I saw my wife using her phone to record herself getting her hair styled. I think she's planning to watch the highlights later. ___ I just saw my wife trip over and drop a basket of clothes she just... ...
"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read." ___ My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She... ...
Remember back in the days when your TV wouldn't work, you would bang it a few times?I tried that with my dishwasher, but she ended up pregnant. ___ Paddy pulls up at the traffic lights next to a... ...
I asked my neighbour when his birthday is? He said March first. So I paraded around his yard then asked him again. ___ A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud... ...
I've combined my skills of bomb-making and taxidermy.. I'm going to make you an otter you can't defuse. ___ My mother always said to me make sure you have a clean pair of underwear on in case you are... ...
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little... ...
A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it. ___ There was a long line to get haircuts today. It was a barberqueue. ___ My wife bought me the Kama Sutra for Xmas. That's put me in an awkward... ...
Me: "Alexa, can you check my bank balance and let me know which Apple product I can afford?" Alexa: "Apple Juice!" ___ Tech support: “What does the screen say now?” Customer: “It says ‘Hit enter when... ...
An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either. ___ Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night. He was so bad, even a bloke in a wheelchair got up and... ...
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a big chicken and I met a gorgeous woman dressed as a giant egg. In answer to that age old question . . . It was the chicken.
How did Mary and Joseph get their groceries delivered? On a Lidl donkey. You don't realise how old you are until you sit on the floor to wrap Christmas presents and then try to get up. Just rang... ...
I was out on a date with a really hot woman, well, I say "date", we had dinner and watched a movie and then the plane landed. ___ Who sings 'Mistletoe and wine' whilst cleaning the kitchen? Cif... ...