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Jokes

Looking for a laugh? There are plenty of funny jokes being told on The AnswerBank, so sit back, relax and have a read.

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Rondy
Paddy staggered home very late and very drunk. He took off his shoes to avoid waking the wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the... ...
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Rondy
My neighbour does nothing but talk about growing tomatoes.
Think he’s suffering from the greenhouse effects.
___

I don't think dad would like yeast extract but ma might.

___

I called the Tax Office and... ...
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Rondy
Someone glued my pack of cards together...
I'm finding it hard to deal with. ___ IF you close your eyes and rub a kiwi fruit in one hand and rub one of your testicles with the other, it's difficult... ...
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Chipchopper
I was chatting to my neighbour over the fence yesterday and I asked him what date it was, he checked his watch and said "March 1st" So I strode round the garden and asked him again.
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Rondy
I think I might apply for the new series of Embarrassing Bodies...
One of my testicles is bigger than the other two! ___ Most of my relatives are Police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank... ...
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Chipchopper
A man walks into a bar and shouts, "give me a whiskey and make it a double"! The barman looks at the guy and says "I think you've had enough don't you, so why don't you just turn yourself around... ...
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Rondy
Boss (to the new employee): "We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?"
New employee: "Yes, sir."
Boss: Get out, We are also keen on truthfulness. There is... ...
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maggiebee
One day, a young girl is walking through a park when she hears a faint, “Help me, help me.” She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush she spies a... ...
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Rondy
I just bought one of those low energy light bulbs from B&Q. The till assistant said "Will you be putting this up yourself?"
I said "No, I'm putting it up in the lounge." ___ Breaking news about the... ...
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Patsy33
My friend's wife asked him what he was doing on the computer last night, he explained he was looking at cheap flights. I love you she said, she got excited and quickly undressed and they had the... ...
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maggiebee
A man suffered a serious heart attack while on holiday in America The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he... ...
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Rondy
Chaos occurred in an ATM queue this morning, when a Scotsman's kilt
fell down..... he'd forgotten his pin. ___ I took a degree in Salad studies. All I really wanted was some lettuce after my... ...
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Rondy
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep last night.
I got to 500 then lost interest so went home from work and got into bed. ___ Some people thought my plan to design a building with a two-kilometer... ...
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maggiebee
Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's still in A & E waiting to be seen.
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maggiebee
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a... ...
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DTCwordfan
If the Plymouth bomb had gone off this afternoon, economists have calculated that it would have caused £10.5 million of improvements in the city.
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Rondy
A couple who drove their car to ALDI, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a... ...
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Rondy
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.
His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.... ...
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Rondy
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Eric, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely... ...
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maggiebee
For years Dr. Benson had left his office and gone to Teddy's Bar, where Teddy would fix him a daiquiri laced with crushed pecans. One day, however, Teddy ran out of pecans; instead he substituted... ...

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