Cheating Spouse

[GlitteryWings]

Has anyone managed to move on from a cheating spouse?

Ive recently been breaved within the past month (very close) and then found out my partner has had sex once with someonelse.......... in our home.

Im grieving BOTH situations, not sure if I am numb , id like to try to move on, currently feel as if I can.... this may change when I am thinking straight.

[GlitteryWings]

Thank you all very much for the advice & replies.

The other woman contacted me, she was unaware of me he gave her a false surname.

Yes to clarify we lost someone very close and when things couldnt get any worse or so I thought this came.

The person found out his real surname, done a bit of digging and voila!

I have copies of the messages between them which are hurtfull ... theres even a nice photo of my family pet she has and a lovely “selfie” of the night they kissed.

In total a kiss, three weeks of texting occasionally and then when i was away for a night... the sex.

Apparently it wasnt much of a nice time and without TMI it didnt really happen/last long, a bit of me felt better about that stupidly HOWEVER I am more than aware of the intention that was there.

Had this relative not died mabye this would have carried on.

Very hard to think straight. Dont want to loose my life as it is but climbing into my own bed gives me shivers

Drinking drinks on MY couch with MY husband MY dog out of MY glasses..... sex & cuddles in MY bed using MY toilet & staying over. Picked up & dropped off in MY car.

I feel so violated. Have chosen to tell two close friends only to save myself any more pity/judgement when I make my decision.

[spathiphyllum]

1. Get a new bed. Force the OH to pay for it / get the one YOU want.

2. Tell a few more friends.. It doesn't look bad on you, it looks bad on him.

3. Make sure he knows how much it hurt you, but do not stoop to his level.

If he can't understand your feelings, then pitty him and leave him. If he does, then let him try to make amends. If he fails, squash him.

[maggiebee]

Please make the right decision for YOU. Not what anyone else thinks or feels.

[GlitteryWings]

To answer Sqad..

I am in my late 30s
No children but trying.

Sounds terrible to say but I am told I am attractive & I am well presented. I never had any problems.

I have a beautiful home & garden. A sucessfull career & business.

I am a nice person & wouldnt have a crusade on men forever.

I cant bear to see the hurt on other relatives faces if they found out, and would rather be spared judgement if i decide to stay.

Im desperate for affection from my husband as I am grieving a loss, however I also want to kill him for what he has done.

This years plans were a baby. Finally.

Why did it happen? We dont have the most wild sex life.

Before i met, married, beautiful wedding, I had a good sex life.

Husband sometimes needs to be a bit gentler, nicer sometimes moody & this turns me OFF. The barriers come up and i just cannot go to bed with someone REGARDLESS if we are married if he hasnt been nice & “warmed me up”. The result is a viscious circle when nobody gives in!!

Since the breavement I have wanted to be closer than ever actually and had sex more than usual for the togetherness...... untill this!

[spathiphyllum]

if / WHEN he does manage to warm you up... How are things? Bit awkward?


I'd think twice about the baby thing. Maybe mention how his actions have made you doubt his potential to be a good father?

Might make him think...

[spathiphyllum]

I agree with maggie.. but don't feel alone.

[GlitteryWings]

Considered a lawyer?

Is that silly!?

These are the rules, break em then I get the lot!?

Then I think god sake some people enjoy their OHs havinh sex with others!

The strange things that go through your head are unreal.

If you had asked me before or if you were asking ME for advice I would say the usual “kick him out” “you deserve better” “no trust never be able to go near him again”

Much different when it actually happens. I cant believe it!

[GlitteryWings]

Body clock is ticking. Yet another kick in the teeth.

I think we got into a rut? He isnt the most patient lover- if i dont like something for instance he might think im just trying to put him off or get out of having sex.

I did make excuses sometimes because things werent always fantastic.

Its not the same kind of sex you have when single and wild!

I lost confidence along the way I think. X

[Sqad]

LOL...you are describing a normal marriage after the initial flush of romance....that is from the man's point of view.
He had sex with the other woman, because he was bored with sex with you and wanted a new experience.....it happens...it is not uncommon and certainly not a reason to break up what was hitherto a good marriage (whatever that is)

Although you think that you will never get over this, don't break up without being absolutely certain that there is no future for you both, although they may not be.
You marriage can be resurrected........give it a go.

[spathiphyllum]

It is much different in the situation.. Only you can really understand and know fully what to do. It must be gut wrenching :(

I wouldn't consider a lawyer, unless he has hurt and pushed you away so much you feel you need a lawyer for support.


Maybe even get him to read this thread? He'd then know from an outsiders perspective how he's made you feel

I think he cheated because of lack of communication / getting bored in a routine or norms.

He is obviously an insecure man if he feels he needs to sleep around and prove something to himself.

Have you ask'd him if he'd rather be with his mistress?

Also jokes about 'a mistress' will make him very guilty maybe even will show some serous remorse.

if you ever leave for the weekend or day, say something along the lines of 'now i better not catch you with your little mistress again else that will be it'

Thats a bit of reality for him

[GlitteryWings]

Thanks Maggie!

I will.... but the questions run through!

When do you stop freezing him out? Talk instead of one word answers.

I only found out a few days ago!

My loved ones ashes arent even collected yet- double whammy.

When would you act ok again and actually GIVE the chance rather than say NO to cups of tea NO to hugs NO to same bed
NO to a walk NO to a film.

Feel like if I be OK too early he gets away with it yet I am so broken I dont have the fire in my belly to “teach him a lesson” if you know what i mean?

[spathiphyllum]

"When would you act ok again "

Oh at least two weeks. Then it may be ups and downs like a roller coaster untill it levels out.

This mixed with you grieving will be hard and the emotions may get mixed up together.

You need to make him understand this with some form of communication.

[ladybirder]

Spath have you ever thought of becoming a Marriage Counsellor?
If you have, don't.

[GlitteryWings]

Thank you.

I do want to try! I think the family death has numbed the feelings for this- may hit me in future!

Hes a great looking guy (well in my opinion)- he
rates himself even though he says he dosent, great body etc & yes likely insecure & Enjoyed the attention then claims he struggled to then “let her down”.

The texts to her were gushing! Infact if he would have sent them to
ME he would have had plenty of sex!

It annoys me to think im boring to be with now!
If you phoned the ex’s they would tell you only GREAT things!!!!! Lol x

[hc4361]

Sqad, you don't know why this man had sex with another woman - there are many possible reasons.

[GlitteryWings]

Spath a wax sounds tame compared to what id like to do!!!

I had to know every single gory detail. Not sure why but i wanted to know the LOT.

[Sqad]

Glitterywings No! no!........YOU are not boring, but your sex may be.

[GlitteryWings]

Hc..... he enjoyed the attention he claims.

Not sure I buy that. He honestly wasnt starved of attention. Fancies himself a bit.

Shes nothing like me!

[spathiphyllum]

glittery can you give us an example of these gushing texts? I may have to try pass them on to my Ms ;)