I sent an application and a photo to the local Lonely Hearts Club. They sent them back and said they aren't That lonely. ___ I've just seen an advert for 'Dog trainers' in the paper. I can't get mine...
In a small town, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible...
My wife was upset when she told me she had failed her driving test. I said, "Oh no, what did they pull you up on?" My wife replied, "A rope. The car's still in the canal!" ____ I've got a friend who...
In Pharmacies, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also...
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he...
A man staggers into an A&E with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like...
Woman to owner of Hunting Lodge after she had been studying the mounted heads of various animals on the walls.
"Is this one a sheep"
Landlord, "No madam, that's a mirror"...
Last Valentine's Day I surprised my wife by getting romantic... Best Scrabble score I've ever had! ____ I feel very sorry for the millions of people who won't receive a Valentine's Day card this...
These are actual notes that have been found on NHS hospital charts The patient refused autopsy. The patient has no previous history of suicides. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital....
The class was asked If anything funny had happened on their family holiday. Little Johnny said: "My Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again...
My grandson asked me "What's an alcoholic?"
I said " You see those two birds on the grass, an alcoholic would see four"
He said " Grandpa, there's only one "...
I let my pub quiz team down badly with my wild guess that the Fatal Attraction actress was Glenn Hoddle... Not even Close. ____ I only managed to watch 3/8ths of the latest Star Wars film...I've...
A teacher walking round the class noticed a pool of 'water' under a little girl's desk. What happened here she asked gently? The little girl said "Sorry miss I wet myself." "Well why didn't you put...
A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses He climbs in next...
Remember: Amateurs...built the ark. Professionals...built the Titanic. ___ My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2...
A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor. "Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on...
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet cubicle at the back...
When our dryer broke, my husband set to work. He found the problem quickly and, since he needed to replace the belt, decided to repair a cracked knob and a broken hinge too. Upon arrival at the...
