I got a job at Asda today, on the fish counter. I knew I Haddock in me. I told my wife that I got a new job as a puppeteer “How on earth did you do that?” she asked “I had to pull a few...
I was out having a nice Italian meal last night with my long term girlfriend. All of a sudden, I got out of my chair,and slowly got down on one knee. “Oh my god” my girlfriend shrieked. “Let me...
I got called to see my boss on the first day of my new job. “I think you may have mislead us about your qualifications,” he said. “What do you mean,” I asked. “Well, you are the only...
I attended a health and safety course at work.
All we did was sit in front of a fan, sipping ice cold drinks.
Turns out, it was just a refresher course....
I was waiting in line for a club last night and the guy at the door was checking IDs. He was taking ages. The bank wants to repossess my tree-house. They say I haven’t kept up my mortgage payments...
Chris, has worn glasses since the age of three. When he was in the first grade he came home one day very distressed. Wanting to find out what was the matter his mother asked, "Chris, what happened...
A farmer and his wife had worked hard, and scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being...
Latest news: ‘Ford Transit with gold encrusted seats stolen,’ Police believe the robber had an interior motive. It is not easy finding someone to cover me at work. I am a lazy bed tester. Tip of...
I have been playing Guitar for two years, two weeks and 5 days. I should probably stop and have a rest. I can’t believe the price of bubble wrap now. It is five quid a pop. On my first day of...
My friend was very disappointed with his stag party.
He asked for a night full of fit birds.
Apparently the 2018 Doncaster pigeon race wasn’t what he had in mind....
I bought my partner a camel-skin jacket for his birthday as a surprise. He got the hump. My friend just boasted about buying miniture pack of cards for a tenner. It’s no big deal. I have just drawn...
After sharing a mixed grill at a racecourse with my partner. We thought we would go and place a few bets. When our stakes came up on the first race We decided, we won’t be eating there again....
I was sat in the pub last night when a seven foot purple frog, wearing a top hat walked into the bar.
I thought, “That’s unusual, frogs normally hop.”...
As I caught the train this morning, I thought, I wish my son would stop throwing his model railway out of the window. My partner is always ordering me around. In fact, I don’t think I have bought...
I have a foot fetish. Anything measuring exactly 12 inches really turns me on. I have not been having much luck with the men lately. This week I have already had two pick me out of the lineup. My...
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be...
After a weekend vacation, a sergeant got to the military base only to find out that none of his soldiers made it on time. It took three hours before they started showing up. By then he was about to...
