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I've invented a thought-controlled air freshener. I realise it sounds daft at first but it makes scents if you think about it.
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating. She's starting to sound like my wife.
Q: Why did the chicken go to the gym ? A: To work on his pecks !
Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.
I got really angry with my car navigation today. I even yelled at it and told it to "go to hell."
Twenty minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house. ___ A farmer mate of mine... ...
Twenty minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house. ___ A farmer mate of mine... ...
1. “I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.” – Mark Simmons
I understand how cars work, but aeroplanes are way over my head.
I think my wife's having an affair with my neighbour. He's so miserable lately.
People always seem surprised when I tell them I got my highly intricate tattoos in Barcelona. No one expects the Spanish ink precision.
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Children are such cry babies.
Where does it say that when you do magic tricks, the rabbit you pull out of the hat has to be alive? ___ My grandad only ever had one goal in his life...... which wasn't... ...
Where does it say that when you do magic tricks, the rabbit you pull out of the hat has to be alive? ___ My grandad only ever had one goal in his life...... which wasn't... ...
I've just saw on the news that a man has discovered how to do origami backwards! More on this story as it unfolds.....
DOCTOR: "Did you sleep with the window open like I told you?"
ME: "Yes doc. Wide open."
DOCTOR: "And has your bronchitis gone?"
ME: "No, but my laptop and mobile phone have." ___ When I left school I... ...
ME: "Yes doc. Wide open."
DOCTOR: "And has your bronchitis gone?"
ME: "No, but my laptop and mobile phone have." ___ When I left school I... ...
I was driving down the road this morning when I suddenly disappeared into a portion of sour cream and chive.
I didn't see the dip in the road. ___ I've just got back from the doctors.
He said I've got... ...
I didn't see the dip in the road. ___ I've just got back from the doctors.
He said I've got... ...
...Turtles don't fly https:/
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.... ...
The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.... ...
Watching the Paris Olympic Games and I’m sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say: "How much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made". What do they want?.. A... ...
A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest: “Forgive me father for I have sinned”. “What have you done?” asked the priest. “A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there... ...
Sadly I had to quit my job at the cat shelter, they reduced meowers.
I was rather flattered when my wife said I should have a go at modelling.
Then she gave me an Airfix kit and a tube of glue. ___ I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, "Is it to scale?"
I... ...
Then she gave me an Airfix kit and a tube of glue. ___ I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, "Is it to scale?"
I... ...
