked, and picked up a large jar of honey. This is the fifth time...
I told a local DJ that I had a large amount of rare vinyl. “Is there any chance that I could come round and have a look?” he asked. He didn’t look too impressed when I showed him my collection...
My Nan asked me to take her shopping today. I was always brought up to respect your elders, so I grabbed her trolley and legged it. I have just come home and found my mum slumped on the couch with...
I was visiting a friend today and got a bit lost on the way. I stopped at a garage to ask for directions and before I knew it I had a complete service on the car, four new tyres and a full tank of...
A woman kept bugging me in town to buy some singing lessons. I have to admit, she had an impressive pitch. I ate a pixelated brownie yesterday. Only took me one byte. I am going to be running a...
I went to a seminar about building temporary roads. I made my own way home I have just bought an Igloo from IKEA. 200 litres of water (freezer not included). After falling overboard on a cruise ship,...
Ever since I misplaced my dictionary, I have been at a loss for words. Today I heard on the news that there was a spillage of syrup on the motorway. It makes a change from the usual jams. My partner...
I joined three golf clubs today. Now I can practice my putting in the garden from the upstairs bedroom window. I was milking some cows today. I got most of their money before they noticed the cards...
When I was younger one of my teeth fell out while my Auntie Anne was babysitting for me. She noticed I had placed my tooth under my pillow along with a spliff. She said, “I don’t think the tooth...
I sold my car in the local newspaper today. The man that bought it spent three hours unwrapping it. As a therapist, I have found that the most difficult patients are magicians. They never reveal their...
I was waiting at the bus stop the other day.
But I gave up in the end.
Every time I approached someone to ask if they would like to see a menu they just looked at me like I was stupid....
A man’s wife came home one night with some news. She said, “Well firstly, I’ve managed to get a part in the Egyptian play I’ve auditioned for.” “Well done!” He said. “You must be so...
I am starring in a new theatrical drama called ‘Sword’. It’s a play on words. Twinings have recently developed a new erotic breakfast tea, Fifty Shades Of Earl Grey. I have just sold a tin of...
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on how to be rude to customers.
The librarian says, “Kindly eff off, Sir, I’m only halfway through the first chapter myself.”...